Day 93 - Part 1 - Hard days.

I told my mom about Dennis.
Which, truly, doesn't seem like so much of a big deal, looking at the sentence. But it was even harder than expected.
Emi wasn't there. In the end, I'm glad she wasn't, because it really was something I had to do alone with my mom, and I think she might have gotten frightened by my heavy crying. I still have faint bite marks on my fingers from bringing down hard, so the sobbing won't too terrible. We were in a park, you see.
It all started with a pair of shoes, how witty that may sound. My mom and I were cycling to the train station, going to the open day of the KABK, an art academy. So, going there, my mom dragged me by a few shoeshops, showing me some. In one of them, she made me try some on, and, well, I liked them, but I didn't have the money. And she was sitting there, encouraging me, making me choose the nicest ones. I didn't realize she wanted to give me some until I was mocking about the niceness of the shoes and her angry face. So I picked, she paid, she angry.
All the time in the train we were just sitting there, staring out the window, not talking. When we got there, she asked me if I understood why she was so mad. Well, I didn't. We were walking towards the building of the KABK, and she stopped at the egde of a park, talking to me. She told me how she tried so hard to be a good mom, how she wanted to be involved in my life, how she wanted to be there for me. And how bad she thought she failed. How I didn't let her in, how she couldn't reach me, how she hoped for me I would've had a better mom. I hated myself so intently for making her feel that way, it sacred me right through the anger and tears.
And then we walked into the park and sat down on a bench. She asked me if there was something I was not telling her, and I let out a squeeking "yes". And then she asked me what, and I just started sobbing and sobbing and sobbing, so much I wasn't sure where the tears came from. I bit in my finger to reduce the sobbing, then in the other, then in the piece beneath my thumb, because my fingers were starting to hurt real bad.
After a minute or five, the story slowly started to spill out, bit by bit, until I told her everything. The only thing she then said was that she thought I was a fool for not telling her earlier, and that she was very happy for me. And she hugged me real tight.
SoI pulled myself together a bit, and she started asking questions. What's his name, how old he is, where he lives, what kind of school he goes to, if his parents know. Also really senseless questions like his shoesize. But I was willing to answer whatever she asked, so grateful I exaggarated so much in my head.
Well, then we went into the building across the street, checking the academy, which, honestly, I didn't like. It was kind of closed, almost unwelcome. I am glad I went, now I'm even surer I want to go to ArtEZ. After that, my mom and I went to sit in this most adorable bar. And there I was bombarded with even more questions.
Why I fell for him. Well, that's quite hard to explain. My mom asked if it were the looks. (Meaning, is he shirtless with an eightpack, armmucles as big as my head, long black hair and blazing blue eyes?) So, I was like, "Erm, no." And then she said "Well, it's not for the sex." And I was going like "That's the fisrt thing you'd think of." And then she said "No, the second." And then we had a whole discussion about her thinking of sex and looks and not kissing, in the middle of a busy bar. I was like *facepalm* all over.
But, her joking is a good thing, that means she's all comfartable with the subject. And the food was real good, bread with goat cheese and walnuts and salad stuff, and an amazing smoothie, and then my mom got the most awesome chopped-up-brownie-and-stuck-together-with-caramel sticky piece of cake. Yummy :D
When I got home, she made me tell my dad, who asked just about the same questions, and then moved on to a random other topic, a sign for him to be comfortable with the subject.
In the end, I got the most amazing converse-style sneakers, with soft leather on the outside the inside covered with warm wool. It proved to be a good choise right away.
And all the while, Dennis and I were texting, and I just felt SO happy. I mean, this huge weight fell off my shoulders. And just for the record, yesterday was the very first time we actually made a sort of plan for meeting, one that might very possibly work. I'm so happy right now, better than I've been in months (with a few exeptions, of course).
Oh, and Milla/Pry says we have to meet on Valentines Day, because that would be so romantic. I'll discuss it, 'kay? ;)