Day 353 - Part 1 - Happy Birthday Emi!

Yes. You're old now. ;)

Anyways, I love holidays. I screwed up with the wallpaper so I'm figuing out new ways to make a suit, I've been buying presents for my double birthday party this Friday (Maaike and Barbara's), the papaer dress is going somewhere, I've got some genius ideas but I need bottles and cans, I'm going surfing with this really nice girl on Saturday, I've got an outfit for the Halloween party, I did a bit of homework, I've been babysitting, and I have time left to read and watch Gossip Girl online (watch out, fair warning: new addiction).
I'm also very, VERY snotty. I've got a roll of toilet paper next to me at all times since a day, because I sneeze SO much it's useless to keep running up and down to the bathroom.
I think I'm finally figuring stuff out. I've been wearing a lot of skirts lately, another thing I found out I really love, I FINALLY know make-up (not that I do wear it now that I know how to, but at least I can go to a party without looking like a 9-year-old with a set of facepaint). I'm writing a lot, too, and people actually read it! :D
And I've decided to find a boyfriend by the end of the year. Which sounds totally stupid, but I do like someone and he know who I am (for a change), so I'm planning on going for it now. Cross my fingers, wish me luck.

Day 352 - Part 1 - Dear World

I haven't been updating lately, I know, and I can be making up excuses but the truth is, I don't really need to update anymore, like I felt I used to. That's a great thing for me, but I hear people telling me to go update a lot. Sorry guys ;)
Anyways, I've got holidays now. Wonderful, wonderful free time. I'm making an outfit out of wallpaper, which is awesome, but I've got a lot to do these days. I have to make tons of homework and work on clothing and such, and it feels like even though I have no school, my head is exploding with stress. And I was hoping to loose that feeling this week. :/
Luckily, there is time for fun. I've got two parties coming up, a double birthday and a halloween party, I'm finally going to surf again on Saturday and I'm playing tons of piano.

Day 357 - Part 1 - Oops.

SO I haven't written in quite a while, I know. I haven't really been online much at all. Ever since going to Scotland (which was GREAT, but I'll tell you later) I haven't really felt the need to go online.
Not that my social life got any better. I still don't really hang out with people and such, but I have been making progress in my work. I've been getting a lot of homework done, my clothing is actually getting somewhere (now that I have some great ideas) and even though my room is a mess, I'm feeling much more at home.
I've been reading and writing and going to art academy and a million other things and it's really great.
And today I don't have school because some people had exams (I got up early, went to school, then learned that I could've stayed home and in bed) but then I can REALLY start on my clothing. I love it. :3

As for Scotland: it was AMAZING.
We went there by boat, nightboat, so we've slept on it. I've nearly been blown off but it was really great. Then we went to some ruins, met our host families, and the next day we went walking in the highlands. It's so pretty! Of course people slipped and such, but in the end everyone had a great day. After that we had a day with loads and loads of free time. I went shopping, bought a skirt (or kilt, idk) and a bag for my sister and some more stuff. I had hot chocolate with mini marshmellows in them (MINIMARSHMELLOWS!) and we had dinner at this fancy Chinese restaurant. Then there was a ghostwalk, somewhere in a vault underground. I can't stand ghoststories. Not like that, al least. I can't stand those movies, book scare me enough, but this was, like, real-live. I just stood there and at some point I started shaking and crying, and luckily I could get out after like 5 mins, and a friend of mine tagged along and we just talked about other things to distract me, which I'm very grateful for. We had a museum day and a tour and Scottish dancing and a visit to some old church, and it was so amazing. I made some new friends as well. On the way back from the boat we had two birthdays, one in the Thursday and one on Friday, and we had this great party and we all brought food and drinks and we went outside, to the top deck, and there was music and people and it was so cool.

Day 341 - Part 1 - What I forgot to tell you.

I am happy. Really, truly happy. Even though I have my bad moments where I think I might lose myself, I'm really happy. I've been cycling around with a huge grin on my face for weeks now, and sometimes I look like I've lost my mind, but that's alright. I don't really know why I'm happy, though. Not that I'm complaining. ;) I guess things are just looking up, and I'm glad I'm feeling happy. I still think it's difficult to let people in, but it's getting easier. And now I have to go, I'm going off the Scotland for a week and my bags aren't fully packed yet. Seeyou guys in a week :D

Day 337 - Part 1 - Like whoa.

It's been ages since I've written last. I could say that's because I'm busy or because I don't want to or because my days are a boring routine of the same things anyways (which they are), but the truth is that I don't really need it anymore. Blogging is still a way to express me, and I think I will keep doing it, especially because I'm so close to a year, but I've learned to handle myself. I've come so far since I started blogging. I want to go all gooey "look at me being shrink and getting somewhere", but I'll save that for the actual year mark. Plus I'm not in a gooey mood. I'm actually crying. The thing is, I'm mouch more daring. I open up, I let people in, I trust. But I still don't dare to fall in love unless I'm sure the love will be returned. And I hate that. I'm still scared, so scared, of getting hurt, that even though my mind tells me I like someone, I tell myself it's a lie, that I don't, that I just pretend to. And I just know that I will not let myself fall unless I'm sure there will be someone to catch me. I've got serious problems, and I jus can't handle it anymore. I can't handle being afraid of liking someone, and I can't handle the way I automatically tell myself I don't like him, and not be able to stop it. I'm afraid that one day, I can't handle myself anymore, that my mind will take over my actions and not let me decide, if you get what I mean. I'm afraid that after all I've been through, after losing everything around me but staying myself, I will lose myself while everyone around me stays the same. And that is what gets to me most;

Day 328 - Part 1 - Please let me smile

Ugh, I hate it when my mood changes like this. Just two hours ago I was really happy, and now all I can do is cry.
Which sucks.
You know, I just realized, I can't remember the last time I woke up feeling beautiful. I've been so busy ith so many things that it's been so long since I've had the time to be happy with myself. It's too long ago.
And it's starting to break me down.

I kinda want to jump off a roof but not quite yet.

And I don't think I ever will.

Day 327 - Part 3 - Yay, tears!

Well I guess it's all becoming a little too much for me. The homework, the art academy, the collection if clothes, the grades I want to keep high, the mental stress and the figuring things out.
I think it is though. Because I'm crying.
The last time I cried must have been months ago, if I don't count the automatic tearattack I get when I talk about the bullying and stuff.
I'm just overloaded. Mentally as well as physically.

I'm sorry for people talking to me, I'm no kind of nice and cozy today.

Day 327 - Part 2 - Sidestepping

So, apart from me ranting over a million things, there are other - happier - parts. Or at least sort of happier.
http://www.wattpad.com/story/2054222-this-could-be-the-story-of-a-hero
^read that. I've been working on it for quite some time now, it's really fun to write. And it helps me find all these great new artists because I try to find a fitting song with each chapter so I go all over youtube and listen to stuff.

I think I might be falling in love. Maybe a little. I don't know, it's confusing and probably really messed up and hopeless, so I'm trying not to fall in love. I don't like getting hurt, which is why I don't really let people in. I hope that can change though. For now, I just need to figure out wether I'm in love or not.
Probably not though. I would know if I am, wouldn't I?

Day 327 - Part 1 - The living stress machine

A conversation between my mom and I just now:
Mom: "You going?"
Me: "Yep."
"Want another piece of chocolate?"
"Nope."
"Are you mad?"
"Yep."

She should be alarmed IN THE LEAST. I can tell you, there's something really wrong if I decline the offer of chocolate.
The thing is, I was washing the dishes and she was drying and all she did was nag and nag and nag that pan weren't clean and I was way to slow, and at some point I was like "Well all you do is nag!" and she was like "I'm only trying to help you, but I guess you don't want help". Which, in itself, isn't that bad, because my mom can be really childish at times, but she's forcing me to go visit some sort of great-aunt or something tomorrow and she knows I hate it because I have absolutely no connection with that woman at all and there's just too much homework for me to not stay home, so I already was mad at my mom. Add to that the lack of sleep I've had, the frustration about trains not driving and me being late everywhere, the stress at school and the lack of sugar and you get a very easily set off very, very angry Luzz.
Yay. -.-'

It's not like I enjoy being mad at people. I know why I'm mad and I know what's wrong, I just can't seem to change any of it. I just can't stop being mad and frustrated and annoyed and tired and sad and what else.
UGH, I'm like a living stress machine.

Day 322 - Part 1 - Writing.

Whoa. I just realized I haven't updated in ages.
As for my physical contition: things are better. I'm still stressed and pretty dead, but I'm holding up alright. Homework's getting easier to deal with, too.
My days are pretty much a constant blur of school, trying to get enough sleep, waking up early, school, homework, more school and a little writing.
Wattpad's amazing. (wattpad.com, I'm Luzzie) I've been updating my story on there, and it's really awesome to have people read it and comment and read other stories and chat and such. I love it.
I've been trying to sneak some fashion into the mix but it's not easy keeping it up. At least I have a director who'll arrange the meet-ups and stuff, and most of my models. I just need to get the dresses working out, that's all.
And I LOVE art academy, it's amazingamazingamazing. More about that later, my parents'd kill me if they knew I'm still up. ;)

Day 315 - Part 1 - Feeling like crap

School started out pretty okay, really. I mean, lots of homework and long days, but I was motivated. Now I'm a week in and I feel like I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown.
It's just too much. I have to be at school from 8 till 4, then homework till 6, mostly even later. I've had about 2 hours time for myself in the past week, and believe me, that's not a lot.
And I feel really ill. I mean, I probably should've stayed home today, but I can't really afford missing one day of school. I'm so tired, even though I sleep enough, I've got huge bags under my eyes and my eyes have that gazing stare in them I get when things are too much. I can't feel. When things become too much for me, I just shut down. Everything's gone. It's like when I've got too much to do, my mind turns off and I could be dead if not for the fact that my body still functions. It's pretty creepy, really.
Anyways, I guess writing really helps. I'm on Wattpad, which is some amazing site to share stories and read other people's stories, and it takes my mind of things. I think that's a good thing, right?

Day 310 - Part 1 - Lady cum laude

I'm turning into a woman. And I'm not just saying that because I'm a teenager or because my body changes, I notice it in the smallest things. For example, my sister had a friend over, and when she was being picked up, her brother walked around with some candy. My sister's friend demanded he'd share, and when I was younger I would just yell at that girl and tell her not to command her brother. Now I'm just like 'oh, she'll learn' and tell the boy to keep everything to himself, which, honestly, I think is pretty adult. Especially because I used to be the childish person alive.
My god that's all bragging, but what I really mean is that I grew more patient, and I just claim it's me growing up, because I love to be seen as more of an adult than a kid.
School is actually fun. I can't wait for the first test because I just want to show myself I can get high grades and still have fun. See, the thing is, I know I can get those grades. I am smart, and I know that, but I never do a thing. The last three years I barely passed and I kept getting insufficients.
Well meet the new me. I plan on getting no insufficients at all this year, preferably nothing under a 6 (on a scale of 1 to 10). I'm hoping next year I can pass my exams cum laude, that's like my ultimate goal. (I believe it's called Latin honors in English.) That basicly means all I'm allowed to get are 8's or higher. Of course I could try going for summa cum laude, which is only 9's or higher, but then I'd really have no social live left. It would be really awesome though.
And for the first time I know I can make it. Of course I've know I'm smart ever since I skipped a year in school, but I never really believed that it could be fun as well.
You know, getting high grades is like getting presents, only that happy feeling lasts longer.

Day 308 - Part 1 - Back to school.

School's started.
Ugh.
It's not like I don't look forward to it, I do, I really do, but on the other side, it's school. Homework, long days, being bored and tired, shoved away in the halls and late for class. Yep, great.
On the bright side, there's friends, having something to do, looking forward to weekends, art academy and, well, learning.
I'm not really a nerd in the "school-is-so-great" or the "lets-dress-like-a-fool" kind of way, but believe me, I'm a nerd in every other way.
Except I don't make homework and I'm always late.
What I mean is, I love learning. I love being able to look at some problem and thinking "hey, I can solve this, I've learned how that works!" I love being the smart kid, though I don't always show that.
I also had a summer-time spring clean-up. You can actually see the floor of my room, which is totally great.
And I have a piano in my room. A digital one, but still, I get to play whenever I want, even when people are sleeping. And write songs.
I finished my first one, I just have one or two chords I'm not sure of, but I have no idea how I can fix that. I'm working on my second song now, and it's GREAT. Really amazing to hear my words come to live. Two more songs are in the make, but they're still in my head, not written out.
Anyway, I've got a great year ahead of me. Just hoping I'll stay positive, that everything will be fine.

Day 304 - Part 1 - At least it's colourful.

So I got my schedule today, and it absolutely SUCKS. But that's okay, I coloured it nice enough to make me look forward to more than a week of school.
I'm ready. Not only in the sense of having my books (21, and that's just coursebooks, oh hell D:), also mentally. I'm finally ready to be me. Which hasn't been the case for as long as I remember.
Tomorrow is Anita's party, in the weekends I might get a job as video journalist for this festival, and school seems like a good idea to me now. I'm going to start art academy in just over a week, and I'm ready for everything.
Yep, things are looking great right now.  :D

Day 301 - Part 2 - Tearjerker

I've watched Degrassi with Anita all day yesterday and today I'm watching the rest of the season, and I know it's all extremly magnified but I'm crying anyways. I'm terrible at keeping it dry.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3y4V3AOzbyo

Day 301 - Part 1 - Campfires on a beach made of stones.

So it's burning hot outside and inside isn't much better. I'm dressed in the shortest clothes I could find and still I'm steaming away. I have cute curls though. I never knew my hair could be this curly.
Anyways, my glass is filled with icecubes and it's freezing my teeth off so that's fantastic. ^^
Holidays. I know I've taken ages and left you guys waiting for ages, but I honestly either didn't have a laptop/computer or couldn't be bothered. I'm terrible, I know.
So I went to France for 3 weeks, driving with the caravan, and it was AMAZING. Let me tell you all about it.
After driving the whole day, I got sick. As in puking sick. I can't even remember puking before that. I must have been like six, and even that I'm not sure about. I'm not the puking type.
Anyways, I probably had some sort of flu like my sister had the week before. It kept me up all night and the day after that, making me puke while there was nothing left in my stomach. (That's it for the gross part, sorry guys.)
The next day two girls came over to ask if we had a spare tent. I hadn't really slept in mine yet (I sleep outside the caravan in a little tent) but I was planning on sleeping there that night and we didn't have another one with us. So I said no and the girls went away and then I thought I could just as well let them have the tent for the night. They came by again and took the tent and all happy and stuff. It helped a lot that my parents wouldn't be pushing me to find friends all summer long.
The next day one of the girls came by with her boyfriend and a group of other kids and an icecream for me, and that's basically how I got invited to a campfire and got to know the kids on the campsite. Never knew I was that social. ;)


We had campfires almost every night. The campsite kinda included a beach, and it was all pretty small but reallt great. The spot I was on was about 2 metres away from the beach, so we could just grab a surfboard and jump into the water.
Thursdays there was this cute market in a nearby town, which was really an amazing thing and the market kind of flowed from the main square into town where it covered the next two blocks. I got all this amazing stuff, all kinds of shirts and two pairs of jeans and candy and very cute earrings and more of that stuff.
Also, there was this supermarket with an art supplies store. AN ART SUPPLIES STORE. I could've gotten lost in there if my parents wouldn't have dragged me out time and again. I got an awesome charcoal set, brush pens, beautiful pencils and some tiny erasers. I loved that.
Most of my days were just a blur of windsurfing, talking to people, laughing a lot, going to campfires and sleeping in. In the end, I slept in the caravan for most of the time. My tent was cold and lonely, I didn't really like it.
There's just some days that really jump out. When I teached some boys to surf, for instance. One of them took about half an hour before he could stand up with the sail in his hand and not fall down. The other one surfed away by himself within 15 minutes. It was awesome, because I felt like achieving something other than surfing up and down the beach all by myself.
Also there was the day I got a stone on my head. I actually regret not taking a picture afterwards, I looked like I walked straight out of a horror movie, with streams of dried blood on my face and a bandage on my head.
We were sitting around a campfire and throwing stoned into the fire and someone threw one on my head by accident. I'm glad I had my hoodie on, because who knows how bad it would've been if I didn't. :/
Anyways, I started bleeding like crazy, because that's what happens when there's a headwound. It wasn't really scary, just that I was afraid what would happen if I couldn't stop bleeding. Then one of the girls put her sweatshirt on my head and I felt so guilty because I was getting it full of bloodstains but she was really sweet and insisted on me keeping it on my head. Two guys ran off to find someone with a first-aid kit and withing 10 minutes I was all patched up and dry. Except that there was blood all over me.
So we walked to the bathroom stall with all 8 orso people. That actually was the scariest part of all, because my hand - which was slung around someone's shoulder because I couldn't really stand or walk by myself - was sleeping by the time we were halfway there. It was a 2 minutes walk. By that time I mentally freaked out. I already freaked out physically by crying and screaming at everyone to get help, but by that time I was so scared by the loss of blood I didn't really care about anything else anymore. I couldn't stand up for more than 3 minutes, by myself or with help. I was scared of being so weak really. I must've lost at least 2 litres of blood, maybe more.
I was made to repeat my full name and my birth date and the date of that day over and over again to make sure my brains were all okay. After we washed most of the blood from my face I went to the caravan and to bed, waking up every 2 hours on advice if the girls because if I would've had braindamage I could die.
It was one of those moments where I realized how easy it is to die, and how close I was to dying. Afterwards, it was absolutely terrifying, but at the time it didn't seem all that bad.

All in all, the summer was exactly everything I wanted. I was fixed on getting a boyfriend before going but the moment I arrived I realized it wasn't all that important to have a summer romance, just that I had fun. And I did. I had so much fun, I think I can last another year. ;)
And I got a penfriend out of it. Which is just as great as a summer boyfriend. Or better, because I get to keep her as my friend.

Day 298 - Part 2 - Blueberry (2)

So this is my new hair. :3
Oh, and that little red line on my hair, that's my scar. Or soon-to-be-scar.

Day 298 -Part 1 - Blueberry ftw.

So I just dyed my hair purple, waiting for it to dry out so I can really see the result (and yes that contains me taking a picture and showing it to you guys) but until then, all I've got for you are purple hands. ^^

Day 297 - Part 1 - Pineapple

I'm kinda guessing only Emi will get this title but that's fine. It's really dusty in my room.
Anyways, as much as I want to blabber about France, I'm gonna keep this post sort of short because I'd like to update my blog like today and not in three hours.
My eye is being creepy. I woke up yesterday and it was really irritated (after I dreamt about having an infection and going halfway blind, how freaky is that? probably have been scratching my eye all night) but now it's sagging and tearing and producing that yellow stuff you get when you're really tired. It's scaring the hell out of me because I know how much things can hurt once infected and inflamed.
On the bright side, my mom brought me a card which allows me to travel for free in the weekends so I can easily get to art academy (and a lot of cross-country friends), I'm allowed to paint my hair purple (which I will do somewhere coming week because I still have some hairdye lying around) and my collection is looking great (on paper, that is).