Day 59 - Part 1 - Sick and Tired.

I'm SO sick and tired of too many things. Not getting the sleep I need, for one. it is partially my own fault, yes, but my dad does NOT have to wake me at 11 in the holidays. Or the weekend, for that matter. Today was a one in a million, sleeping in until 1 in the atfernoon. But that was only because my sister woke me for breakfast. I could've slept forever.
And then, thingd kinda got worse during the day. I had breakfast, my mom kept me downstairs by telling me all sorts of stuff I'm NOT interested in (a habit of hers I get very annoyed by), I took a shower. Then I was supposed to call Dennis, but I was nervous like crazy, so I teskted him that, and decided to call him anyways. But he didn't pick up. And we so much agreed I would call. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. I miss him too much, I think.
My sister wanted me to take her to the science centre close to our house, which I am bored like hell by, but i the end she couldn't find her pass to get in frewe and we didn't go. There went an hour of searching for nothing, yay.
So, up I went, back to my computer and re-emptied desk. Read a little. Went chatting with some people on gsm and ppg. No Dennis online. And then the internet decided to hate me and went out for the rest of the day, which, by the way, was only two hours to dinner by then, dinner that I had to cook. It was my turn today.
And I finished my book, the True Blood series first one, I love it, but I got the creeps and now I'm kinda afraid of the dark all over again. Still no Dennis.
And then I cooked dinner, had dinner, dad's late once again, my sister doesn't want to eat, my brother preferably never came down. We did have a good time, though.
Now I just had to put my sister to bed, but she wants me to watch home Alone 2 with her, which my mom allowed her to watch, so I'm stuck in my parents room with my sister and a movie I don't really want to see. Internet's back on, but that doesn't really matter. I'll take True Blood 2 with me.
And all this time, no Dennis.

Day 58 - Part 1 - Starting fresh.

Yep, my room is all cleaned up. Finally. But not without a series of yelling mom, some serious talks, more yelling, waking up at nine and working like crazy so my mom won't throw everything out. Yuck.
I can clean, really, I can. I'm just not that good at getting myself to actually work on it. Too freaking bad. You don't have to make me cry for that, mom. Great start of a three week aniversary -.-'
THREE WEEKS! I'm so happily hyper right now. It's over half of a month. Oh my WOW. I love him. Dennis, I love you. Forever ;)
Anita's coming over soon to go shopping, correction, she just came in, so I'll be off. Bye guys ^^

Day 57 - Part 1 - Mixed Feelings.

My life's pretty much perfect right now: I've got an amazing boyfriend, sweet friends, I get good grades in school, I have a lot of people liking me, I'm talented in quite some things, I found a solution for my ADHD and for losing weight, but it just... Doesn't feel good.
I feel like I'm waiting for something. Like I need something to take a first step. Like my life is empty. But I know it isn't. It's not reallt saddening, really not, I'm still very happy, it's just very weid. My life is perfect, but it's like the stories I write: it's going nowhere.

Day 56 - Part 3 - I won't let you make me regret.

I won't let you make me reget
The mistakes I made
The things I did wrong
Because I learned from them.

I won't let you make me forget
The good memories
Or the bad times
Because I know them.

I won't let you make me try
To feel bad, broken
Lost in pain
Because I've been there before.

I won't let you lift me up
To drop me down
Or leave me floating

Because no matter how hard I try
I will never see the sky

Unbroken


*this just popped into my head*

Day 56 - Part 2 - Never even mind it.

Yeah, sure mom. It's fun, screwing up my computer and then yelling at me like it's all my fault, isn't it? Isn't it just the ultimate fun screaming at me for an answer, then smacking the door of my room as you leave, me being left biting my lip until it almost bleeds just not to tear up in front of you? Oh, so much fun screwing my presents by tapping on it and doing something weird so my computer looks totally sucking and I can't repair it.
I love her then I hate her... Can't she ever be normal?
Tears are clouding my vision and wetting mt shirt, but who gives a damn?
I can tell you who doesn't for sure.

Day 56 - Part 1 - GOSH, I love this thing.

Oh yes, I do.
I disconnected my mouse now, I'm using my tablet only, and I LOVE it.
And I love my cd. It's A-MA-ZING. I guess I'm addicted ;)
So, this tablet came with this awesome trial tutorial programme thing, and I'm addicted to the games ;)
AND I want Dennis to come back online. I miss you. No matter how long we talk, how many hours, days, it never seems to be enough. Somehow, whenever one of us has to leave, it feels like we've only be talking for minutes. I hate it. Grmbl.
JIMMY, get online NOW. I need someone to brag to ^^

Day 55 - Part 1 - Luzzie Loves Christmas.

I LOVE CHRISTMAS.
From now on. Got amazing presents. For one, my parents got me a Bamboo tablet. I mean, one of those 200 euro things :O
I HAVE been nagging about it forever, but I never ever thought they'd actually get me one <3
Other presents: A My Chemical romance cd (LOVEITLOVEITLOVEIT), two store boxes, new slippers, a weird funny game and fabric paint plus figures. My brother got a new guitar, my sister a 3DS, my dad a new coffee machine, and my mom stacks and stacks of books. And some other things, but these were the best ones.
I'm gonna instal my new tablet RIGHT NOW, so merry Christmas to you all, and have fun today <3

Day 54 - Part 3 - Lets listen to these smart people.

OK, Dennis?

Day 54 - Part 2 - afghrkjgfd

Now that my nternet is being all happy again, my youtube is failing. Just when I get all these links, which contain my new favoutire songs :(

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YFEDTtKaFzU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XHraqDekXg0&feature=related

Day 54 - Part 1 - Speechless.

Day 53 - Part 2 - Storm in my room.

I wish my dad would fix my window. It's cold in here, gaps by my window, wind blowing in. I've got all these scarfs and shawls gathered in my windowframe to keep out the worst, which kinda sucks, because my room isn't getting any prettier. And now I'm sitting here surrounded by cold air and wind and creepy noises and I've got my toed pressed against the heater and I'm pretending to be deaf and NOT cold... Which, to be honest, is actually working out pretty good.
But my dad's sending me off too bed, and my eyes are drooping, and even Dennis is telling me to go, and I DON'T want to.
Gonna go anyway, I think.

Good night everybody.

Day 53 - Part 1 - Making Wishes

http://www.esprit.com/
I did that some time ago, I wonder if anyone's able to find me ;)
Anyways, this morning was Christmas breakfast at school, which was nice, though all I ate was unhealthy (apart from this one mandarine which doesn't make up for anything AT ALL), and then when my class was wrapping things up, Anita dragged me along to her class, where I spend another hour of two doing weird games and having fun.
Then I drove home with Alice, and decided to go over to her place, cycling through some cold wetness that wasn't realy fog and wasn't really rain and wasn't really drizzle. It was weird.
I REALLY like her family. It's crazy and weird and random and her sister and brother are, like, WILD, and her father's funny and her mom kinda keeps everyone together, but she has fun too. It's a funcional family, with just about the same craziness level as me.
AND, it's cold enough outside to blow clouds of breath. Which I was worried about, since it wasn't for a long time and I'm usually freezing, no metter where I am.
Dinner now ^^

Day 51 - Part 2 - Regrets.

Never had them, never will.
Well, that's not true, but I'll never regret sending my letter to Dennis <3

Day 51 - Part 1 - Party Time

Lots and lots of them ^^
For one, today's Diana's birthday, she's 17 now, so congrats to her.
Second, I'm having my period. Which isn't that much iof a party at all, it hurts and it's VERY annoying, but after loosing so much weight, I'm very gald my body still works normally.
Third, I gained another half a kilo, so I'm happy about that.
And forth, SCHOOL'S OVER! I had my last day of lessons today, and I won't have anymore classes for the rest of 2011 (which, I know, lasts about two more weeks, but it's awesome anyway).
Also, we have to write an essay on "The Book Thief" by Markus Zusak (consider reading it, REALLY), and I let Barbara read my introduction, and she thought it was good, so I let my teacher read it too, and he thought it was so good that he make this other girl read it. And she tought is was good as well, so she read the other one and a half paragraph I've written, just to get an idea of what an essay should look like. And my former essays (in the last threee years) sucked big time, so I'm very proud of myself.
And lastly, I finished my letter to Dennis. I'm just about to leave to post it, and it's awesome. Oh, and Dennis, there's a little surprise. I bet it's not as expensive as those super cute chocolates (which I still think of as a waste to eat), but it's cool anyways ^^
So now I'm off to post the letter and get peanutbutter and nutella for tomorrow's Christmas breakfast at school.
Cooking tonight! :D

Day 50 - Part 2 - Screwed up fun.

I like celebrating Hannukah... Until my mom sends me off to put my little sister to bed and she doesn't want to so we start this fake fight and have a lot of fun until a door accidentally slams into her face and my mom comes up yelling at me all over while it wasn't my fault that we were being wild in the first place.
Anyways, I'd better be going off to bed now, before my parents start to kill me for real. I love you all ^^

Day 50 - Part 1 - Back online.

My internet has been failing for almost 3 days, but my dad fixed it now ^^
So, life's been kinda boring in here. I've got no homework because of the Christmas break coming up, my room needs a cleaning, which I'm working on, but it's not keeping my mind real busy, the internet was out, I've got no money, I'm out of books and I don't have inspiration to draw or design. In short, my life kinda sucks big time right now.
Also, Dennis isn't online, and i miss him like crazy, so I guess I'm going off to ppg now to nag and break people's heads about him ;)

Day 47 - Part 2 - I love my phone.

Well, actually I like the person on the other side of it. I seriousely got the sweetest message ever. Of course, i've seen it passing by in varying forms quite often, but never from my love, Gah, I love Dennis so much. I wish I could make time pass fast, and then let it stand still forever.
But well, those kind of big wishes don't really come true.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FAPtTS0TYtU&feature=fvst

Day 47 - Part 1 - Too tired.

Oh, fine, Dennis is right, my body DOES need sleep. I went to bed around 00.30, and I woke up at 12, but I'm just so tired. Too tired to do anything. With that, having to make a history file and learning German doesn't really keep me awake either. Better to say, I'm slumping my my chair and trying my best to keep my eyes open. But I think my friend's here, so I'll be off now. Enjoy this picture in the mean time ;)

Day 46 - Part 7 - Tell me all about it.

Day 46 - Part 6 - Movies.

I just watched Disney's Up (loveitloveitloveit) and the biggest part of Underworld (3 I think, it was about that Victor guy killing his daughter), and after that, all I could think was: Luckily I've got a father who'll let me live, even if I break all his rules and get hooked up with some crazy loving German guy, because, erm, I did.

Day 46 - Part 5 - World-famous

Just to give you an idea of who is reading (or, actually, to give myself an idea, though I can see the stats), this is most of the countries that have been viewing my blog (at least one person just once). I think that's just pretty amazing ^^

The Netherlands
Germany
France
Morocco
Brazil
Czech Republic
Sweden
Finland
The USA
Canada
England
Russia
Estonia
Poland
Denmark
Norway
Malta

Day 46 - Part 4 - My nails are getting too long.

Wow. I never though I'd ever say that. I've been biting my nails for years and years, and then three months ago, I suddenly stopped. So now I've got huge nails, because I don't want to cut them because I'm so proud of the length. The only problem is, I can't really tekst anymore and just now I've broken of a chunk of my cookie, and I hurted myself because my nail pinched me :O
Oh, and I'm eating my entire chocolate savings, so that's bad... Though I don't mind gaining some weight ;)

Day 46 - Part 3 - Making new friends.

So, on ppg, where I "met" Dennis, I think just about everyone knows about us. I'm on chat right now, and I keep getting messages from people that they're happy for us, talking about all kinds of things I can't remember telling them. So either Dennis told them, or people are actually reading this. It's quite awesome, though, finally being able to alk about it with people, without having to make sure no one's listening. I guess I love ppg ^^

Day 46 - Part 2 - Loving Live.

Live is the name of a band, yes. I have to explain that all the time. But they're AMAZING. I mean, listen. *blown away*

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jpCa7Ay596M&ob=av2n

Oh, and it's freezing in here, my teeth are shattering all the time. My dad needs to fix my windows pronto. It almost feels like I'm outside :(

Day 46 - Part 1 - Writing a Bestseller.

I call it "Breaking Boundaries"...
Just because that could be a suitable title for any kind of book ;)

I went off to search someone who’d believe me. To find the one who could see the possibilities. I decided that my life was not only too boring, but also too empty to live. Every now and then, I’d have great days – hanging around with my friends, having a party, doing something big. I’d stay up all night, fall asleep in an unknown house, after being with an unknown woman. I’d be drunk, hooked up, hung over and worn out. I’d have forgotten all about my perfect day, my wonderful night, and all I’d be remembering is how the hell I’d be getting home, without money or a car. All that’s ever left is the bittersweet aftertaste of knowing you did something memorable, but forgetting what exactly you did.
I had bad days too. Actually, most of my days were terrible, sitting behind a weathered desk inside a grey office, day in, day out, sorting papers without noticing what they were about, making calls with annoyed people, trying my best not to fall asleep and be in time. I had an angry boss, bored colleagues, long hours and too much spare time, which I spend behind my computer, playing virtual card games and listening to the bad music that my neighbouring colleague send me by e-mail. I used to have a book or two scattered around the place, but since I’m not much of a reader, I took them back home again to leave them slouching in one of my empty shelves.
My house, too, was nothing spectacular. I had a tiny apartment, on the ninth floor of a building without elevators, consisting of an open kitchen, a joined bedroom and bathroom, and a two-part living room. The floor was wooden, the walls were white, and the roof leaked. In the living room I had an old, grey sofa, an old-fashioned TV on an empty wooden box, two half-empty open cupboards with a couple of unread books, a few candles, two or three CD’s, a radio, a small toolkit and some empty bottles of wine, a wooden table with a broken computer on it, a lamp, some windows and two chairs. The kitchen was even emptier, with only the basics for cooking and three plates. My fridge was filled up with beer, a carton of milk, some meet and a salad. Rice was installed on the kitchen unit, there were some food rests on the floor, the trash bin was loaded and a dirty pan was placed in the sink. The bedroom had a single bed, a tiny wardrobe, a bedside table, two lamps and a hole where once a door was placed to enter the bathroom. The bathroom had a shower with broken tiles and some green stuff on the walls, a sink, a mirror on a cupboard and the smallest window I’ve ever seen. Everything I needed to survive.
I had no girlfriend, no siblings, no pets and no goal. My parents were sweet and caring, but old and imprisoned in a house for the elderly, locked up in a room with bright pink walls, a green carpet and lots of old people in wheelchairs. I used to visit them once a week, but by that time it had faded to once every two months. In the weekends, I spend all day in the “park”, a big garden with a small pond, a few trees and some benches, surrounded by flats and other big, ugly buildings. I sat there whole days, feeling the sun on my skin or watch people walk by. I ran a few laps to keep up my health, and then walked back home. And when it rained, I sat at home, on the sofa, watching TV, ordering pizza and going to bed early.
I kept telling myself that I needed a hobby. But after working from 8 to 10, I was too tired to think of anything. And the weekends were too lazy to even imagine thinking of a hobby. Even my holidays, spend on the campsite just outside town, were no inspiration for me to ever make something of my life. And all the while I was just repeating the same pattern, earning more money than I ever needed, spending lonely days at home, falling asleep late, getting up late, boring weeks and lazy weekends. It was the kind of life even the most uninteresting person on the Earth would think of as boring. And when even my best friend told me I wasn’t getting any better this way, I decided this was it. I reached my bottom, the end of the fall. That one day, calling my best friend to ask him about his life, I turned my world around. I made the best decision of my life.

Day 44 - Part 1 - Pull yourself together.

So my mom and I just had this long conversations about me not doing anything, and I must say, it's true, and now we decided to do something about it together, after me bursting into tears and being unable to speak a word. Now I have to go shut my computer down, because that'd be the first step. I probably won't, just feeping open Facebook and iTunes, though my mom might get real mad at me for that. But for now, I'm off designing.

Oh, and I decided to write a bestseller, just because I want to. It's looking great for now, one page introduction already and way to go. I have absolutely no idea WHAT it is I'm writing about, though. Usually I come up with an idea, then work it out and strand somewhere, but this time I just started on it blank. I just typed, and I have no idea at all what the story will be about. It feels awesome, making things up as I go, but not knowing what comes next. I might even finish it, for a first. And I might put up some parts on here if I feel like it. But until then, you guys just have to wait until it's in stores, for I am writing a bestseller. ;)

Day 43 - Part 1 - Slow internet and a lazy day.

Now that my internet is sort of fixed, I'm all ready and set to go typing again, though it's still VERY slow.
So, today was a really lazy day for me. I usually start around 9 in the morning on Wednesdays, but today the first two classes were cancelled, so I got to until 9.30, because I only had to be in school at 11 *miniparty*. Of course, as always happen to me, I was on the verge of being late. But, I did have a great time this morning playing dress-up with myself, meaning me deciding to go for a festival look (T-shirt, little make-up, loads of braceletts, a ponytail, extra necklases) in the middle of the winter. Which actually turned out to be pretty awesome ^^
I also had to go the the hospital today, to the surgeon, where I waited for, like, an hour to be looked at for not even 5 minutes. Anyways, I need to get yet ANOTHER surgeory. The fifth one. -.-'
Which, as it might seem, is really not so bad at all, because it's very tiny, and I only have to walk with sticks for about a week (allow me to explain, my toe has been inflamed off and on for the last two years, because my toenail kept growing into my flesh). The only shitass thing is, that I need to get two needle pricks first. Not that I'm any kind of afraid of needles and stuff, I mean, I keep punching holes in my fingers when I sew stuff, and I hardly even feel it anymore, the only reason I check on my fingers is to make sure therewon't be any blood on the fabric, because it's near to impossible to get blood out, but these needles are HELL. They have to go straight into my bone, to make sure I don't get all soft and week all over my body, which already hurts more than just a normal needle in your arm, but it's also in my foot, the place that is the most sensitice to that kind of stuff (though you might not think so).
So, I've got a perfect day off hell coming up, three days after 2012 has started. *hateshateshates*
And right now my internet seems to be failing me again, so I'll just cut off right here and try again tomorrow.
I love you guys ^^

Day 42 - Part 1 - Failing internet.

So, my internet is REALLY slow, and has been gone for two days, which explaines my not-writing. I'm sorry guys :(
I kinda got to go now, fashionclass in a few. I'll write more tomorrow, promise.

Oh, and Dennis, I think we rule at temporarily solutions ^^

Day 39 - Part 3 - So true.

Day 39 - Part 2 - A typical conversation between me and Dennis.

I love you - I love you too
Random subject one of us brings up.
I missed you - I missed you too.
I love you - I love you back.
Another random subject one of us brought up.
I want to call you - It's too expensive :(
I love you - I love you too
*hugs* - *hug back*
:* - :*
Love you - Love you too
I want to go to you - You can't afford it/No time/I know :(
Random topic again
I need to go, but I don't want to - *sad smiley*/NO!/Enjoy dinner/Good night
I love you - I love you too

And it always goes sort of the same. But I don't mind. And we SHOULD call. Or just you talking and I speak messages for you again, my dear Dennis <3

Day 39 - Part 1 - Too tired to get moving.

I'm having problems. I mean, like, SERIOUS problems. I lost 2.5 kilos. After gaining 1.5. so now I'm only 43 kilos. Which is worrying, since six months ago, I was 47... And I tried my hardest to eat everything within reach.

Oh, and Dennis... Right back at you <3 ^^

chaya...
I think that you know that I would do anything for you

Day 38 - Part 1 - The sweetest thing ever.

I just got your letter, and things couldn't get any better. I know I have so much to do, but I just don't care at all. I love you forever and ever <3
I think I read it about 5 times in the first 3 mintues, and then you came online ^^
I hope you understand I can't bear eating those chocolates, it's way too sweet of you :*
Oh, and you seriousely just made me go all soft and gooey inside. I love your voice so much, and I hate my computer for not letting my mic work. Though I'm glad we found that site, so now we can just talk without any costs ;)
Even though I just spend the last half hour to get the mic work, and it still doesn't. I should go do something useful. but who cares, I just want to talk to you. I am afraid that for today we just need to call then. And I think I'm less nervous now. Because you talked to a computerscreen all by yourself while I was still working on my technical problem. Anyways, things can't get more akward then the first time, can they? I miss you, my dear Dennis.
And I love you even more.

Day 37 - Part 1 - Focussing on nothing.

I knew yesterday was a good day... But it keeps getting better. Online since yesterday:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ux2k07ToaRA


And I just love that song ^^
Anyways, my mind was all blanked out on Dennis today. I really don't have a clue how Emi can still be focussed in school with her boyfriend sitting next to her in all possible lessons. I already can't focus when my boyfriend is a few 100 km away D:
Emi walked up to me this morning, and I was sitting in front of the classroom, against a wall, waiting for the teacher to upen up the door and let the boring schoolday begin, and she pulled me up and gave me the biggest, most awesome hug I think I've ever gotten from her, and whispered "I'm so happy for you" in my ear. And all I could do was hug back and have a smile that's so big I thought it wouldn't fit on my face. So then we were having this HUGE - really, I'm serious, no kidding - conversation in three words, and her boyfriend and the other people around the table were looking at us like "Are you still sane or shall I help you find your lost mind?" And we were just sitting there, smiling, talking in half words, and perfectly understanding everything the other said. Or thought, that is, because we didn't really say that much.
So I was all dreamy and gone today, had a screaming friend for telling her I've got a boyfriend (and THANKS, not the entire school needs to know, darling). Good thing I didn't tell her his name right away, because then I wouldn't have been able to stop her from telling things. She's not so much of a secret teller, but sometimes she just overreacts in a happy hyper way. It is cute to see, though ^^
And Diana was all happy for me and we were writing notes in French class and both having huge smiles on our faces and talking in half sentences no one understands and we got all these weird looks and even though she isn't so much of a weird-random-dancing-party-time freak like me, neither of us cared.
And, as promised, I spammed Dennis with teksts. I hope you don't mind, darling ^^
And IF you do, too bad, I won't give up spamming people that easily. Especially not if they're as perfect as you ;)
And now Jimmy's making me crazy all the way. She's going on about how cute we are together (I must admit, I like the sound of "we" and "together") and going caps mode all the time. I miss him so much as it is already, you crazy girl. Thursdays suck. They take too long :(
So I'm still afraid to tell my parents. I want to yell his name atthe top of my lungs, and talking to my mum, who'll be giving me unnessecary and unasked advise, I want my dad's stupid jokes, I want my sister's mysterious expressions and her constant reminding me of her having a boyfriend for way longer than me and how cute she will look at my wedding. But I can't, for fear of losing the one I love the most in this world.
But he just came online right now, so I'll be off talking to my perfect stranger <3
IloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyou loads and loads and loads. Just so you know, my dear Dennis <3


"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be." - Douglas Adams


"It's kind of fun to do the impossible." - Walt Disney

Day 36 - Part 2 - Nerves building up already.

So. Dennis and I are gonna call tonight. What do I say? What will we talk about? Will it be akward? It probably will. Who cares anyways. He's my boyfriend. MINEEEEE.

Oh, and just because this one's stuck in my head, not because I really feel that way:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ePGMv1PrBYg&feature=autoplay&list=PLDBC5EC78441B232E&lf=mh_lolz&playnext=1

Day 36 - Part 1 - IT'S OFFICIAL

I'm almost jumping out of my chair in here. I decided it's no use saying no since I love him so much. So I said yes. And now I'm officially taken. And happier than ever. Gah. Floating on a cloud of love. A pink one, yes, my darling. Though having your phone number is VERY bad for my money... But who cares?
I'm someone's girlfriend.
Oh, wait. Scrap that, please.
I'm the girlfriend of the most beautiful, amazing, sweet, caring, loving, crazy and awesome boy in the entire world.

And no one's gonna change that.

Day 34 - Part 1 - Celebrations.

Saint Nicklas day. STRESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! Well, the poem is almost finished, I got a present, and I'm warming up from being outside. Let the party begin ^^

Day 33 - Part 4 - Dear Jimmy.

You know I'm joking, right? I could never win an awesomeness cometition from you. Cuteness, on the other side... You're gonna lose BIG TIME. >:D

Day 33 - Part 3 - Shaking up iTunes.

So, I'm just adding four R.E.M. cd's to my iTunes, after all Bruce Springsteen I could find and some U2. I'm robbing my parents' music collection. Temporary, that is. They'll get the cd's back. But I keep the songs too ^^

Day 33 - Part 2 - She's Falling.

http://www.pacerteensagainstbullying.org/#/act/speaking-out/hayley-reardon/shes-falling-audio.html

Day 33 - Part 1 - Shower Attack.

How I love waking late and then standing in the shower for an hour... ^^
So, I'm still floating on a pink puff cloud of love and happiness, and nothing seems to be able to bring me down. I love that. I love him ^^
Yesterday, I spend ALL day (from 1 o'clock in the afternoon until 12 o'clock in the night) making a LEGO paperdoll. Abnormal. The guy who makes this stuff is AMAZING. Though we all think he has no girlfriends, seeing the time it takes to make this stuff, let alone design it... D: (http://members.home.nl/saarloos/index.htm)
Anyways, I've been putting off writing a poem for secret santa all day, so I might want to get started. Wish me luck D:

Day 31 - Part 4 - Free Rice.

And since I'm being all goodie-two-shoes and helping-people-mood today anyway, check out this site as well. ^^

http://freerice.com/

Day 31 - Part 3 - Preparing to cry.

Yes. I decided to tell my story, to wtire everything down and be over with it for once and for all. I'm gonna let it be posted on this site, http://www.pacerteensagainstbullying.org/, and, I hope I'll be able to help others with the same problem as me. Oh, and you guys should all sign the petition (http://www.pacerteensagainstbullying.org/#/sign-the-petition).

Day 31 - Part 2 - Bad Habits.

Just to get it out there and clear and all, I don't really have THAT many bad habits. I am addicted to smileys, though. One in particular. You guess. ^^
Oh, and i have a new 'favourite word'. "Coolbeans". -.-'
It does sound cute, though. Right?

Day 31 - Part 1 - Floating in a state of love-drunk and an extacy of hapiness.

So, now I've finally admitted to myself that I like him, it went drasticly wrong. Or maybe right, if you look at it from the other side. I think that this day, I had... Well, MAYBE half an hour not thinking of him? Or is that too much already? I guess I'm just addicted to love. Quite too much, maybe.
Anyhow, I skipped the first few classes today by going to the doctor. Well, as it turns out, the blow on my head was just a hard blow, but nothing too serious. My feet, however, are getting worse. I'm probably allergic to my meds, so I'm off them now (which DOES make me very happy, swallowing two pills extra EVERY DAY was like hell), and I'm send to the skindoctor for examination, and a better view on the infection (because he/she's a nail-disease expert as well). Though it is weird, because I've got all these red bulbs on my feet, and allergic reactions are supposedto be all over my body. Well, we'll see about that later.
And just when I cycled back from dancing class, listening to Katy Perry's One Of The Boys, dancing with the top part of my body, hands off the bike, I felt like I was floating. Like I was too full and yet so empty. Like... Like I'm in love.
Because I am.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wi1fmFNW9jE&feature=fvst

Day 30 - Part 4 - Hey You.

Day 30 - Part 3 - Terrifying.

First I was afraid of your judgement, now I'm afraid of my own.





But I didn't quite realize I forgot to celebrate a month of blogging until now.

Day 30 - Part 2 - Telling the truth.

You're right Emi, the truth is the best. Though it can hurt. Both sides, I think.

Day 30 - Part 1 - I AM Perfect.

I guess serious issues are getting to me more often all the time. And they seem to hit me so much harder. But maybe that's because I close my eyes to unimportant stuff. I neglect stupid remarks, I lift my shoulders to haters, I ignore anyhing small, really. And somehow, I never seem to be prepared for a real big hit. Real pain. Or that is just because I haven't let myself feel anything at all for the past six years.
I just need to get clear that I don't want my children (when I get them), to EVER grow up like me. I do want them to have proper education. And good friends. And I do want them to learn important lessons in life, even if that means they have to hurt, but if ever I find out one of my future children gets bullied, there will be consequenses. BIG ones. Because I will never let this stuff happen to them. Over my dead body.
Anyways, I think I might have a brainquake. Like a eathquake in my brains. Darn, that girl has some power in her. I've been feeling dizzy, and sort of nauseous and I get this tiny annoying stab in my head when I move my head too fast. It's VERY irritating.
So, I just dropped off my little sister at her gymnastics class. It's raining like hell outside, and I'm soaked to the bone, but I don't care at all. I like it, really. The rains washes away the bittersweet taste of unshed tears on my face.


And to you all out there feeling bad, low, or brought down: Stay strong. You can get out alive.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ocDlOD1Hw9k
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oKsxPW6i3pM

Day 28 - Part 1 - Getting better all the time.

http://www.pacerteensagainstbullying.org/#/sign-the-petition
Sign this. It will make me so happy, you would never know.

I didn't want to write a lot today, so tomorrow, there'll be loads more. Just listen to this song for now. Tomorrow, I'll explain why it's so beautyful. For now, just close your eyes and feel.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DRJfO78kfHM&feature=related

Day 27 - Part 2 - Mail meh.

Yeah. So I guess I'm sort of lonely, and I just like mail. I did put my e-mail address up above, but you might not have seen it. So, just to clarify:
If you have anyquestions, remarks, or if you just want to talk to me, you can mail justluzzie@hotmail.com ^^

Day 27 - Part 1 - Headdaches and exam stress.

School. Gah. I hate school quite a lot. I was late for just about half a second, the teacher didn't even start yet when I came in, but before that I had to get a note. Can it even sound more childish? -.-' So now I have to wake up at 6.00 for the coming three days, just for being late half a second. How I can hate pointless rules, unbelievable.
Today we had boxing in gym class. I like it, that's not the point, but I do have some complications. Like my glasses. I did take them off in the end, because getting hot woth my glasses on means broken glasses and a face that hurts even more. The only problem is, I'm so freaking blind that I can't even see anything sharp that isn't within 10 cm of my face. I only knew who to hit by the colour of the shrt, and even then I was confused. And the gym seems SO much bigger. I really get dizzy if I take them off. So, fine, me and this other girl practise, and then we fight, and yay - sufficient. But this other girl, she had an insufficient, so I helped her out by boxing with her. I mean, that's just obvious to me. She needs help, and I can provide it. And I do so.
The only thing I wasn't prepared for was that she'd listen to me. Her problem was that she didn't attack, and if she did, she was afraid to hurt me. So I was all like "Nah, just hit me as hard as you can, don't wait for me to hit first, I'll let you know if you really did hurt me." And I took the blows. All of them, basicly. See, that's my problem. I'm too small. So small, that both the girls could keep me at half their armlength and I still can't reach them. So this secong girl wasn't prepard for me coming close enough to hit her too, and she just punched me full in the face.
And there came the automatic reaction. I mean, it didn't hurt, really, it was just momentarily and not THAT hard, I was just shocked a moment. But she hit me right in the eye, so I started crying and my voice got all thinck and stuff. And I'm like trying to smile through the tears, telling her it's allright, nothing's wrong, but I did need a break. And the teacher was all like "If you want to you can go to the bathroom, but be back in time." Dork.
And guess what? I still only got a sufficient. I used all the techniques they learned us, I've been present, I tried hard, I was sweating all the time, and usually too tired to go to class after gym. I took a voluentary second match, got the hardest blow in class, and was ready to continue as soon as I put some water on it. He's such a dork. Really.
Anyways, the rest of classes was quite the usual. Boring stuff, nothing to come in for, nothing to keep you from going, seeing the consequences. And then there was my history exam. Which was a personal hell. Quite literally. It's a full one and a half hour writing, writing and more writing. And finding out that your teacher decided to pretand it's not so much of a big deal, and that the exam is about 10 times harder than expected. and it's needing a sugerboost to stay awake and sharp, while I normally need a suger breakdown. It's terrible. And it's my life.

Day 26 - Part 5 - Sometimes I imagine.

Sometimes I imagine
My dreams coming true
All the luck and successes
And most importantly, you.

I like to believe
Dreams aren’t just dreams
That my love will be pure
And nothing is what it seems.

All the wishes within me
Made from happiness and pain
I know they won’t come true
Though hope will remain.

If you could see through me
To look for my strength
Look closely and you’ll see
My strength is in pain.

Even when I’m happy
Even if I smile or laugh
My thoughts still linger
On the pain from above.

And still I can see hope
Woven in with the pain of a day
Dreams of happiness form
The hurt is far away.

I close my eyes and all I see
Are images of love.

But no matter how much
I need you and I want you
My dreams are just dreams
And dreams don’t come true.

Please don't steal D:

Day 26 - Part 4 - Jimmy got me Jimmy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uyts5Qq_BYk&feature=relmfu

Day 26 - Part 3 - You'd say gross.

My favorite snack (when my parents aren't watching) is nutella ad peanutbutter in a mini-bowl. Just mix and you're ready to eat ^^
It's like peanuts with chocolate, only then more fluid. And it looks absolutely disgusting...

Day 26 - Part 2 - Movies and Unfairness.

The Experiment
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JlUkzfITiSs

That's what I watched yesterday. My entire family sort of got REALLY quiet, and I don't feel like eating anymore somewhere around 30 mintures in. It's a movie that really gets in your head. Terrible. But recommendable.
If you have either a weak stomache, a very compassionate feeling towards others (like me), or don't like people being broken down - mental or physical - I recomment you to definitely NOT watch it. It's the kind of movie you'd regret not having seen, but you wish you hadn't seen it. (Just like Hard Candy, btw, that one's not really something for a 'lets-go-watch-a-fun-movie' attitude either. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a-C2H4ipxz0 It's like, he's the boss, you feel bad for her, and then she's the boss, and you feel bad for him. The end, though, is horrifying. Just because it's SO freaking unexpected.)

And Dennis, yes, you ARE unfair. Even if you believe you're absolutely right, it's still unfair. My hair isn't always perfect. Nor am I the nicest person ever. But there's just no way of convincing you of something else...

Day 26 - Part 1 - Lucy meets world.

Hah. Counter-attack on you, Jimmy ^^
Guys, check out her blog. She's amazing ^^

http://lucymeetsworld.tumblr.com/

Day 25 - Part 3 - Mama,

we all go to hell.
Only a genius can think of those lyrics.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XAcj_armFos&feature=related

Oh, and these two <3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=byVA-YfNxds
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U4nXAx_av3o

Day 25 - Part 2 - Crazy ideas and more compliments.

Jimmy is now OFFICIALLY crazy. We have absolutely no life, the two of us, spending day and night at the computer, so we decided we needed a hobby. And guess what she said? Astronauts!
" Then we can go to the moon when we're bored :D"
Really girl, you convinced me now... -.-'
So I wondered if we don't need some kind of space ship for that, and her answer was: We build one! But there's money for material, so that's no option. Then we steal one! she says. And where? She doesn't know. We either need another hobby or some real good plans... I'd go for the second one.
Then. Compliments. Dennis is being sweet again ^^
D: hmm I think I have found the greatest invention ever made
L: I am inverntd?
D: Okay you are the greatest person who has ever been born
L: Butbutbut... That's you already D:
D: D: Oh no can't be
L: Why not?
D: because it is you
Well, that went on for some time, and eventually, I gave up. There's no way fighting him when he's convinced. Or when he's being this kind...
And then Adriana came in on gsm, telling me I'm doing interesting things. You guys are making my day perfect <3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QzlNFcT2aOE
Isn't that guy with the tatoos super, SUPER cute? :D
(Yesh, I still am an absolute girl... Point proven. -.-')

Day 25 - Part 1 - Compliments from the nicest guy ever.

you know my parents keeping me inside all day does have one advantage
I met you :)
you gave me hope and joy :)
and the bestest friend ever <3

Yup. I like Dennis ^^

Oh, and the rest of my day is cleaning my room and learning for my history exam... *dies*
Gah. Hell loads of work you guys, not gonna write much today, sorry D:

Day 24 - Part 1 - Jimmy's Awesome ^^

"Just gonna stand there and watch me roar, but that's alright, because I am a dinosaur."

Yep. She just made my day better ^^
I like random quotes. Hold that, I LOVE them. Absolutely. So, Jimmy, thank you ^^
Dennis and I are having a weird conversation again. I think we skipped through about 10 topic in like 5 minutes or something like that, didn't we?

Oh, and compare this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2FMtxACKlYM&ob=av3n

To this ^^
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2FMtxACKlYM&ob=av3n

I prefer Guy ^^

Day 23 - Part 2- Feeling better already.

It gives a whole lot of relief, letting go of my hatred. And the dentist told me my braces will only last maximum one more year. And I got new elastic bands. They hurt less ^^
Oh, and Emi, though it didn't help at all, thank you for the one-word talk. It does mean a lot to me.
DENNIS. Get online. You're not being nice, gone all day. So get over here, I wanna talk to you. Now, preferably.
On the way home, I thought of this little piece of tekst, and to be honest, I couldn't be pointing out my flaws any better.

She mutters "show-off" to herself, closes her eyes to the oportunities she most wanted and holds on way too tightly. She unwillingly decides to give up on her dreams. But in the end, she'll be the one to survive the blows, no matter how painful or deathly they are. She's been made tough.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gS9o1FAszdk&ob=av2n

Day 23 - Part 1 - Giving myself presents.

My mom was watching one of the last 2 Oprah show, and there was this piece about a woman getting an accident which killed her mother and best friend, and she forgave the driver killing them. and I was all like, why would she forgive the guy? He killed the two people closest to her. So my mom told me forgiveness is a present to yourself. If you can't forgive, not only will the hatred always be on the forefront of your mind, but you will also never be able to move on. Then I decided to try. And it works, admitting my forgiveness. But just to be clear, and to be over with it for once and for all:
I forgive you. For screwing up my life. For making me sick, scared of school, too hyper or too calm, for hating me and pretending to like me, for making me want to die, for making me feel worthless the past six years. I forgive you for bullying me, for turning all my classmates against me, for making me so angry I slam my lunchbox so hard on someone's head it breaks, for the lonely moments, the tears, the pain, all the insecurities. You make me tough. Too tough. But you did learn me to be careful with my trust. To not give up on my goals. You learned to kill emotions, and I learned myself to be open again and lat the tears out. You make me hard to love, and even harder to let go of once in my trust. You taught me to look angry, and to shut out others opinions. To seem oblivious to mean remarks, at keep a smile when I want to crawl into a corner and die. I forgive you for hurting me, for shaping me this way, for making me see the bad sides of things. You made me unique. You made me strong. You made me care. And in the end, you are the one who helped me the most, you made me exactly the person I am now. I will never forget what you did, but it's over now. I'm letting go of the hate, and let my mind fill itself with love. I forgive you.

Day 22 - Part 1 - Powerchick of the week.

I wish I could give myself that title, but unfortunately, I can't. I'm just stuck with the title of should-study-but-prefers-computer-and-stess-though-she-has-to-catch-up-on-a-whole-week-of-school-queen. No, I'd be giving that tile out to Emi, Jimmy and Melissa Etheridge. All three are amazing. Go love them ^^
And since I have to go down for dinner now, and I didn't do any homework, even though I have a Frensh and a Maths test for tomorrow, I'm going to leave you with a mash-up. Enjoy it. Love it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mghhLqu31cQ

Day 21 - Part 3 - Dennis just made my day.

No matter how long I've been searching, he just got me the song. THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUUUUUUUU

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mZlVaAMsoM8&feature=related

Day 21 - Part 2 - Playlist.

BIFFY CLYROOOOOO <3

Yep. That's for today. And then especially these ones:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RAtacHPAHLI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SxQmV0Sd6qo



But you guys should listen to the whole cd ^^

The Captain
That Golden Rule
Bubbles
God & Satan
Born On A Horse
Mountains
Shock Shock
Many Of Horror
Booooom. Blast And Ruin
Cloud Of Stink
Know Your Quarry
Whorses

Day 21 - Part 1 - Three weeks of time.

Wow. It's been three whole weeks of me blogging. I don't think I ever did something so constanty (which has no real consequenses, that is) this long. Progress on my side ^^
So, today has been long, boring and full of stress, though it has only just begun. At school, I had to do a presentation for history. I only strated on it yesterday (not very uusual, though this time was the first REAL late start with groupwork), but I guess it went jst fine. I was the only one that didn't need to read from paper. And an arts exam thingy. It's not a real exam, just an artshistory test, but I didn't really learn all too well, nor could I, because I was gone last week so I missed one topic. The teatcher did say he would keep that in mind, though.
But tonight will be way worse. First I've got to go to the doctor (I'm leaving in half an hour) to be examined and talk about my ADHD and meds and stuff, then piano classes, which I apparently skipped last time, so my teatcher's mad, since I only have lessons once every two weeks. Oh, and I didn't practise. At least, not as much as I should have. And then the rest of the evening is filled with shoving hot food down and racing to fashionclass, and then off to bed...
Yeah, so far, I'm doing absolutely great and amazing. -.-'

Day 20 - Part 1 - How words can bring you down and put you back up again.

EMI. Call me. I need serious help with the one-word issue.
So. Words can hurt. Bad, REALLY bad. Some people say "they're just words, hits hurt more", but I'd give both my legs to forget about all the pain words have caused me. I'd take all the blows, break all my bones, I'd rather be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life instead of going through all the pain again. Dennis proved that to me today. But hey, what to do when your bestest friend turns into your brother ^^

Day 19 - Part 1 - Coming Back: Illness and Parties.

So I've been off all week now, going out with Aleksandra and falling asleep in busses, but I'm back ^^

There's quite some many things I need to catch up on this week, but I'm not doing anything today. I'm just watching Taylor Swift's channel on youtube, pieces of The Ellen Degeneres Show and music videos. And listening to the most amazing songs I've heard in a while.
Things are getting better now. my brother comes back in the weekends, and he's staying at his friend's place. He's going to school just a little more often, but I guess there's improvement. I miss him a lot, though.
I've been sick-ish all week, snotty, a trashbin full of used tissues, plugged nose, pluged ears. Using 5 tissues a minute. But it's not all too bad. I mean, things COULD have been worse, of course.
And I had a party yesterday. Like, crazy. I was WAAAAAY too late, though that wasn't all too much of a problem. It was amazing fun.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aNzCDt2eidg&feature=autoplay&list=PLCF97F2FA637EF87C&lf=bf_play&playnext=2

PS, Oh and Emi, I need some help with the "one word" issue.

Day 14 - Part 1 - Bed time and apologies.

hey there everybody. I just want to say sorry for not writing all week. I guess I've just been very busy. I have an exchange student, she's from Poland, and we're doing all sorts of stuff. Like, painting fairytale backgrounds at school, talking, going out for dinner, and yesterday we went to this amazing themepark, the Efteling. It was awesome.
And I'm having a cold. like, the worsst one ever. I'm amazed I ever go on walking and doing tours and stuff. I'm all hot and sweaty, but I feel REALLY cold, or extremely warm. And, of course, plugged nose, plugged ears, and ichy eyes. And since my hands are frozen to the bone the moment I step outside, I've got no senses left. Yep, it's awesome. *not*
So, Aleksandra is taking a shower now, and I'll take one after her (I smell like a Chinese restaurant, we has dinner at school - Chinese - and my teacher make me and Aleksandra put the bag with leftovers into the garbage thing, but the bag leaked, to my leg's all sprayed with sauce and stuff), so I'll be off now.
I just wanted to tell you I'm still alive, and thank those of you who still tuned in daily to see if I went on yet. I love you guys.

Oh, and I feel happy again :D

Day 10 - Part 1 - Yesterday's memories.

So, I'm sitting here all red hands and ears from cycling home, sipping from my usual drink of applejuice, ready to type. Yesterday.
It started out all normal, allright. Just waking up to my annoying alarm-clock, getting ready for school, skipping most of my breakfast again, almost being too late, like always. And the topics didn't get any less boring...
But, school was over early, and I went pulling names for Saint Nicolas :D For those of you who don't know what it is, the story goes like this: There once was a man called St. Nicolas. He was a good man, and he used to give people presents. (Fact is: He did live, and he bacame a saint because one day he was riding on his horse, and he saw an old begger sitting in the freezing cold underneath a tree, so he took off his cape and sliced it in half, giving one half to the freezing man and keeping the other half himself.) And now, he's still giving presents to kids, and have to put their shoes at the fireplace and sing songs, and in the morning there'll be a present. What really happens is that only small kids believe in him and his old age, which should be over 300 by now, and parents put presents in for a month or so, until his birthday on December 5th, when there'll be a big stash of presents arriving in the evening.
So. I had a name. We'll be doing surprises with some friends, but there's this one girl I don't know. And geuss what? I pulled her name -.-'
Luckily I was first, so I could still change. I'm really exited, and I wonder who's got me :D
Back home again. I told myself to NOT go on the computer, for my own sake, but geuss where I ended up? Exactly. The computer.
It took me two hours and a lot of thinking to get up, but I went to the city non the less. Picking up the second row of antibiotic pills, and some present for my best friend (I would tell you what it is if she wouldn't read my blog as well), and, well, shoes. I decided I can make my own choises. So I did. And for once, my mom said ok.
Then I spent the rest of the day on the sofa, in front of the tv, watching MTV and the results of the EMAs. How I love having a big tv. And a wonderful sofa...

And my evening ended really peacefully. I was finishing my dinner, my dad was reading this girls magazine of my sister, my sister did an improvised dance-show and my mom watched her. I don't think I felt that happy all week.

Day 9 - Part 1 - Quick remark.

I ought to be in bed already, but I just wanted to say sorry for not writing today. I just was too tired and spend most of my time behind the tv...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLexgOxsZu0

Day 8 - Part 4 - Rubbing things in.

So, my mom just walked in. It was kind of akward. I made all tabs small for a moment. She was like, "Are you still mad at me?" And I was like, "Yeah, sure." So she was all sugar and coating saying she liked the heels, and she got I liked them to, but I need 'decent' shoes to go to school with, and that they're all platic, and it's a lot of money, and it would be ok for parties, and she doesn't say no all the time but to the same thing all over and blahblahblah. And I was just sitting there, pretending to listen, staring blankly at my screen, afraid of using my voice for it would've broken. She just went on and on until she saw I wasn't reacting, and then the sugar-and-coating was back on all over again, and she was like "Can't we find you something that you like and I approve of as well?" and patting my head and stuff. So I just kept on staring straight forward, for I didn't want to blink and let her see the tears dropping from my eyes. Then she got all defensive and in her "Well, if you don't want to talk about it, I can't help you."-mode. I shaked my shoulders, and she walked out, and the moment I knew she couldn't see nor hear me anymore, I let go of a pained, broken sob.
No, I'm FAR from ready to forgive you, let alone talk to you, mom. And it's not the shoes, really. It's her not letting me make my own decisions, my own mistakes. I think she's just scared I'll follow my brother. And she's a very loving and sweet mom, don't get me wrong, she just doesn't seem to see it hurts me SO bad when she doesn't dare to let me go. Or she choses to close her eyes to her own mistakes, her own faults.
It's like all she only ever sees are mine.

Day 8 - Part 3 - Eating habits.

Food of today:
Half of my breakfast (so, half a cracker).
A peppermint.
A gumball.
A chocolate chip cookie.
Three sips of water.

It's 18.20 now. And I'm not even hungry.

Day 8 - Part 2 - Playlist.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pojL_35QlSI
(And my Goodbye Song. <3)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H3b1AQFsPcc

Day 8 - Part 1 - Wishing for freedom.

I know it's stupid to fight, or ever cry about it, but I REALLY wanted those heels, ok? And it's not like they're 15-inch-high plateau stiletto's or something. Why can't she just give me the freedom to buy clothes I like as well? And not just the ones that get approved of. No matter how hard I try, the heels will always be too high, the skirts too short and the shirts too daring. You shouldn't give me the freedom to buy my own clothes if you make me bring back EVERYTHING, mom. I'm 14, for crying out loud! I should be able to make mt own choises. Don't pretend I'm 10. Go rule my sister's wadrobe or something.
I'm not in the mmod for talking. To anyone. Not even to dennis. Until he started talking to me and made me unable to close the tab. So, yeah, I just wanna go crawl in a corner and die or something.

Day 7 - Part 2 - Playlist.

Nothing ever lasts. <3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MJ1AGpL3Zx8&feature=related

Day 7 - Part 1 - Miracles and hands.

I needed a miracle today. In many ways. But mostly because I had a French test I hadn't learned for. At all. So yesterday, when I went to bed, I actually hoped I would be ill. Since I'm hardly ever ill and I hadn't taken my antibiotics yet, I wasn't. Yay.
So, on to the next hope. History. Everyone was telling me it would be cancelled, so I got all my hope worked up to that one extra hour. Of course, it didn't. As usual. Miracles don't show when I want them to. Or actually, they do, but by the time I realize it was the miracle I've been waiting for, the chance to make it work is over.
Break time. Exacly 30 minutes of getting to the library, instaling myself, learn everything, get to class and be ready. Hell. But I think I made it well. There were really only a thing or two I didn't know.
Arts <3 I absolutely LOVE arts. It takes my mind of things, it means laughing and drawing and being cute and artistic. And for today, it meant making half a heart out of my hand and try to draw it about 20 times bigger. I've got a friend doing the other half, since she's right-handed and I'm left-handed. It looks cute, though all the lines and folds and proportions of my hand seem silly and weird, because it's so darn big.
It was really fun, though. All jokes and stories and music. I'm so freaking small, and the table was up straight, so I was standing on a chair about 90% of the time. If not more. And my friend, well, she was just a little less than a head smaller than me, standing on that chair. Stupid hormones that should make me grow. Why did you stop working? D:
All that was left was a break, a free period and English. But since most of the class has that free period, my teacher cancelled it. I did stay all break, though, eating candy and talking and listening and occasionally laughing. Then I cycled to the city, nozing through shoshops to find latin dancing shoes. Couldn't find them, but I have seen the most amazing heels/short boorts EVER. If only they weren't so freaking expensive...
Oh, and Dennis, GET YOUR *SS ONLINE BEFORE I GO SMASH THINGS INTO WALLS. Please? I need you.

Day 6 - Part 3 - Tricks to smile.

Yep. Romeo and juliet worked. The kissing scenes, at least. oh gosh, I feel like such a girl when I say that. I wached back all the kisses and moments of them together, but skipped the rest. And finishing my moodboard worked pretty good too. I'm not on the edge anymore. I'm just a few inches away. But things are getting better.
I hope.

These violent delights have violent ends.
And in their triumph die, like fire and powder,
which, as they kiss, consume. <3
(Shakespeare, from Romeo and Juliet)

Day 6 - Part 2 - Discussions with my friend.

Me: You know, yesterday 34 people tuned in to read my pathetic thoughts.
Dennis: they are not pathetic
Me: They are. Mostly.
Dennis: no
Me: Today only seven, but that's obvious, I just wrote the first post.
Me: They are.
Dennis: no!
Me: yes.
Dennis: They aren't! You are a very cool girl and your thoughts are anything but pathetic.! You have the courage to tell us your thoughts, to share with us your deepest feelings, your joy, your sorrow, that is not pathetic!
Me: I believe that's exactly what make things pathetic. telling everything to strangers. but I never ment it in a negative way ;)
Dennis: oh

How not to like him? You tell me ;)

Day 6 - Part 1 - Emptiness.

I don't really feel like writing anything, I must admit. I don't feel like doing anything at all anyways. My mind's blank, I can't focus on homework, even though I have a French test tomorrow, which I haven't studied yet. Get all there's left to do is cry, but tears won't come.
Dennis is quite too sad to make me happy. It'll be allright, you'll find a solution. Just try to smile, for you and me the same.

Gonna watch Romeo and Juliet now, it's extreamly on my table and waiting for me to get it and put it in. So that's what I'm gonna do. At least it fits my mood. Sort of.

Day 5 - Part 6 - Sundown.

It's not really literally sundown, the sun has been gone for quite some hours already, but it feels like it. He's going now, I just said my goodbyes. It's an hour later than I thought it would be, but I'm glad it took longer. I just gave him the present. Hugged him goodbye. I miss him. I love him.

Day 5 - Part 5 - One hour to sundown.

I finished the letter. And pt the present together. I'm getting sadder every minute. It all comes toghter now. Can't concentrate on my homework. My mom'd kill me if she'd see me here.
Gotta prepare for goodbye.

Day 5 - Part 4 - Playlist. Two hours to sundown.

The beauty of gray - Live
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p5WIexiYeQg

Shot of a gun - KANE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T7Xb69oyKk0

Do you feel - The Rocket Summer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mrP9SrMJ00c&ob=av2e


Two more hours. I just started the letter, but my words don't seem to come. I'm getting more scared all the time. I can only say I'm lucky to have Dennis comforting me with his words. Thank you <3

Day 5 - Part 3 - A piece of the Moon.

Last Friday, when I heard he was leaving, the moon looked so sad, I wished there was a way to rember it forever. And there is. Writing it down.

The moon's shattered tonight. Hidden behind the thinnest of clouds, sorrow on her face. Tears of light are flung, shot across the sky. Half of the moon is crying, and so am I. In my head are the words of a hurtful, final goodbye.

Day 5 - Part 2 - Being afraid.

I'm scared of writing a letter to my brother. It just feels so final. No way to turn it all back again. And I don't even know where to start explaining him how much I love him, and miss him, and how I hope he'll be alright.

Day 5 - Part 1 - Hell and my tears. Three hours to sundown.

Yes. The counting has begun.
So, I'm all crap and sad and touchy today. Not only did I have some hughnormous lack of sleep (I went to bed at 4.45 am, reading and talking to my friend), but a more important scene is on the way. The saying of goodbyes. I'll tell you all about it.
The sky fits my mood today. All covered up in a big grey nothingness, yet rain is unable to fall.
My brother is going. He's being kicked out. Gone. Left all to himself, no job, just him and his stuff. Nothing is arranged. The shrink said that was the best. I hope he found some place to go, though I'm afraid not so. I'm scared to death of what might happen to him. My mom said this would be a good thing, that he had to fall hard to get back up again, but I'm just so scared of the fall. I mean, it IS his live, but he's my brother. And even though he usually is so freaking annoying, I love him with all my heart. If I could have just one wish, I'd wish that he didn't have to move out. Or just that everything will turn out fine, and he will have a good future.
Some time ago, just about a year I think, I made myself a promise. I promised myself to take care of him, no matter what. That I'd send him money if he need it, that I'll give him a home if he ever has none. But I don't know how to if I don't know where to find him.
I'd better start writing him a letter. I brought him a present, two bag of candy, a notepad and two pens. I added an envelope with some personal stuff, and a small couple of bottles, filled with shampoo and bodylotion, taken from a hotel somewhere. I just fervently hope He'll be allright.
And I gave him a piece of the moon.

Day 2/3 - A Special for AngelicHeart and Dennis.

AngelicHeart:


So, she's just a girl on this site called gosupermodel.com. It sounds REALLY childish, I know, but I actually spend my time on there a lot. Just talking to people and helping and asking fr advise about whatever my brother did or happened in school or something. And I posted JustLuzzie on there. To be honest (and I KNOW I use that expression a lot), I never knew her, until she had this sweetest remark ever on my blog. So I like her, love her, and I'm making her a special corner to tell her I appreciate what she did and I love her for doing so. So, sweetie, here you are.





Dennis:


Well, Dennis is a totally different case. The explanation of me getting to know him is kind of long and will follow later, but I needed to tell him the specifics, so here they come:
Walking. Lifting with cars is allowed, but no taking cars along. Sleeping will be done eighter in youthhostels, on campsites or just at any random place. Or we can go couchhopping ;) Low-buget rules. Big companies sponsoring for food, sleepingplaces, planetickets back (one year of walking is enough to me), or just our Charity Goal. We'll need a website, and a name, and a film camera and just two normal camera's, and a computer with internet connection. Blogging the journey anyways ;) Oh, and there should be a "Donate" button on the site, so any random person can donate as well. When it's all over, we'll have a big gala with us giving ALL the moneys to our Charity Goal.
AND I still have to ask my parents if I'm allowed, and if I'm allowed to walk with you, and we should meet ;) Of course, I've still got to do all the calculations, and the planning, but I've got just over 2 years for that ;)
I never mentioned any time or place or name, so people won't steal the idea... Obvious. If anyone still wonders about it, feel free to leave a reaction ;)

Day 2 - Part 2 - Playlist

Actually I've been listening to this one song all week long. Fair warning: The sound is very soft and it's not too happy - but not all too sad, either.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mrP9SrMJ00c&ob=av2e

Day 2 - Part 1 - Memorytraining.

So. I wondered about it often, how someone can remember everything that happened in a day, without writing stuff down in between. Now I'm finally starting to get how in the world someone can do it.
*note to self: get some kind of notebook, that'll make things easier*

Here we go: Waking up is always hard to me, especially if I just let the alarmclock on and stay in bed for a few more minutes. Like this morning. 15 minutes late. It doesn't seem like a lot, but to me, it is. Becuase, for some reason, I can't be fast. I just can't hurry up. It frustrates me so often, yet I'm not able to change it.
Getting dressed is always my first step. Or, actualy, first going to the toilet and taking my meds, then get dressed. So I'm all packed up and wintry, and my mom tells me it'll be nice weather. Other shirt, other socks. Packing my backpack. I KNOW it's not right to leave books at home on purpose, but I didn't do my homework, nor the extra work for not doing it last time, so I left everything at home and told the teacher I forgot everything at home. I picked up a magazine and started reading, stupidstupid, but I guess I'm blaming the part of me that gets easily distracted for that.
Making breakfast, kissing my sister goodbye, yelling goodbyes to my mom upstairs, and leaving just 5 minutes too late... As always. So I'm racing to school. As always.
In time. On the edge, though, but in time. SPU. I had to had in a paper, some pictures and another paper. A week or longer ago. And I didn't. Luckily, we had a presentation, so the taecher didn't ask me anything. Yet. But I'm afraid what happens if he finds out I didn't do it. I think he will. And now I've got 2 ones on my list. And I don't know how to make it right again.
Yes, my day started awesome. *not*
Math's up next. Which was sort of ok. For math, that is. I always fall asleep in math class, because I can't work on, and I get the explanation in one, while the teacher explains like 3 times. So I got stuck on making sudoku's on my phone. My old, crappy, annoying phone which keeps me entertained during school time. I love that weird thing.
French was no difference. I lied about my books, got my phone out, looked in my friends book every now and then so I looked like I paid attention, played some other sudoku's and listened to all the test-checking crap. I got a 4.9. But I'm still sufficient.
Then there was the break. My sweet, lovely, much needed breaks. I absolutely LOVE them. Not like I eat or do anything, but just not being in class is good enough to me. A friend got me a Oreo cookie. Yummy :D
English. The most boring of all boredomnesses. No offense, I love the subject and our teacher is quite nice, but he just can't fill the lessons. Or keep any order, for that matter. And, really, his voice gets me on the edge of sleep all the time. More test-checking. More sudoku's. Off early, anyways, he skipped tutor class. Not like we ever do anything in there. Still, I was tired. And I was sick of school.
But I didn't go home. I went to a friend of mine. Yes, he's my friend. Even though he's 44. He's got the cutest daughter EVER, and his wife is very sweet. And pregnant again ;)
To be honest, we talked about sex. Not about how it is or what you're supposed to do, but about why people handle it like a forbidden thing. Teach those kids, damn it! Learn them how to prevent pregnancy. Tell them it's just normal, and learn them about condoms and concequences. It is a freaking normal thing. Everyone does it, did it, or will do it. So why pretend it's something sacred, scary, or even wrong? Gah, I can get SO mad at those kind of people.
And the pictures. There's always the pictures. I like it. My friend, he's an amature photographer, but he's pretty good. He's got boxes full of clothes he wants to put on people to make pics. Today, however, he had some things that look best without underwear. I don't mind, really, and I can always refuse, of course, but I liked to this time. It was... well, odd, to just put it out there. Nothing pervy, really, but it just felt weird to me. Must be because I've never done that before. But I must admit, he's right. I did look better without underwear. And really, they're all clean pictures. Nothing to see.
Going home after that. And not doing my homework, like I should. I just can't get myself to do it. I just simply CAN'T. And I hate that. Even with my meds, I can't just "decide" to do my homework. More stress later. More stress tomorrow. Insufficients. I know the consequences. If only I could make myself feel them.

Day 1 - Part 2

Dinner at my place:

Me getting down early, my dad always calls out the wrong time.
My mom on her computer.
My brother coming downstairs, followed by my little sister, who's squirming and yelling at my brother for taking her things and not leaving her alone.
Everyone to the livingroom, because dinner isn't ready yet.
My dad angry for us not sitting around the table at the EXACT moment he puts the pans down.
My mom being angry at my brother for doing whatever is it he did. (There's always something wrong, I'll explain that later.)
My sister playing with toys.
My dad angry at my sister for not eating.
My brother got fired today.
Everyone laughs at something my sister says (apart from me, I don't think it was funny).
No-one laughs at something I say, which actually WAS funny. I'm only being laughed AT. So I just go on eating my dinner, keeping my mouth shut and pretending to not care. My mom tells my sister something about history, in a very childish way. (Obvious, she's only eight, but I get very annoyed.) My dad tells me to clean up the kitchen. My mom tells me to make tea. My sister goes singing or playing with her toys. My brother run off, upstairs, to do as few as he can possible manage. And I'm left with a workload of half an hour, a pissed off pair of parents, a nagging sister and a brother I never see. Oh, great days.

Yeah, most is usual. Only one or two things don't happen daily. I'm finally geting used to it. After three years. Oh joy.

Day 1

Hello everybody!

My name's Luzzie, and to be honest, I'm just a little 14-year-old girl. I haven't always had the best time in my life, or actually, my life kind of sucks. So I decided to get myself back up.
I'm quite smart, no bragging, I'm creative and generally nice, and the few friends I have, are the best friends anyone could've asked for. But I haven't had the best times growing up. I've been bullied, hurt, and I wanted to kill myself for just over 3 years. I don't like to dwell on the past, but to move on, I've got to look back and be completely honest. So I will be. Not only to myself, but also to you, whoever you are, reading my blog.
I'm getting there, allright. It's getting better. But I wouldn't say my live's back on track. Not even close. I have got better days, allright, but the bad days are very frequent. Too often, if you ask me. I still am scared of going to school, still afraid of opening up to whoever I want to trust. And I don't want to be anymore.
So I choose to tell you about me, my life, and all persons within it. I'll tell you my secrets, my dreams, my hopes. I'll tell you everything you might or might not want to hear. Why? Because I fail at diaries and I just need someone to talk, to nag to. Even if they don't answer. I just need to let it all out.

With love,
Luzzie.