I somehow seem to have the ability of making things fall into place when I'm just about ready to give up on them. I only forget to realize that I do.
I was halfway floating today. Being happy. Real happy. For once, I didn't have to fight the tight frown that always seems to settle itself on my face when I'm in school. I was just... relaxed. Really relaxed. At peace with myself, a feeling that has been gone for a long time.
Usually, when I'm in school, I get really annoyed by those small kids thinking they own the school, running around and yelling at each other and smashing backs into walls and fighting, but it somehow didn't seem to bother me today. I kept my head up, my eyes fixed ahead of me, a rare thing for me to do. I always seem to sink into myself for a while while I'm at school, but I was beaming. I just was beaming. And I didn't mind, I didn't care about sceptical looks, I smiled back when people smiled at me, I waved, I hugged people just because I felt like doing it.
And, of course, I finished TrueBlood3, and passed it on to Emi.
The only negative part was in Dutch class. We had to write stories before, and today was evaluation. The teacher told us to read other's stories in groups, and then pick out the best and the worst, and to not feel sad if your story is picked as worst, because people don't reject you as a person, just the story you wrote. The point is, the one I wrote was some sort of retail therapy, and was all about me. Rejecting it means rejecting my life. (Which I do advise you to do, I'm all happy now, but I can't ever stand to go through that pain again.) I've always been a moderate to good writer, so I was confident that if I didn't get picked as best, I surely won't be last. And guess what?
I was.
But I don't fully believe it's done fair. The little group of people reading my story was a group of girls of 2 who don't like me at all, 1 who I don't really know and 1 whom I like but has a very weak opinion. So it would've been easy for the two to talk the rest into picking me as last. That didn't make the blow any less hard, though.
You know how hard it is to keep smile and appearing unharmed for me? It's as if someone kicked me in the stomache and the head 50 times at once. And I was sitting there, brave mode on, pretending I don't care, when all they did was deny my hard work to get where I am, and pushing me straight back down. For a terrible moment, I saw all I had crumble and me falling back to pieces. But I'm all good now, relying more and more on my own well-formed theory and pretending that's the truth. Gosh, I'm never gonna be able to fully get together, am I?
At least music will never fail me. I know I'm beautiful, I KNOW, and I'm not going to let this get to me. No one will bring me back down, no one will make me crumble, because I won't let them. I'm almost back up.
And this time, I don't care what people think. I don't care about their opinion, because I know the truth. And this time, Dennis, I mean it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yq1H3l7kyYU
Geen opmerkingen:
Een reactie posten