So, my mom just walked in. It was kind of akward. I made all tabs small for a moment. She was like, "Are you still mad at me?" And I was like, "Yeah, sure." So she was all sugar and coating saying she liked the heels, and she got I liked them to, but I need 'decent' shoes to go to school with, and that they're all platic, and it's a lot of money, and it would be ok for parties, and she doesn't say no all the time but to the same thing all over and blahblahblah. And I was just sitting there, pretending to listen, staring blankly at my screen, afraid of using my voice for it would've broken. She just went on and on until she saw I wasn't reacting, and then the sugar-and-coating was back on all over again, and she was like "Can't we find you something that you like and I approve of as well?" and patting my head and stuff. So I just kept on staring straight forward, for I didn't want to blink and let her see the tears dropping from my eyes. Then she got all defensive and in her "Well, if you don't want to talk about it, I can't help you."-mode. I shaked my shoulders, and she walked out, and the moment I knew she couldn't see nor hear me anymore, I let go of a pained, broken sob.
No, I'm FAR from ready to forgive you, let alone talk to you, mom. And it's not the shoes, really. It's her not letting me make my own decisions, my own mistakes. I think she's just scared I'll follow my brother. And she's a very loving and sweet mom, don't get me wrong, she just doesn't seem to see it hurts me SO bad when she doesn't dare to let me go. Or she choses to close her eyes to her own mistakes, her own faults.
It's like all she only ever sees are mine.
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