Day 240 - Part 1 - Yay for nosebleeds... Again.

I was just rinsing my teeth after brushing and this one drop of blood fell down and I was like "oh that's just my teeth" and I looked up into the mirror and my entire face (from the nose down) was just covered in blood, I'm not kidding, it was fucking creepy.
I should probably have that checked out somewhere soon. Along with something else, but I'll talk to Emi about that tomorrow. I basicly just need het to say everything will be alright and I shouldn't worry because I need to focus on my test, and after that she can go freak out and tell me to go to first aid or the hospital or something but I NEED to get a sufficient for my test because I'm pretty much failing this year at the moment.
And I feel like that guy in "She's the man" (for those who don't know the movie, this one girl takes her brother's place in an all-boys school and it's really funny) when one of the guys asks her why she has tampons with her and she's going like "it works great when you have a nosebleed" and one time she walks into the room and the guy has a tampon stuffed up his nose and she gets a heartattack because I've got this rolled-up tissue sticking out of my nose and it looks absolutely ridiculous.
And that sentence was too long. So Matt, who's sentence was longer, yours or mine? 'Cause I keep losing track when I count lines.

Day 238 - Part 1 - Phonepost.

I honestly didn't know blogspot has an app, but it's really cool and I can update my blog on my phone now, yay! :D
So today was my first test of the week, French, and it wasn't that bad. I understood most of it and I could sleep in (HUGE plus).
This weekend was really cool. ^^
Ali congratzzzz! Aww, you're so cute ;)
Alice came over Friday, we went to her place for a sleepover and I convinced to set up a date with this one boy and Ali you're a really cute emergency back-up boyfriend. <3
And Sunday was so lazy, omg. I got at like 12, finished breakfast at around 1.30 and by 4.30 I started learning, I did so few yesterday, I love that.
And I got myself a CD from Jimmy Eat World, it's so good, been on replay for 2 days now, I love it so much. <3
My mom told me to get some german newspaper or something to practise for my test next Friday, so I went by all these shops and none had gernam newspapers and I almost gave up the hope when I cycled past this really cute second-hand bookshop which is like totally overpacked with books and I decided I want a house like that when I grow up, with bookshelves everywhere and books covering the ground and everything.
Anyways, I found two books so I went to pay for them and the man behind the counter (which was totally covered with books as well) looked me up and down and looked at the two books and he went like "that's 5 euros" but it was actually 7 so I payed and I walked out feeling all like people aren't that bad around here.

Day 233 - Part 1 - Offlineness.

So I have been and will be pretty offline and I won't update for some time, testweek's coming and I NEED to get my grades up. I really don't want to fail this year :/
Anyways, today I slept in. And I dodn't like it, which is a first. My dad came waking me at 11.30, and I was all like 'cmon it's Saturday, I don't want to get up yet. Then I realised it's NOT Saturday, and I actually slept through my first 3 periods. And missed my 4th because I still had to make breakfast and get dressed and cycle to school. Ugh, and it were OF COURSE the very last lessons of teachers I really like and surely won't have next year, because one of the topics is just a trial for a year and the other teacher turned 65. Which sucks, because I like them both a lot. I just hope I won't get in trouble for it.
Gotta keep up the good work, back to studying now.

Day 230 - Part 1 - Drowned kitty.

Yesterday was so lazy, omg. I haven't even gotten out of bed, except for food.
And then today, back to school. I feel like a drowned kitty tight now, it's terrible, I'm totally soaked.
And test week's coming, YAY. This week is so cramped, unbelievable, all these tests and reports to hand in and such. And then next week my last week of school, filled with tests and exams, and I don't even have the dates ready yet. GREAT planning, school. -.-'
I should go learn but I really can't be bothered atm. I;m clod and wet and tired and we had this stupid lecture so I just got home at 6 and it's raining and OF COURSE I got the worst of it, soaked within 2 minutes, and I'm hungry and moody and ranting and all I wanna do is go read a book and listen to music and chat with Matt and Brandon and Rae and Lin and Jims and some more people. Fuck this.

Day 229 - Part 1 - Matt's like Sleeping Beauty.

Seriousely. I threw him a pillow and he goes to sleep. And he woke up like half an hour ago, omg -.-'
So it's 3.30 in the morning, I'm freaking hyper and actually very happy. Really.
Matt's told me to just keep busy and not give my mind time to think, and that paid out.
If I would've played as much piano as I did the last few days in my first years, I would've been a famous concert pianist by now, I'm not kidding you. 5 hours on Friday, about 3 to 4 today, and I've gto learning a new song planned in for tomorrow, with searching for the chords (that is, findung them out on the piano) myself. Yep, got my head busy, for one. ^^
I'm kind of paranoid at the moment tho, if my parents wake up they'll kill me and take the computer and ground me for at least a month. Good thing they're not known for randomly jumoing out of bed in the middle of the night.
I should go to sleep tho. Won't get out of bed tomorrow and I have a million things to do. Wish me luck.
G'night y'all. ;)

Day 226 - Part 2 - Finding peace

Lets just remember the great stuff, 'kay?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y313hNAtTbw

Day 226 - Part 1 - Troubleshooting.

So I'm totally not in the mood for typing, but I haven't typed in ages, so I'll just write you guys someting.
Here's the thing. My sister's class is getting totally fucked up, which the principal promised not to do, but like all the kids are being victimized, really. Which totally sucks. And I know what it's like to feel unsafe in school. Fuck, I'm afraid for her.
Oh, and Dennis broke up. Tears all over, of course. My contacts got all muddled, thay can't stand the emotional version of me. ;)
Somehow, it's not as bad as I thought. I mean, I was sad and then very numb and now I'm just fucking tired, but I'm still somehow able to smile. I mean, I knew this was coming, right? I always knew, somewere deep down, that it wasn't going to last. At least I know it was real. And that is more than I can say about the past six years.
Dennis brought me back to life, now I've got to learn how to live it.

Day 223 - Part 1 - A little touch of heavenly light.

I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry for yesterday. I had a crappy mood, and I know that's absolutely no excuse for taking it out on you, but I'm sorry.
Just so you know, I'm not slipping back. I'm alive and I'm gonna stay alive, even if I don't always realise that. Unless some car drives me over, ofcourse ;)
So first things first.
Rae, I'm terribly sorry for taking things out on you. I shouldn't do that, it's not your fault and it was bad of me to do that. I'm sorry.
Lin, sorry for being selfish. Not everything is about me, I know, and I keep subjecting things to myself. I'm sorry.
Dennis, sorry for being grumpy and annoyed. Of course we're supposed to be able to talk about those things without me totally freaking out. I was being a bitch and I'm really, REALLY sorry about that.
And I guess I just calmed down in general. I did some school work, doing some impossible puzzle thing rn, and looking into a dress I promised to make for Emi which I added to my task list. Waiting for replies on my apps for charity work. Yep, I'm on the way up again.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ROtBbOcdFxo&ob=av2n

Day 222 - Part 2 - Tears.

Almost there. At least I know I still have feelings, yay.
I was watching SYTYD USA, and this song came up. Instant replay for now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BJjLlEBQ8ww

Day 222 - Part 1 - I don't even know how to feel anymore.

I mean, haven't we been over this a million times before? It's not like I haven't been lying awake for nights at end wondering about the exact some thing, trying to figure it out. Just don't keep me holding on to a dead end, okay? Because that would pretty much just suck.
Yeah, I had a pretty crappy day. And then again, it was a nice day too. Confused feelings all over, ugh. Sofie was staying over for the night, AMAZING SLEEPOVER, rawr. We went to see Snowwhite and the Huntsman, and seriousely thought about breaking into the cinema and putting it on instant replay all night long. We would've known it by heart in the morning, hehe. It's a really, REALLY awesome movie. You should all go see it.
And then after helping her getting into the right train, I went to go help Pauline with her homework. We didn't really do that much homework, though I made a list of "How to learn" for her, and we talked. About heavy stuff. About my being bullied and bursting into tears at school because it's just so hard and idk, sometimes it seems impossible to do anything right.
I mean, I KNOW i should be making my homework right now, learning for German and such, because I'll just do something to myself if I fail German, and this school year, and not get into the pre-programme of the art academy I want to go to when I finish school, but I just can't get myself to push things aside and concentrate. I just have too much on my plate right now, none of which I can put in my box of things I worry about but don't concern me, none of which will be any easier when solved. I'm getting stuck on my list of tasks because there's too much to do to even think about them, Lin won't talk to me anymore, it almost feels like I'm slipping back into a depression though I'm sure I just won't. I won't let myself. But I'm afraid I'm losing ways of stopping it from happening.

Day 218 - Part 1 - The problem is, darling, I think you sometimes forget to be happy with yourself, too.

I like today. I really do. And I will like it for some more.
So I have a 9 in Drama. On a scale of 1 to 10. Which, is like, AWESOME. yk, the critics we're grading on (you basicly give yourself a mark, let the group talk about it a little, and then the teacher, she makes up the final mark) are more or less this: did you grow and did you learn what you wanted to learn?
So for growing, I definitely did. I learned to play better, take on heavier parts, I even learned to give better feedback, which is a big part of acting. The reflecting on things and such, yk.
And then for what I wanted to learn. At the beginning of the year, our teacher asked to say why we were taking the drama course. There were all this people going like "for fun, for learning to present something" etc. And I came up with honesty.
Because, what I really wanted to learn in Drama, was to be able to open up. To be honest about who I am and what I've been through, and the learn to trust people. So today, when we were grading, my teacher asked me if I did learn to be honest.
And I said I grew. Because I did. I might not have grown that much as an actor, but I've grown personally. It's less recognisable but more feelable. And I've not so much learned to be open to everyone, but I've learned to be honest. With myself. And I didn't learn to trust people. I've learned to be able to trust people. And that is so much more than I expected.
As it turns out, my day started pretty great. And it didn't fail on me. My lessons were pretty boring but not all too bad, my free period was spend outside in the sun reading a book (One Day by David Nicholls, it's AMAZING AMAZING, you should all totally read it, wow <3) and by the time I turned my iPod on and cycled home, nothing could break my mood. I don't know if I ever said this before but I'll say it again, did you ever notice how every single song turns into asummer hit when the sun's shining and the weather's great? It's amazing. You should try it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yP4qdefD2To&ob=av2e
And what you should also do is read Amino's story. He is a pretty awesome writer, but shush, don't tell him that, no need to make him feel all posh and sturdy. He's special as things are, right?
http://amino-talks.blogspot.com/
ANDANDAND. Why is the mail so freaking slow? Does it really have to take over a week to go deliver a package to Germany? Gosh, Dennins still didn't get his present. :/
Oh, and I signed up for Kunstbende today. Which is a competition for young talent. And I signed up of "Fashion", so third collection, here I come :D

'It's not gonna change you, is it?'
'What?'
'Being very, very, very, very slightly famous.'
~ David Nicholls

Day 217 - Part 1 - Happy birthday and holidays.

Last Thursday, my mom came home saying, "guys, I've booked a hut on a campsite somewhere for this weekend, we're leaving tomorrow, who's coming?" So I jumped up being all happy and called Alice to come along and just went off for the weekend.
And it was wonderful. Sun all over, me getting stung by insects and sorts three times within the first hour, huge outside swimming pool down the road and LOTS of suncream. :D
And, even better, I actually managed to sneak in some homework. Applause for me. x)
ANDDDD, HAPPY BIRTHDAY DENNIS <3
Now my boyfriend is 2 years older than me :D
Awesome. <3

Day 212 - Part 1 - Worrydolls and a heartattack.

Today's WONDERFUL <3
The weather's still amazing, school's pretty okay, I gave Cille and Diana worrydolls and letters (well, I gave Cille a letter and just told Diana), I even have 2 worrydolls for myself. I'm going shopping with Diana in half an hour, I love my outfit and my sunglasses.
When I get home, I always check the mail if there's something for me. Usually there isn't though, and if there is it's usually just banknotes, but today there was a letter from the government. And that just scared me to hell. Because my brother had a lot of trouble with childservices (they're total bitches, don't be mistaken), and for a moment I thought they were placing me out. Especially since there's a letter for my sister and my mom, too. Gosh I had a heartattack, unbelievable.
And I happen to be so much happier when I hardly sleep at all at night. It so strange. I have been lying awake till 2 am, and today I'm just so happy and just... Feeling good.
And now I've got to hurry, Diana'll be here in a few minutes and I still have a lot to do. ^^

Day 211 - Part 1 - Summertime and tights.

The weather's so wonderful this week. It's all sunny and warm, I've been walking around in short summer dresses and skirts all week. :D
I've also been wearing my contacts. I never noticed before how small my eyes get when I wear my glasses, but now that I don't wear them, it's so obvious, omg. I love my sunglasees, btw. They're so cute :3
The only thing I hate about the weather is my skin. (Makes sense, huh?) The point is, I'm so darn white, I need to spend like 10 minutes putting suncream on to make sure I don't get lobster red. But I still get sunburned. UGH, I hate that. :/
So my computer officially crashed yesterday. Even safe mode won't work. And my dad doesn't really have time to go fix it until next week, so I'm stuck behind his again. -.-'
Also, I brought me some tights, to block the sun and make me a little less embarrassed about the shortness of my dress (it IS really short), but it already had a ladder in it after a few hours, so I cut out the middle parts, and just walked on with weird socks and still some kind of cover-up under my skirt. So, yeah, bad quality. Not that any of those tights are real good quality, they all rip up after a day or two, so I'm glad I just brought the cheapest kind.
I've also been writing letters. Another task on my list. It feels good to let people know what they mean to me. I love it when someone likes something I do, or just likes me, and I like to be told. (Oh, yesh, I love ego boosts :P) So I figured, others might as well. And that's what I'm doing. Letters to friends and lovers. People, watch the mail ;)

Day 209 - Part 1 - I trip, you fall.

I hate school. Well, not so much school, more the homework-tests-and-forced-to-be-in-time part. If it just were for the classes, I'd probably really enjoy school. And my mom wouldn't make such a point about me computering all day long.
So we decided to move the computer downstairs. The thing is, I spend about as much time on my computer as I do in school. Which is really, REALLY bad. You can ask my grades. :/
I need to get my sister out of the bath. She and a friend of hers smeared facepaint all over their bodies. And they keep begging for more time, though her friend will be picked up soon. So I just gave them another 2 minutes. Because I don't feel like arguing with a bunch of 9-year olds.
There's just too much for me to do. And I keep stumbling over myself, over all the things I should be but am not.
I trip all the time. I trip. But you fall.

Day 205 - Part 1 - Extra virgin.

I'm totally lacking motivation for anything today. I've got to write my English essay, I really want to call Lin but I have no idea what to tell her, because I think she won't believe I really do care, I can't keep up any conversation and I'm even too lazy to get some food, which is terrible.
So I spend the day in roli and watching TV with my mom, sometimes writing a few extra lines on my essay but never really getting anythere. It really sucks.
Song of the day: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bK463fcJebI&ob=av2n
Oh, and I just realized, why do bottles of olive oil say "Extra Virgin"? Like, did they put in 2 virgins instead of one? I thought it was suitable for veggies.
So confuzzled rn.

Day 203 - Part 1 - Drama 101

I hate being overemotional. I've had a shortage of sleep like, forever, but I'm actually starting to notice it now. I'm being a total bitch to my sister (I'm sorry little sis D:), I get angry over the tinyest of things, my spelling's totally floppy (as you may have noticed), and I suddenly cry.
And not just cry, CRY. I mean the long, weeping, out-of-breath, terrible noises cry. It's so annoying -.-'
And once I've started, everything starts to shake (including me) and I just CAN'T stop. I hate that.
So I baked 2 cakes today, totally awesome, and I already knew I was short on time and low on ingredients. So what do I do? After 2 hours of decorating, I drop one. Ful outburst of tears, cake all over the floor, me in rocking tears, and then my brother (who can be totally sweet and awesome) came down and heard me rant and then went downstairs to clean up the kitchen for me. It all turned out pretty fine though, and both girls loved their cakes.
The good part is, I made another 2 goals. That's 3 in 4 days, I'm really proud of me :D

I'm a walking wreckage, YAY! :D (And no, that's not sarcasm, I'm so darn tired that being a walking wreckage sounds like the better option.)

Day 202 - Part 2 - Raeeeeee

She has a blog now. You guys should totally check it out, she's so sweet and it's really cute and fun to read and afjkghajksdg just follow it ^^
http://www.theraerayy.blogspot.co.uk/

Day 202 - Part 1 - Jeans and pancakes.

Okay WHY did I put pancakes in there? That doesn't even have anything to do with anything. What's wrong with me? xD
Anyways, I got to sleep in this morning <3
First 2 hours off, that just makes my day. Then just plain old boring school ._.
And, I fixed 3 pairs of jeans today. *pats on shoulder* Fixing jeans is seriousely one of the most boring things you can do with a sewingmachine. It's just turning yourself onto autopilot and let your hands do the work, not thinking, nothing difficult. And I like challenges, so it's just boring to me. But I've been putting it off all this time, those jeans have been lying around forever, so I figured it would be time to finally go fix them.
And I didn't even start on my list yet D:
Before I started, I was like, I want to do this thing and that thing and that thing but I CAN'T because it's not day 200 yet. And now it's past day 200, and I'm like "ah, I'll do that later on". I'm such a strange person.