Day 353 - Part 1 - Happy Birthday Emi!

Yes. You're old now. ;)

Anyways, I love holidays. I screwed up with the wallpaper so I'm figuing out new ways to make a suit, I've been buying presents for my double birthday party this Friday (Maaike and Barbara's), the papaer dress is going somewhere, I've got some genius ideas but I need bottles and cans, I'm going surfing with this really nice girl on Saturday, I've got an outfit for the Halloween party, I did a bit of homework, I've been babysitting, and I have time left to read and watch Gossip Girl online (watch out, fair warning: new addiction).
I'm also very, VERY snotty. I've got a roll of toilet paper next to me at all times since a day, because I sneeze SO much it's useless to keep running up and down to the bathroom.
I think I'm finally figuring stuff out. I've been wearing a lot of skirts lately, another thing I found out I really love, I FINALLY know make-up (not that I do wear it now that I know how to, but at least I can go to a party without looking like a 9-year-old with a set of facepaint). I'm writing a lot, too, and people actually read it! :D
And I've decided to find a boyfriend by the end of the year. Which sounds totally stupid, but I do like someone and he know who I am (for a change), so I'm planning on going for it now. Cross my fingers, wish me luck.

Day 352 - Part 1 - Dear World

I haven't been updating lately, I know, and I can be making up excuses but the truth is, I don't really need to update anymore, like I felt I used to. That's a great thing for me, but I hear people telling me to go update a lot. Sorry guys ;)
Anyways, I've got holidays now. Wonderful, wonderful free time. I'm making an outfit out of wallpaper, which is awesome, but I've got a lot to do these days. I have to make tons of homework and work on clothing and such, and it feels like even though I have no school, my head is exploding with stress. And I was hoping to loose that feeling this week. :/
Luckily, there is time for fun. I've got two parties coming up, a double birthday and a halloween party, I'm finally going to surf again on Saturday and I'm playing tons of piano.

Day 357 - Part 1 - Oops.

SO I haven't written in quite a while, I know. I haven't really been online much at all. Ever since going to Scotland (which was GREAT, but I'll tell you later) I haven't really felt the need to go online.
Not that my social life got any better. I still don't really hang out with people and such, but I have been making progress in my work. I've been getting a lot of homework done, my clothing is actually getting somewhere (now that I have some great ideas) and even though my room is a mess, I'm feeling much more at home.
I've been reading and writing and going to art academy and a million other things and it's really great.
And today I don't have school because some people had exams (I got up early, went to school, then learned that I could've stayed home and in bed) but then I can REALLY start on my clothing. I love it. :3

As for Scotland: it was AMAZING.
We went there by boat, nightboat, so we've slept on it. I've nearly been blown off but it was really great. Then we went to some ruins, met our host families, and the next day we went walking in the highlands. It's so pretty! Of course people slipped and such, but in the end everyone had a great day. After that we had a day with loads and loads of free time. I went shopping, bought a skirt (or kilt, idk) and a bag for my sister and some more stuff. I had hot chocolate with mini marshmellows in them (MINIMARSHMELLOWS!) and we had dinner at this fancy Chinese restaurant. Then there was a ghostwalk, somewhere in a vault underground. I can't stand ghoststories. Not like that, al least. I can't stand those movies, book scare me enough, but this was, like, real-live. I just stood there and at some point I started shaking and crying, and luckily I could get out after like 5 mins, and a friend of mine tagged along and we just talked about other things to distract me, which I'm very grateful for. We had a museum day and a tour and Scottish dancing and a visit to some old church, and it was so amazing. I made some new friends as well. On the way back from the boat we had two birthdays, one in the Thursday and one on Friday, and we had this great party and we all brought food and drinks and we went outside, to the top deck, and there was music and people and it was so cool.

Day 341 - Part 1 - What I forgot to tell you.

I am happy. Really, truly happy. Even though I have my bad moments where I think I might lose myself, I'm really happy. I've been cycling around with a huge grin on my face for weeks now, and sometimes I look like I've lost my mind, but that's alright. I don't really know why I'm happy, though. Not that I'm complaining. ;) I guess things are just looking up, and I'm glad I'm feeling happy. I still think it's difficult to let people in, but it's getting easier. And now I have to go, I'm going off the Scotland for a week and my bags aren't fully packed yet. Seeyou guys in a week :D

Day 337 - Part 1 - Like whoa.

It's been ages since I've written last. I could say that's because I'm busy or because I don't want to or because my days are a boring routine of the same things anyways (which they are), but the truth is that I don't really need it anymore. Blogging is still a way to express me, and I think I will keep doing it, especially because I'm so close to a year, but I've learned to handle myself. I've come so far since I started blogging. I want to go all gooey "look at me being shrink and getting somewhere", but I'll save that for the actual year mark. Plus I'm not in a gooey mood. I'm actually crying. The thing is, I'm mouch more daring. I open up, I let people in, I trust. But I still don't dare to fall in love unless I'm sure the love will be returned. And I hate that. I'm still scared, so scared, of getting hurt, that even though my mind tells me I like someone, I tell myself it's a lie, that I don't, that I just pretend to. And I just know that I will not let myself fall unless I'm sure there will be someone to catch me. I've got serious problems, and I jus can't handle it anymore. I can't handle being afraid of liking someone, and I can't handle the way I automatically tell myself I don't like him, and not be able to stop it. I'm afraid that one day, I can't handle myself anymore, that my mind will take over my actions and not let me decide, if you get what I mean. I'm afraid that after all I've been through, after losing everything around me but staying myself, I will lose myself while everyone around me stays the same. And that is what gets to me most;

Day 328 - Part 1 - Please let me smile

Ugh, I hate it when my mood changes like this. Just two hours ago I was really happy, and now all I can do is cry.
Which sucks.
You know, I just realized, I can't remember the last time I woke up feeling beautiful. I've been so busy ith so many things that it's been so long since I've had the time to be happy with myself. It's too long ago.
And it's starting to break me down.

I kinda want to jump off a roof but not quite yet.

And I don't think I ever will.

Day 327 - Part 3 - Yay, tears!

Well I guess it's all becoming a little too much for me. The homework, the art academy, the collection if clothes, the grades I want to keep high, the mental stress and the figuring things out.
I think it is though. Because I'm crying.
The last time I cried must have been months ago, if I don't count the automatic tearattack I get when I talk about the bullying and stuff.
I'm just overloaded. Mentally as well as physically.

I'm sorry for people talking to me, I'm no kind of nice and cozy today.

Day 327 - Part 2 - Sidestepping

So, apart from me ranting over a million things, there are other - happier - parts. Or at least sort of happier.
http://www.wattpad.com/story/2054222-this-could-be-the-story-of-a-hero
^read that. I've been working on it for quite some time now, it's really fun to write. And it helps me find all these great new artists because I try to find a fitting song with each chapter so I go all over youtube and listen to stuff.

I think I might be falling in love. Maybe a little. I don't know, it's confusing and probably really messed up and hopeless, so I'm trying not to fall in love. I don't like getting hurt, which is why I don't really let people in. I hope that can change though. For now, I just need to figure out wether I'm in love or not.
Probably not though. I would know if I am, wouldn't I?

Day 327 - Part 1 - The living stress machine

A conversation between my mom and I just now:
Mom: "You going?"
Me: "Yep."
"Want another piece of chocolate?"
"Nope."
"Are you mad?"
"Yep."

She should be alarmed IN THE LEAST. I can tell you, there's something really wrong if I decline the offer of chocolate.
The thing is, I was washing the dishes and she was drying and all she did was nag and nag and nag that pan weren't clean and I was way to slow, and at some point I was like "Well all you do is nag!" and she was like "I'm only trying to help you, but I guess you don't want help". Which, in itself, isn't that bad, because my mom can be really childish at times, but she's forcing me to go visit some sort of great-aunt or something tomorrow and she knows I hate it because I have absolutely no connection with that woman at all and there's just too much homework for me to not stay home, so I already was mad at my mom. Add to that the lack of sleep I've had, the frustration about trains not driving and me being late everywhere, the stress at school and the lack of sugar and you get a very easily set off very, very angry Luzz.
Yay. -.-'

It's not like I enjoy being mad at people. I know why I'm mad and I know what's wrong, I just can't seem to change any of it. I just can't stop being mad and frustrated and annoyed and tired and sad and what else.
UGH, I'm like a living stress machine.

Day 322 - Part 1 - Writing.

Whoa. I just realized I haven't updated in ages.
As for my physical contition: things are better. I'm still stressed and pretty dead, but I'm holding up alright. Homework's getting easier to deal with, too.
My days are pretty much a constant blur of school, trying to get enough sleep, waking up early, school, homework, more school and a little writing.
Wattpad's amazing. (wattpad.com, I'm Luzzie) I've been updating my story on there, and it's really awesome to have people read it and comment and read other stories and chat and such. I love it.
I've been trying to sneak some fashion into the mix but it's not easy keeping it up. At least I have a director who'll arrange the meet-ups and stuff, and most of my models. I just need to get the dresses working out, that's all.
And I LOVE art academy, it's amazingamazingamazing. More about that later, my parents'd kill me if they knew I'm still up. ;)

Day 315 - Part 1 - Feeling like crap

School started out pretty okay, really. I mean, lots of homework and long days, but I was motivated. Now I'm a week in and I feel like I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown.
It's just too much. I have to be at school from 8 till 4, then homework till 6, mostly even later. I've had about 2 hours time for myself in the past week, and believe me, that's not a lot.
And I feel really ill. I mean, I probably should've stayed home today, but I can't really afford missing one day of school. I'm so tired, even though I sleep enough, I've got huge bags under my eyes and my eyes have that gazing stare in them I get when things are too much. I can't feel. When things become too much for me, I just shut down. Everything's gone. It's like when I've got too much to do, my mind turns off and I could be dead if not for the fact that my body still functions. It's pretty creepy, really.
Anyways, I guess writing really helps. I'm on Wattpad, which is some amazing site to share stories and read other people's stories, and it takes my mind of things. I think that's a good thing, right?

Day 310 - Part 1 - Lady cum laude

I'm turning into a woman. And I'm not just saying that because I'm a teenager or because my body changes, I notice it in the smallest things. For example, my sister had a friend over, and when she was being picked up, her brother walked around with some candy. My sister's friend demanded he'd share, and when I was younger I would just yell at that girl and tell her not to command her brother. Now I'm just like 'oh, she'll learn' and tell the boy to keep everything to himself, which, honestly, I think is pretty adult. Especially because I used to be the childish person alive.
My god that's all bragging, but what I really mean is that I grew more patient, and I just claim it's me growing up, because I love to be seen as more of an adult than a kid.
School is actually fun. I can't wait for the first test because I just want to show myself I can get high grades and still have fun. See, the thing is, I know I can get those grades. I am smart, and I know that, but I never do a thing. The last three years I barely passed and I kept getting insufficients.
Well meet the new me. I plan on getting no insufficients at all this year, preferably nothing under a 6 (on a scale of 1 to 10). I'm hoping next year I can pass my exams cum laude, that's like my ultimate goal. (I believe it's called Latin honors in English.) That basicly means all I'm allowed to get are 8's or higher. Of course I could try going for summa cum laude, which is only 9's or higher, but then I'd really have no social live left. It would be really awesome though.
And for the first time I know I can make it. Of course I've know I'm smart ever since I skipped a year in school, but I never really believed that it could be fun as well.
You know, getting high grades is like getting presents, only that happy feeling lasts longer.

Day 308 - Part 1 - Back to school.

School's started.
Ugh.
It's not like I don't look forward to it, I do, I really do, but on the other side, it's school. Homework, long days, being bored and tired, shoved away in the halls and late for class. Yep, great.
On the bright side, there's friends, having something to do, looking forward to weekends, art academy and, well, learning.
I'm not really a nerd in the "school-is-so-great" or the "lets-dress-like-a-fool" kind of way, but believe me, I'm a nerd in every other way.
Except I don't make homework and I'm always late.
What I mean is, I love learning. I love being able to look at some problem and thinking "hey, I can solve this, I've learned how that works!" I love being the smart kid, though I don't always show that.
I also had a summer-time spring clean-up. You can actually see the floor of my room, which is totally great.
And I have a piano in my room. A digital one, but still, I get to play whenever I want, even when people are sleeping. And write songs.
I finished my first one, I just have one or two chords I'm not sure of, but I have no idea how I can fix that. I'm working on my second song now, and it's GREAT. Really amazing to hear my words come to live. Two more songs are in the make, but they're still in my head, not written out.
Anyway, I've got a great year ahead of me. Just hoping I'll stay positive, that everything will be fine.

Day 304 - Part 1 - At least it's colourful.

So I got my schedule today, and it absolutely SUCKS. But that's okay, I coloured it nice enough to make me look forward to more than a week of school.
I'm ready. Not only in the sense of having my books (21, and that's just coursebooks, oh hell D:), also mentally. I'm finally ready to be me. Which hasn't been the case for as long as I remember.
Tomorrow is Anita's party, in the weekends I might get a job as video journalist for this festival, and school seems like a good idea to me now. I'm going to start art academy in just over a week, and I'm ready for everything.
Yep, things are looking great right now.  :D

Day 301 - Part 2 - Tearjerker

I've watched Degrassi with Anita all day yesterday and today I'm watching the rest of the season, and I know it's all extremly magnified but I'm crying anyways. I'm terrible at keeping it dry.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3y4V3AOzbyo

Day 301 - Part 1 - Campfires on a beach made of stones.

So it's burning hot outside and inside isn't much better. I'm dressed in the shortest clothes I could find and still I'm steaming away. I have cute curls though. I never knew my hair could be this curly.
Anyways, my glass is filled with icecubes and it's freezing my teeth off so that's fantastic. ^^
Holidays. I know I've taken ages and left you guys waiting for ages, but I honestly either didn't have a laptop/computer or couldn't be bothered. I'm terrible, I know.
So I went to France for 3 weeks, driving with the caravan, and it was AMAZING. Let me tell you all about it.
After driving the whole day, I got sick. As in puking sick. I can't even remember puking before that. I must have been like six, and even that I'm not sure about. I'm not the puking type.
Anyways, I probably had some sort of flu like my sister had the week before. It kept me up all night and the day after that, making me puke while there was nothing left in my stomach. (That's it for the gross part, sorry guys.)
The next day two girls came over to ask if we had a spare tent. I hadn't really slept in mine yet (I sleep outside the caravan in a little tent) but I was planning on sleeping there that night and we didn't have another one with us. So I said no and the girls went away and then I thought I could just as well let them have the tent for the night. They came by again and took the tent and all happy and stuff. It helped a lot that my parents wouldn't be pushing me to find friends all summer long.
The next day one of the girls came by with her boyfriend and a group of other kids and an icecream for me, and that's basically how I got invited to a campfire and got to know the kids on the campsite. Never knew I was that social. ;)


We had campfires almost every night. The campsite kinda included a beach, and it was all pretty small but reallt great. The spot I was on was about 2 metres away from the beach, so we could just grab a surfboard and jump into the water.
Thursdays there was this cute market in a nearby town, which was really an amazing thing and the market kind of flowed from the main square into town where it covered the next two blocks. I got all this amazing stuff, all kinds of shirts and two pairs of jeans and candy and very cute earrings and more of that stuff.
Also, there was this supermarket with an art supplies store. AN ART SUPPLIES STORE. I could've gotten lost in there if my parents wouldn't have dragged me out time and again. I got an awesome charcoal set, brush pens, beautiful pencils and some tiny erasers. I loved that.
Most of my days were just a blur of windsurfing, talking to people, laughing a lot, going to campfires and sleeping in. In the end, I slept in the caravan for most of the time. My tent was cold and lonely, I didn't really like it.
There's just some days that really jump out. When I teached some boys to surf, for instance. One of them took about half an hour before he could stand up with the sail in his hand and not fall down. The other one surfed away by himself within 15 minutes. It was awesome, because I felt like achieving something other than surfing up and down the beach all by myself.
Also there was the day I got a stone on my head. I actually regret not taking a picture afterwards, I looked like I walked straight out of a horror movie, with streams of dried blood on my face and a bandage on my head.
We were sitting around a campfire and throwing stoned into the fire and someone threw one on my head by accident. I'm glad I had my hoodie on, because who knows how bad it would've been if I didn't. :/
Anyways, I started bleeding like crazy, because that's what happens when there's a headwound. It wasn't really scary, just that I was afraid what would happen if I couldn't stop bleeding. Then one of the girls put her sweatshirt on my head and I felt so guilty because I was getting it full of bloodstains but she was really sweet and insisted on me keeping it on my head. Two guys ran off to find someone with a first-aid kit and withing 10 minutes I was all patched up and dry. Except that there was blood all over me.
So we walked to the bathroom stall with all 8 orso people. That actually was the scariest part of all, because my hand - which was slung around someone's shoulder because I couldn't really stand or walk by myself - was sleeping by the time we were halfway there. It was a 2 minutes walk. By that time I mentally freaked out. I already freaked out physically by crying and screaming at everyone to get help, but by that time I was so scared by the loss of blood I didn't really care about anything else anymore. I couldn't stand up for more than 3 minutes, by myself or with help. I was scared of being so weak really. I must've lost at least 2 litres of blood, maybe more.
I was made to repeat my full name and my birth date and the date of that day over and over again to make sure my brains were all okay. After we washed most of the blood from my face I went to the caravan and to bed, waking up every 2 hours on advice if the girls because if I would've had braindamage I could die.
It was one of those moments where I realized how easy it is to die, and how close I was to dying. Afterwards, it was absolutely terrifying, but at the time it didn't seem all that bad.

All in all, the summer was exactly everything I wanted. I was fixed on getting a boyfriend before going but the moment I arrived I realized it wasn't all that important to have a summer romance, just that I had fun. And I did. I had so much fun, I think I can last another year. ;)
And I got a penfriend out of it. Which is just as great as a summer boyfriend. Or better, because I get to keep her as my friend.

Day 298 - Part 2 - Blueberry (2)

So this is my new hair. :3
Oh, and that little red line on my hair, that's my scar. Or soon-to-be-scar.

Day 298 -Part 1 - Blueberry ftw.

So I just dyed my hair purple, waiting for it to dry out so I can really see the result (and yes that contains me taking a picture and showing it to you guys) but until then, all I've got for you are purple hands. ^^

Day 297 - Part 1 - Pineapple

I'm kinda guessing only Emi will get this title but that's fine. It's really dusty in my room.
Anyways, as much as I want to blabber about France, I'm gonna keep this post sort of short because I'd like to update my blog like today and not in three hours.
My eye is being creepy. I woke up yesterday and it was really irritated (after I dreamt about having an infection and going halfway blind, how freaky is that? probably have been scratching my eye all night) but now it's sagging and tearing and producing that yellow stuff you get when you're really tired. It's scaring the hell out of me because I know how much things can hurt once infected and inflamed.
On the bright side, my mom brought me a card which allows me to travel for free in the weekends so I can easily get to art academy (and a lot of cross-country friends), I'm allowed to paint my hair purple (which I will do somewhere coming week because I still have some hairdye lying around) and my collection is looking great (on paper, that is).

Day 292 - Part 1 - Fucking computerlessness.

So my mom took her computer and my dad took his and I'm stuck here with just my phone, which hates me when I type big parts of text. -.-'
So you will have to do with a small post, I'm sorry.
I went to town with Emi today, it was so great. I brought an All Time Low CD, a My Chemical Romance CD and (together with Emi) a Taylor Swift CD/DVD. I'm thrilled.
Then I dragged her into this clothes store because she wanted a skirt and we spent almost two hours in there while I made her try out half of the clothes in the store. We ended up with her buying 2 shirts and an adorable skirt and me buying an awesome shirt. Costs a lot, but we had great fun. Right, darling? ;)

Day 290 - Part 1 - Alice's place

Hey guys. ^^
I realize I haven't updated in a while (sorry D:) and now I'm back but I'm at Alice's house so no computer and typing a long post is crap on my phone. I WILL update a huge holidaypost soon, promise.
Right now Ali's taking a shower, it's 12.45pm and we just had breakfast. We're both kinda dead because I slept here last night and the night before we slept at my place. Well, we didn't really sleep. We stayed up till 5 in the morning and then I was too lazy to get a matress out so we slept in my bed with 2 pillows and 2 blankets and it was very cozy but I almost got pushed out of the bed all the time and Ali didn't really sleep any better.
We had a lot of fun though. And my wall is covered in freshly written texts Ali wrote.

Day 279 - Part 1 - France

This will be a very quick post, I'm in France and got few internet. I'm writing everything down, so BEWARE, soon I'll post a huge, HUGE post with everything that happened.
Two weeks down, one to go, and I kinda miss home. It's wonderful here though, and we're camping right next to the sea and I keep on windsurfing. :3

Day 263 - Part 1 - Lazy day

I've been working my ass off lately trying to pack my bag and clean up and I'm finally finished! :D
So I'm spending today sitting on the window sill staring out into the rain and chatting with Matt. I honestly can't remember the last computertime I had and I'm actually really proud of myself.
The bad part is that there's no summer. It's cold and it rains and I'm still wearing long jeans and sweaters. Which sucks.

Day 262 - Part 1 - No motivation

Lately I've been lacking motivation for just about anything. Including updating my blog.
Sorry about that. :/
Anyways, the fashionshow was great, Emi is an amazing model. I got lots of compliments and the dress looks really amazing. :3
I'm cleaning my room an packing my bags at the moment, leaving for France tomorrow. My dad says there's internet on the campsite, so that'll be alright.
And my little sister just came back! She had a week of summercamp, and I missed her a lot and she had a lot of fun and I love her. <3
So I'll be windsurfing for three weeks from tomorrow on. We have 2 boards, 3 sails and wetsuits and stuff. I even brought a second bikini because its kinda gross wearing the same bikini for days at end.
And I've got tons of books for kn the beach. I told myself to not take so many this tim because I won't have that much time but I took a bunch anyways. My mon got me 4 for passing the year, I still had a stack lying around, so I'll have a lot to read.
My mom agreed on me getting the top of my ear pierced. It's slightly unbelievable, since she was kinda anti-piercing and tatoo for as long as I can remember. The thing is, I've wanted that piercing for quite some time, and I do bring it up, but only jokingly because I know her view on it. So I said I'd like it as a gift for passing the year kinda jokingly, and she was like "oh sure, but then no books". And I love reading.
So we were in the bookstore the other day and she was like "choose now" and I juat couldn't, and she said I can pay for the piercing myself if I want to. I can even buy it with my clothing money. Now I have books and I can get a piercing.
And my mom said I can dye my hair if I want to, which is something else I never expected her to agree on.
Get ready, next schoolyear Luzz will be punk. :3

Day 254 - Part 1 - Sewing and no sleep.

I love my job. I don't get paid or anything and I only work once a week and I just started, but I love my job. I work at this store where we sell fair-trade products, and it's so amazing. :3
Yesterday I spent most of my day sewing because the final presentation of my fashion classes is tomorrow (technically today) and it's not finished yet. I also got a haircut and it looks really great. ^^
This morning I woke up at 12 (after staying up till 4 to read), and stayed in my bed till like 3 pm, finishing this awesome story on Wattpad. I swear, if this girl write a part 2 and maybe 3, it'll be the next big fandom series, she's fabulous and it's such an amazing story.
And then more sewing. It all look so great right now, even though it's not totally finished yet. I should really get more sleep though.

Day 249 - Part 1 - Accidents and computers.

I haven't been updating much lately, sorry about that.
So Alice broke her foot Tuesday and didn't notice 'til yesterday (smart kid). I went over and brought her flowers and we talked about mainly her boyfriend. I think they're really cute together. Ali thinks I keep saying adorable things. (We were eating candy piggies, and I said "take a pig, they're really piggy".)
I've been catching up on glee lately. I missed all of last season because of fashion class, but I have time to catch up on things now.
I went to the doctor too. For my nosebleeds. He said it's just a swollen vein, no big deal, I need to get some ointment and put that on there and that's it.
And I'm scared. I'm so freaking scared. Lin's been talking to me again lately, but things aren't going quite right. Her bf has been an ass and I think he dumped her, though I'm not really sure. I'm just so afraid to talk about heavy subjects with her, fearing we'll have a fight and it'll really be the final time we'll ever speak, or the final time she'll ever speak to anyone. I've been wondering if I should call her parents but I won't, because I promised her not to and I keep to that promise.
Pinkie promise, remember?
I just hope she can forgive me for, well, for being me, selfish and thoughtless and mean, and I hope she will be happy again. I'd love to help her finding that happiness, but if she bans me from her life, I'll have to live with that. I'm still worrying, every single day.

Day 246 - Part 1 - So sleepy

Here's to nosebleeds that wake you up in the middle of the night with a smudged face and bloody covers.
Yep, I had another one. There's blood sprayed all over my hand for some reason and I look like a creepy murderer. I should REALLY get it checked out. :/
The last few days were so busy, learning and making tests and trying to get a moment or 2 of calm in.
And my parents finally made a plan for the summer holidays: windsufing in France! :D
We have 2 boards, 3 sails, wetsuits and stuff and all of the other things we need c:
I'm really excited. And Lin and Jims and me are gonna have an epic sleepover somewhere soon, but I'll update with a big post later because it's 4 am and I'm so freaking tired. D:

Day 241 - Part 1 - Freaking out and making tests.

Though Matt tells me to make out and freak tests... If only I had someone to make out with.
Anyways, I've got this really creepy thing going on with my body but I REALLY don't dare to go to the doctor so I'll just die, that's fine. 'Cause if it is what I hope it isn't and it doesn't get treated I will die. Oh well.
I had to get up early because I had to babysit my little sister and her friend, so my mom came to wake me up and she was like "get up now" and I was like "but I can rule this place from my bed" and then she yelled "Marie Antoinette" at me and we sang songs very loud and out of tune and it was just great. n_n
And I had an English test and it went really well and then Emi and I spend some time just talking. Which we should do more, because that's just amazing.
And Matt and I talked a lot, and I forgot my meds in the morning so I was REALLY hyper (sorry about that) but it was nice. ^^
I had this job interview thing at the Wereldwinkel, which is some kind of charity/fairtrade organisation, with two, well, charity ladies (you know, not too young, not dressed all too fancy, the charity type) and they were super hyper enthusiastic about a 15-year old helping them out and it was so funny and they were really happy to have me and Im mega excited to start working there in a week. :D
And now it's 11.30 and I'm fucking (sorry Matt) tired and tomorrow's the Nepal thing at school so I should get some sleep. Good night y'all.

Ps, I'm totally in a Nicolas Sparks mood rn, just watched The Notebook and I wanna watch it again and again so I'm glad I have it on dvd. ^^

Day 240 - Part 1 - Yay for nosebleeds... Again.

I was just rinsing my teeth after brushing and this one drop of blood fell down and I was like "oh that's just my teeth" and I looked up into the mirror and my entire face (from the nose down) was just covered in blood, I'm not kidding, it was fucking creepy.
I should probably have that checked out somewhere soon. Along with something else, but I'll talk to Emi about that tomorrow. I basicly just need het to say everything will be alright and I shouldn't worry because I need to focus on my test, and after that she can go freak out and tell me to go to first aid or the hospital or something but I NEED to get a sufficient for my test because I'm pretty much failing this year at the moment.
And I feel like that guy in "She's the man" (for those who don't know the movie, this one girl takes her brother's place in an all-boys school and it's really funny) when one of the guys asks her why she has tampons with her and she's going like "it works great when you have a nosebleed" and one time she walks into the room and the guy has a tampon stuffed up his nose and she gets a heartattack because I've got this rolled-up tissue sticking out of my nose and it looks absolutely ridiculous.
And that sentence was too long. So Matt, who's sentence was longer, yours or mine? 'Cause I keep losing track when I count lines.

Day 238 - Part 1 - Phonepost.

I honestly didn't know blogspot has an app, but it's really cool and I can update my blog on my phone now, yay! :D
So today was my first test of the week, French, and it wasn't that bad. I understood most of it and I could sleep in (HUGE plus).
This weekend was really cool. ^^
Ali congratzzzz! Aww, you're so cute ;)
Alice came over Friday, we went to her place for a sleepover and I convinced to set up a date with this one boy and Ali you're a really cute emergency back-up boyfriend. <3
And Sunday was so lazy, omg. I got at like 12, finished breakfast at around 1.30 and by 4.30 I started learning, I did so few yesterday, I love that.
And I got myself a CD from Jimmy Eat World, it's so good, been on replay for 2 days now, I love it so much. <3
My mom told me to get some german newspaper or something to practise for my test next Friday, so I went by all these shops and none had gernam newspapers and I almost gave up the hope when I cycled past this really cute second-hand bookshop which is like totally overpacked with books and I decided I want a house like that when I grow up, with bookshelves everywhere and books covering the ground and everything.
Anyways, I found two books so I went to pay for them and the man behind the counter (which was totally covered with books as well) looked me up and down and looked at the two books and he went like "that's 5 euros" but it was actually 7 so I payed and I walked out feeling all like people aren't that bad around here.

Day 233 - Part 1 - Offlineness.

So I have been and will be pretty offline and I won't update for some time, testweek's coming and I NEED to get my grades up. I really don't want to fail this year :/
Anyways, today I slept in. And I dodn't like it, which is a first. My dad came waking me at 11.30, and I was all like 'cmon it's Saturday, I don't want to get up yet. Then I realised it's NOT Saturday, and I actually slept through my first 3 periods. And missed my 4th because I still had to make breakfast and get dressed and cycle to school. Ugh, and it were OF COURSE the very last lessons of teachers I really like and surely won't have next year, because one of the topics is just a trial for a year and the other teacher turned 65. Which sucks, because I like them both a lot. I just hope I won't get in trouble for it.
Gotta keep up the good work, back to studying now.

Day 230 - Part 1 - Drowned kitty.

Yesterday was so lazy, omg. I haven't even gotten out of bed, except for food.
And then today, back to school. I feel like a drowned kitty tight now, it's terrible, I'm totally soaked.
And test week's coming, YAY. This week is so cramped, unbelievable, all these tests and reports to hand in and such. And then next week my last week of school, filled with tests and exams, and I don't even have the dates ready yet. GREAT planning, school. -.-'
I should go learn but I really can't be bothered atm. I;m clod and wet and tired and we had this stupid lecture so I just got home at 6 and it's raining and OF COURSE I got the worst of it, soaked within 2 minutes, and I'm hungry and moody and ranting and all I wanna do is go read a book and listen to music and chat with Matt and Brandon and Rae and Lin and Jims and some more people. Fuck this.

Day 229 - Part 1 - Matt's like Sleeping Beauty.

Seriousely. I threw him a pillow and he goes to sleep. And he woke up like half an hour ago, omg -.-'
So it's 3.30 in the morning, I'm freaking hyper and actually very happy. Really.
Matt's told me to just keep busy and not give my mind time to think, and that paid out.
If I would've played as much piano as I did the last few days in my first years, I would've been a famous concert pianist by now, I'm not kidding you. 5 hours on Friday, about 3 to 4 today, and I've gto learning a new song planned in for tomorrow, with searching for the chords (that is, findung them out on the piano) myself. Yep, got my head busy, for one. ^^
I'm kind of paranoid at the moment tho, if my parents wake up they'll kill me and take the computer and ground me for at least a month. Good thing they're not known for randomly jumoing out of bed in the middle of the night.
I should go to sleep tho. Won't get out of bed tomorrow and I have a million things to do. Wish me luck.
G'night y'all. ;)

Day 226 - Part 2 - Finding peace

Lets just remember the great stuff, 'kay?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y313hNAtTbw

Day 226 - Part 1 - Troubleshooting.

So I'm totally not in the mood for typing, but I haven't typed in ages, so I'll just write you guys someting.
Here's the thing. My sister's class is getting totally fucked up, which the principal promised not to do, but like all the kids are being victimized, really. Which totally sucks. And I know what it's like to feel unsafe in school. Fuck, I'm afraid for her.
Oh, and Dennis broke up. Tears all over, of course. My contacts got all muddled, thay can't stand the emotional version of me. ;)
Somehow, it's not as bad as I thought. I mean, I was sad and then very numb and now I'm just fucking tired, but I'm still somehow able to smile. I mean, I knew this was coming, right? I always knew, somewere deep down, that it wasn't going to last. At least I know it was real. And that is more than I can say about the past six years.
Dennis brought me back to life, now I've got to learn how to live it.

Day 223 - Part 1 - A little touch of heavenly light.

I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry for yesterday. I had a crappy mood, and I know that's absolutely no excuse for taking it out on you, but I'm sorry.
Just so you know, I'm not slipping back. I'm alive and I'm gonna stay alive, even if I don't always realise that. Unless some car drives me over, ofcourse ;)
So first things first.
Rae, I'm terribly sorry for taking things out on you. I shouldn't do that, it's not your fault and it was bad of me to do that. I'm sorry.
Lin, sorry for being selfish. Not everything is about me, I know, and I keep subjecting things to myself. I'm sorry.
Dennis, sorry for being grumpy and annoyed. Of course we're supposed to be able to talk about those things without me totally freaking out. I was being a bitch and I'm really, REALLY sorry about that.
And I guess I just calmed down in general. I did some school work, doing some impossible puzzle thing rn, and looking into a dress I promised to make for Emi which I added to my task list. Waiting for replies on my apps for charity work. Yep, I'm on the way up again.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ROtBbOcdFxo&ob=av2n

Day 222 - Part 2 - Tears.

Almost there. At least I know I still have feelings, yay.
I was watching SYTYD USA, and this song came up. Instant replay for now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BJjLlEBQ8ww

Day 222 - Part 1 - I don't even know how to feel anymore.

I mean, haven't we been over this a million times before? It's not like I haven't been lying awake for nights at end wondering about the exact some thing, trying to figure it out. Just don't keep me holding on to a dead end, okay? Because that would pretty much just suck.
Yeah, I had a pretty crappy day. And then again, it was a nice day too. Confused feelings all over, ugh. Sofie was staying over for the night, AMAZING SLEEPOVER, rawr. We went to see Snowwhite and the Huntsman, and seriousely thought about breaking into the cinema and putting it on instant replay all night long. We would've known it by heart in the morning, hehe. It's a really, REALLY awesome movie. You should all go see it.
And then after helping her getting into the right train, I went to go help Pauline with her homework. We didn't really do that much homework, though I made a list of "How to learn" for her, and we talked. About heavy stuff. About my being bullied and bursting into tears at school because it's just so hard and idk, sometimes it seems impossible to do anything right.
I mean, I KNOW i should be making my homework right now, learning for German and such, because I'll just do something to myself if I fail German, and this school year, and not get into the pre-programme of the art academy I want to go to when I finish school, but I just can't get myself to push things aside and concentrate. I just have too much on my plate right now, none of which I can put in my box of things I worry about but don't concern me, none of which will be any easier when solved. I'm getting stuck on my list of tasks because there's too much to do to even think about them, Lin won't talk to me anymore, it almost feels like I'm slipping back into a depression though I'm sure I just won't. I won't let myself. But I'm afraid I'm losing ways of stopping it from happening.

Day 218 - Part 1 - The problem is, darling, I think you sometimes forget to be happy with yourself, too.

I like today. I really do. And I will like it for some more.
So I have a 9 in Drama. On a scale of 1 to 10. Which, is like, AWESOME. yk, the critics we're grading on (you basicly give yourself a mark, let the group talk about it a little, and then the teacher, she makes up the final mark) are more or less this: did you grow and did you learn what you wanted to learn?
So for growing, I definitely did. I learned to play better, take on heavier parts, I even learned to give better feedback, which is a big part of acting. The reflecting on things and such, yk.
And then for what I wanted to learn. At the beginning of the year, our teacher asked to say why we were taking the drama course. There were all this people going like "for fun, for learning to present something" etc. And I came up with honesty.
Because, what I really wanted to learn in Drama, was to be able to open up. To be honest about who I am and what I've been through, and the learn to trust people. So today, when we were grading, my teacher asked me if I did learn to be honest.
And I said I grew. Because I did. I might not have grown that much as an actor, but I've grown personally. It's less recognisable but more feelable. And I've not so much learned to be open to everyone, but I've learned to be honest. With myself. And I didn't learn to trust people. I've learned to be able to trust people. And that is so much more than I expected.
As it turns out, my day started pretty great. And it didn't fail on me. My lessons were pretty boring but not all too bad, my free period was spend outside in the sun reading a book (One Day by David Nicholls, it's AMAZING AMAZING, you should all totally read it, wow <3) and by the time I turned my iPod on and cycled home, nothing could break my mood. I don't know if I ever said this before but I'll say it again, did you ever notice how every single song turns into asummer hit when the sun's shining and the weather's great? It's amazing. You should try it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yP4qdefD2To&ob=av2e
And what you should also do is read Amino's story. He is a pretty awesome writer, but shush, don't tell him that, no need to make him feel all posh and sturdy. He's special as things are, right?
http://amino-talks.blogspot.com/
ANDANDAND. Why is the mail so freaking slow? Does it really have to take over a week to go deliver a package to Germany? Gosh, Dennins still didn't get his present. :/
Oh, and I signed up for Kunstbende today. Which is a competition for young talent. And I signed up of "Fashion", so third collection, here I come :D

'It's not gonna change you, is it?'
'What?'
'Being very, very, very, very slightly famous.'
~ David Nicholls

Day 217 - Part 1 - Happy birthday and holidays.

Last Thursday, my mom came home saying, "guys, I've booked a hut on a campsite somewhere for this weekend, we're leaving tomorrow, who's coming?" So I jumped up being all happy and called Alice to come along and just went off for the weekend.
And it was wonderful. Sun all over, me getting stung by insects and sorts three times within the first hour, huge outside swimming pool down the road and LOTS of suncream. :D
And, even better, I actually managed to sneak in some homework. Applause for me. x)
ANDDDD, HAPPY BIRTHDAY DENNIS <3
Now my boyfriend is 2 years older than me :D
Awesome. <3

Day 212 - Part 1 - Worrydolls and a heartattack.

Today's WONDERFUL <3
The weather's still amazing, school's pretty okay, I gave Cille and Diana worrydolls and letters (well, I gave Cille a letter and just told Diana), I even have 2 worrydolls for myself. I'm going shopping with Diana in half an hour, I love my outfit and my sunglasses.
When I get home, I always check the mail if there's something for me. Usually there isn't though, and if there is it's usually just banknotes, but today there was a letter from the government. And that just scared me to hell. Because my brother had a lot of trouble with childservices (they're total bitches, don't be mistaken), and for a moment I thought they were placing me out. Especially since there's a letter for my sister and my mom, too. Gosh I had a heartattack, unbelievable.
And I happen to be so much happier when I hardly sleep at all at night. It so strange. I have been lying awake till 2 am, and today I'm just so happy and just... Feeling good.
And now I've got to hurry, Diana'll be here in a few minutes and I still have a lot to do. ^^

Day 211 - Part 1 - Summertime and tights.

The weather's so wonderful this week. It's all sunny and warm, I've been walking around in short summer dresses and skirts all week. :D
I've also been wearing my contacts. I never noticed before how small my eyes get when I wear my glasses, but now that I don't wear them, it's so obvious, omg. I love my sunglasees, btw. They're so cute :3
The only thing I hate about the weather is my skin. (Makes sense, huh?) The point is, I'm so darn white, I need to spend like 10 minutes putting suncream on to make sure I don't get lobster red. But I still get sunburned. UGH, I hate that. :/
So my computer officially crashed yesterday. Even safe mode won't work. And my dad doesn't really have time to go fix it until next week, so I'm stuck behind his again. -.-'
Also, I brought me some tights, to block the sun and make me a little less embarrassed about the shortness of my dress (it IS really short), but it already had a ladder in it after a few hours, so I cut out the middle parts, and just walked on with weird socks and still some kind of cover-up under my skirt. So, yeah, bad quality. Not that any of those tights are real good quality, they all rip up after a day or two, so I'm glad I just brought the cheapest kind.
I've also been writing letters. Another task on my list. It feels good to let people know what they mean to me. I love it when someone likes something I do, or just likes me, and I like to be told. (Oh, yesh, I love ego boosts :P) So I figured, others might as well. And that's what I'm doing. Letters to friends and lovers. People, watch the mail ;)

Day 209 - Part 1 - I trip, you fall.

I hate school. Well, not so much school, more the homework-tests-and-forced-to-be-in-time part. If it just were for the classes, I'd probably really enjoy school. And my mom wouldn't make such a point about me computering all day long.
So we decided to move the computer downstairs. The thing is, I spend about as much time on my computer as I do in school. Which is really, REALLY bad. You can ask my grades. :/
I need to get my sister out of the bath. She and a friend of hers smeared facepaint all over their bodies. And they keep begging for more time, though her friend will be picked up soon. So I just gave them another 2 minutes. Because I don't feel like arguing with a bunch of 9-year olds.
There's just too much for me to do. And I keep stumbling over myself, over all the things I should be but am not.
I trip all the time. I trip. But you fall.

Day 205 - Part 1 - Extra virgin.

I'm totally lacking motivation for anything today. I've got to write my English essay, I really want to call Lin but I have no idea what to tell her, because I think she won't believe I really do care, I can't keep up any conversation and I'm even too lazy to get some food, which is terrible.
So I spend the day in roli and watching TV with my mom, sometimes writing a few extra lines on my essay but never really getting anythere. It really sucks.
Song of the day: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bK463fcJebI&ob=av2n
Oh, and I just realized, why do bottles of olive oil say "Extra Virgin"? Like, did they put in 2 virgins instead of one? I thought it was suitable for veggies.
So confuzzled rn.

Day 203 - Part 1 - Drama 101

I hate being overemotional. I've had a shortage of sleep like, forever, but I'm actually starting to notice it now. I'm being a total bitch to my sister (I'm sorry little sis D:), I get angry over the tinyest of things, my spelling's totally floppy (as you may have noticed), and I suddenly cry.
And not just cry, CRY. I mean the long, weeping, out-of-breath, terrible noises cry. It's so annoying -.-'
And once I've started, everything starts to shake (including me) and I just CAN'T stop. I hate that.
So I baked 2 cakes today, totally awesome, and I already knew I was short on time and low on ingredients. So what do I do? After 2 hours of decorating, I drop one. Ful outburst of tears, cake all over the floor, me in rocking tears, and then my brother (who can be totally sweet and awesome) came down and heard me rant and then went downstairs to clean up the kitchen for me. It all turned out pretty fine though, and both girls loved their cakes.
The good part is, I made another 2 goals. That's 3 in 4 days, I'm really proud of me :D

I'm a walking wreckage, YAY! :D (And no, that's not sarcasm, I'm so darn tired that being a walking wreckage sounds like the better option.)

Day 202 - Part 2 - Raeeeeee

She has a blog now. You guys should totally check it out, she's so sweet and it's really cute and fun to read and afjkghajksdg just follow it ^^
http://www.theraerayy.blogspot.co.uk/

Day 202 - Part 1 - Jeans and pancakes.

Okay WHY did I put pancakes in there? That doesn't even have anything to do with anything. What's wrong with me? xD
Anyways, I got to sleep in this morning <3
First 2 hours off, that just makes my day. Then just plain old boring school ._.
And, I fixed 3 pairs of jeans today. *pats on shoulder* Fixing jeans is seriousely one of the most boring things you can do with a sewingmachine. It's just turning yourself onto autopilot and let your hands do the work, not thinking, nothing difficult. And I like challenges, so it's just boring to me. But I've been putting it off all this time, those jeans have been lying around forever, so I figured it would be time to finally go fix them.
And I didn't even start on my list yet D:
Before I started, I was like, I want to do this thing and that thing and that thing but I CAN'T because it's not day 200 yet. And now it's past day 200, and I'm like "ah, I'll do that later on". I'm such a strange person.

Day 200 - Part 1 - The countdown.

21 tasks in 100 days - 100 days to live my life
So I was thinking, 200 days of blogging. And in those 200 days, there's so much I have done, and at the same time so much I haven't. And that's when an idea popped into my mind.
Because, what if I never do the things I really want to do? That would suck. So I made a list. A list of tasks I want to have done in 100 days. I ended up with 21 of them, writtin out in a really nice notebook, with space for remarks, crossing out days, thank-you's and things I came across in the 100 days.
And I decided to start at day 200. Not only because it's another big achievement for me, but also because I couldn't wait another 65 days to have the list finished by a year of blogging.
Today, I will change my life and do the things I always wanted to.
For the journey is the destination.

Day 199 - Part 1 - Starting the countdown.

Wow. 199 days of blogging. That's a LOT. It feels really odd, especially knowing I'm going to open a new chapter to my life tomorrow. But that I'll tell you later ;)
So today was just plain old boring school. I wrote down the list in this super cure notebook and I skipped eating the orange because I didn't feel like getting my hands all wet and sticky. And then I firgured out I can put the cable of my computerboxes into my iPod and have loved the idea ever since.
Anyways, I'm just spamming Roli and stalking twitter and poking people and being tired and trying to install skype on my phone again, which of course doesn't work.

Day 198 - Part 1 - Oranges and excitement.

Rae helped me find out why I have so many random nosebleeds (thank you Rae :D). Turns out, I've got a huge shortage of vitamins for not eating fruit. And when I say huge, I mean HUGE. The kind that I haven't eaten fruit in over a month and don't take vitamin pills or anything. So I've been taking organges to school for the last 2 days, and I actually feel better already. Which is probably my mind playing tricks on me, but that doesn't really matter.
So I guess my list is finished now, it's kinda creepy to know I'll start on it in 2 days. Sounds like a movie or something. My life is a movie :D
And I went to the dentist. The maximum for my braces to stay in is until December.
FUCKING DECEMBER.
That's so long still :(
And they had to adjust all kinds of stuff, so my teeth hurt once again :/
Ugh, thus sucks. Can't wait for them to get out. At least I'll be able to just brush my teeth normally then.
And now back to homework. I'm being so nice to school lately. Which reminds me, I need to check on my marks again, see if I got any A's orso. ;P

Day 197 - Part 2 - Piano.

I decided to go play some piano again, and I looked through my sheets and found "My Immortal" (which I can play a part of now), "Almost Lover" (which sounds absolutely AMAZING and suits my voice) and "Dance of the Dragonfly" (Bob sent me the link, and I found sheet music. It's the kind of music where I look at the right hand, which has most of the melody, think "Oh, that's a good challenge", see the left hand and go crazy because it's REALLY difficult, even for someone who has had classes for 10 years. I tried it anyways, and can play like 1 line, but it sounds really awesome).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5anLPw0Efmo&ob=av2e
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lsWsasqIoyk&ob=av2e
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7kKg_GCbvk4

Day 197 - Part 1 - I hate waiting.

So I can't start on my list yet because the days haven't started, and there's actually some things I really want to start on :/
But, I can rant all I wants about the letter I sent Dennis, since that has arrived. So I was in a very ADHD-y mood, it was past midnight, holidays, and I almost had to go back to school. So what is it I do? Exactly. Write my boyfriend a letter.
With tiny drawings spreading all over the paper, random remarks, a piece of extra paper taped to it because I was out of paper, weird notes, hyper writing and making no sense at all.
And I made pictures of a lot of drawings :D
I won't bore you with those all, so I'll just post this one ;)
http://i50.tinypic.com/2a91g28.jpg

Oh, and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FE1nfva5gvg

Day 196 - Part 1 - This is art.

Baking is AWESOME, you guys :D
So I had to do some school project about text and art, and I baked a cake, and wrote "This is art" on there, the concept being it's not art unless you intend it to be.
So I had to wake up at 6.30 in the morning so dad could drive me to school to get the cake there in one piece (cycling with it was no option, walking would take an hour or more), and my teacher was pretty enthousiastic about it.
Then I cut it up and gave all my classmates a piece and we ate it :D
And now I'm writing out my list, after playing some piano and not doing homework ;)
I'll tell you guys about the list later :D
Oh, and I found myself another song to play and sing. This one.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lsWsasqIoyk&ob=av2e
And I got off school early. That was cool :)

Oh, and this song, it's absolutely WONDERFUL.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WbN0nX61rIs&ob=av2e

Day 194 - Part 1 - Kitchen.

I just spend 2 days in the kitchen, baking cakes and muffins and all kinds of stuff.
Because, yk, tomorrow's my sister's birthday, so she celebrated it today, and we had this kind of high-tea thing going around, with chocolate and cake and bread with sausage and potato chips and all that kind of stuff, and my mom and I had to make EVERYTHING, so we spend the last 2 days in the kitchen baking and cooking.
This morning only, I mean, 4 hours non-stop decorating... It was fun but really tiring. And the cake was gone within 10 minutes. But it was so worth it :D
And the birthday cake looked so cute :3
So, yeah, my days were pretty empty. It was mostly just baking. And my sis having a party. But, yk, socializing with grown-ups isn't all too exiting to talk about on here, because we always discuss the same problems: Their kids, me, my brother and all his problems, my siter, friend and family, the news. It kinda gets old talking about it afterwards after a couple of years.
And my mind's really slow today. It's all filled up with sugar and butter and all kinds of ingredients and decorating things... I can notice I haven't been doing anything but baking the last few days.
And I think I washed my hands about a million times. They're still sticky.

Day 192 - Part 2 - Paperweight.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PYiG5tpCOF4
Listen to that while reading. And if you're out of music before you're out of text, play the song again. And again. And again, if you need to.
So today was one hell of an emotional rollercoaster. Waking up was hell, then waking Lin was fun and we had a great time and then going back home in the train I was just really sad. After that, I was pretending to be happy with my parents, and we went off to remember the dead. It's an annual thing here in the Netherlands, we remember those who died so we can live in freedom now. So that was just pressing on me a little, because that started after WW2 and being Jewish, I really try to figure out all I can about WW2, to know how my parents and their parents became who they are now. And to discover a part of myself, too.
Then I went home and watched the last part of "Dear John", which I started watching with Lin but we didn't have enough time to finish it because I had to catch my train. So I cried over the movie, because it's just so sad and I'm a total emotional dweep when it comes to movies like that, and I can still feel the tears on my face.
And then came the hard conversation with Dennis, which really was difficult for me, and I made him feel bad and I hate me for that, but I just had to let him know how I felt and stuff and luckily we're good now. We should pick a date for me to come over or something.
Now that I'm sitting here typing everything out, I can feel the tears forming in my eyes and I know they'll start rolling down my cheeks any moment, but that's a good thing. Because as long as I dare to cry, everything will be fine.

Day 192 - Part 1 - Nightmares and breakfast.

I woke up this morning feeling terrible. -.-'
But, Lin was in the bed next to my mattress, so I was happy pretty soon again.
idk, it is weird. My dreams used to be amazing because Dennis was in them, now they hurt so much because he's in them. Not because he does hurtful things in my dreams, far from, but because it hurts seeing us so happy in my dreams.
And then I also woke up at 10 AM, after staying up till 2 AM, which is really, REALLY odd for me, because I usually sleep till 11 AM when I go to bed at midnight :/
And it wasn't the room or anything. That's happening a lot lately.
What's also happening a lot is crying myself to sleep. Or being on the verge of crying. And waking up with the same feeling.
So, yeah, I'm feeling totally crap these days..
Luckily there's Lin, who's sitting next to me reading along and snorting but kinda smiling too because she's amazing :D
She is.
Now hug her.
Good. ^^
UGH, I hate this feeling. WHY can't some people just DECIDE?
And I'm having breakfast now :D
Which is all chocolaty and nice :D
I love chocolate, btw ^^

Day 191 - Part 2 - Just wondering.

So, did you talk to her yet? I really want to know how things are for us now. Mail me?

Day 191 - Part 1 - GAH.

Hi people :D
Hehe, so I'm at Lin's now and we're totally random and hyper and happy and such :3
AND. I was gonna show her something on youtube but I forgot what because I got distracted by myself (which happens a lot, really ^^), and now I forgot but I do remember it was supermeganice and I really wanted to show her and GAH.
And Lin's reading along and kinda laughing and such and saying "tsss" as she reads what I just wrote, and OMG I FORGOT TO CALL MY MOM D:
Anyways, hi. ^^

Day 190 - Part 6 - Show me some love.

I mean, I don't care if you can't tell me you love me. As long and I know you do. And it might not even be enough, but I don't care. You love me, that's all that matters now.
ANDDDDD, I'm packing up my bags, going to Lin tomorrow :D
So I'll be back later guys :D
Miss me if you will ;)

Day 190 - Part 5 - Fan-tastic,

So does anyone have any ideas on how to stop a bleeding nose? I've got one again -.-'

Day 190 - Part 4 - So who's spamming me?

Because my viewstats go up like SO MUCH because I think someone's spamming my blog :D
Not that I really mind.
I love blogviews. :D

Day 190 - Part 3 - Go follow

or I'll come for you and lie under your bed and creep you out at night and then you'll better listen to me before I fry you all with my firebreathing :D
Hehe :P

assayame.blogspot.com
That's Lin's blog ^^
Now go see it and follow :D

Day 190 - Part 2 - FUCK.

Excuse my language.
So, yeah, a lot of things are going down again. Why can't life just for once be nice to me?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tvtJPs8IDgU

Day 190 - Part 1 - Ymir.

I did some drawing :D
http://i45.tinypic.com/2m3jkgp.jpg
http://i46.tinypic.com/jfdzih.jpg
http://i46.tinypic.com/2rfsxok.jpg
http://i46.tinypic.com/2aacbo1.jpg

And now I'm actually doing my homework :O
Which I'm pretty proud of myself for, since I've been putting it off all week. But it's not that bad. Yet. ;)

Day 189 - Part 2 - Then there's Emi.

Emi is fantastic. And amazing. More than that. She made me smile, and now we're being fantasticly girlie and talking about me meeting Dennis and all :D
So I'm going on and on about our day, and Emi's just sitting there being so happy for me and I'm like, only she can make me feel like this on a day like today, which is amazing, since I never thought anyone could ever make me smile a year ago, and Emi's cheered me up again, as she does every time I'm down.
So thank you, sweetie sweetie Emi thing <3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wDnfCuakV64&ob=av2e

Day 189 - Part 1 - At least there's tears.

So I know it means something to me, at least.
Was it really worthless then? Meaningless from the beginning? Can I really throw this all away?
I guess it was doomed anyway.

Day 187 - Part 3 - Never knew it could hurt so much.

I MISS HIM I MISS HIM I MISS HIM.
Someone let me go to Dennis, please? I miss him so much, I love him, and I just to be with him :(
GAH, I miss him SO much :'(

Day 187 - Part 3 - Lin's got a boyfriend

nanananananaaaa :P

Day 187 - Part 2 - Partytime :D

So, Lin, now we can doubledate ^^
Congratz sweetie. I told you you're amazing <3
And, you're right, he's pretty adorable. You mind if I stick to Dennis, though? ;)
Congratzcongratzcongratzcongratz sayhifromme we'regonnayellalotthursday ;)
Ily sweetie ^^

Day 187 - Part 1 - So, yeah, Rae,

you're right. I should listen to you more often. ^^

Day 186 - Part 1 - Oh, and we kissed.

So today was amazing. More than amazing. Perfect. If only it could've lasted longer :/
So I woke up at 6.30 AM, and I'm still tired because of that. Anyways, we got in the car, drove the wrong way like twice, and ended up running late for like half an hour. Which sucked, since only had so much time :/
And then my family and me walked into this café and guess who was there?
Exactly.
Dennis. <3
So, we hugged. And our families looked at us. And we all sat down at this table going like "well THIS is akward". And then my mom sent Dennis and me away, which was a really great idea, because we were just sitting there next to eachother going "yep, so, no talking/touching/hugging/kissing in front of parents, appearantly".
So we walked out and held hands and strolled around the city a little talking about whatever. We talked so much, unbelievable :D
And then we found this pretty deserted park and sat down on a bench watching the church making a lot of noise for over half an hour, sitting there on his jacket (that was so sweet <3) hugging and talking about anything. And I was just holding on tight and looking at him and trying to work up the courage to kiss him.
And then Dennis got cold and he put his jacket back on and we were like "bearhug", and then he kissed me on the cheek, and that was the thing that made me brave enought to kiss him back so I kissed his neck (yeah I'm tiny) and then we kissed kissed. Like, with tongues and all <3
And I hear from people all around me that first kisses are supposed to be akward and pretty gross but I actually really really loved it. Yeah, that would be me, the weird crazy little girl that hates the things everyone likes and loves the things everyone dislikes.
And then we kissed some more, and I swear I could've been sitting there on that bench all day kissing my supermegasweetandamazingboyfriend.

Day 180 - Part 3 - Tomorrow.

Dennis just reminded me I totally forgot to mention us meeting tomorrow :O
I thought I did that ages ago D:
Anyways, TOMORROW WE'RE GONNA MEET <3
OMGOMG I'm so excited and soooo nervous. And Rae keeps telling me to not be, that it'll be fine and such, but I'm nervous anyway.
And I cleaned out my whole room because my mom said we're not going if I didn't, so I just finished vacuuming it, and it looks so darn empty. I threw out 4 full garbage bags, if not more. I never knew I had so much junk in my room :/
Oh, well, I can't wait for the morning to come <3

Day 180 - Part 2 - FINE then.

So this is what happens when I troll omegle but that fails and I happen to find someone who's actually pretty nice. ^^

Bob: What are YOU up to?
Luzzie: nothing you? ;P
Bob: Stilllllllllllll omegle. Why not blog some more?
Luzzie: ugh, I have nothing to write about :/
Bob: Your day?
Luzzie: "I just sat behing the computer all day instead of doing homework."
Bob: "I talked to my awesome friend from Australia"
Luzzie: "And he loves to brag about himself." ;)
Bob: Exactly! Now you have something to write about. xD

Yeah, I know I'm weird. Love me for that ;)

Day 180 - Part 1 - Pictures.

So I just figured out I didn't have a single pic of me on my blog... Which is pretty terrible, since my blog's all about me. Gosh, that sounds selfish D:

Anyways, say hi ^^

This was somewhere last December orso, the gap between my teeth is gone, but it's the most recent pic of me that I actually like. I'm not all too great on pics. ;)

Day 175 - Part 2 - Smiles.

So I'm pretty happy, actually. All fluffyfluffyBOUNCE today ^^
And I loveloveLOVE coffee ^^
And icecream ^^
And trolling omegle ^^
Ahem. So, yeah, as you probably see, I didn't take my meds today. I'm bouncy and hyper. And smiling all the time. And I have my radio on. To keep me kinda calm-ish.
Which it not a flawless system :/

Day 175 - Part 1 - Confessions.

I know there's some mistakes in there, and I switched around some names for privicy matter, but I just needed to get this out here.

Hello there, my name is Luzzie and I'm 15 years old. I have been bullied, and affected by it, for just over six years, so since I was eight. It all started out real innocent, when this new girl came to my school. I was a new student that year, and this girl came in halfway through my first year. I figured, she's new too, so she must be careful and shy. Since I was the newest kid half a year before, I tried everythng to make the girl feel welcome, because I know I liked the way my class reacted upon my arrival. This girl, Emma, she seemed to be just another girl to me. I liked her a little, not too much and not too few, like I liked all the classmates I had nothing to do with other than being in the same class with. But she seemed to like me as a friend, and I went right along with her.
To be real honest, I'm not fully sure of what happened the last six years. It's like someone blew a hole into my memory to block out my worst nightmares and returns pieces to me so slowly I'm not sure if I'll ever remember everything. The things I do remember are so aweful I sometimes still lay awake at night, thinking of how I lived through all that. I wasn't physically bullied, but in my opinion mental bullying is just as bad. I remember being shut out of games, biting my lips until they bleed so I wouldn't cry, sitting in the corner of the playground smashing my bag into anyone who came too near. And then teachers grabbing me by the arm and dragging me inside, the principal coming down and forcing me upstairs because I'd either go limp or fight the life out of me.
At home, things weren't any better. No one hurted me, physically nor mentally, but I'd start screaming and shouting the moment someone pointed at me, and got send to my room a lot. The emotions I were so afraid to show in school came out doubled, tripled, at home. I screamed at my mom like she ripped off my arm, yelled at my father like he'd thrown me out of some window.
The grown-ups around me couldn't see what was happening. Sure, I told my parents and my teacher how I felt, but they didn't grasp exactly what was going on, or how bad things were. Also, after schooltime, I was great friends with Emma. Looking back, I think that was because I was so desperate for attention, I'd take any available, even if that meant going home with the person that set the whole class against me, for attention was attention, and no one else would play with me.I fought with my friends a lot. I told them I didn't believe they still liked me, told them all they did was acting friendly only to make me feel worse later. I lost all contact with people who actually liked me.
In high school, which I started at eleven (that has to do with the Dutch school system and me spending only one year in kindergarten), I already has 2 shrinks and a load of emotional damage I'm not sure I can ever fix. I was so messed up no one could see who I really was. I acted childish and arrogant, to make sure no one would feel the need to let me in and hurt me like I've been hurted. For the first year, I had exactly one friend, who I was scared to talk to because I was afraid of letting her in. Talking about myself is still a big issue for me, but I'm glad I actually can right now.
Not long after starting high school, I hated myself so much, I didn't want to live anymore. I've never attempted suicide, luckily, because who knows where I would be right now if I had. The only thing stopping me from killing myself was my little sister. She was around six when the idea first dawned upon me, and all I could think was that she was way too young to loose a sister. A little after that, by the time I had worked out that I really didn't want to live and would wait until my sister would be eight or ten, I told two of my best friends, two girls I met on some sort of summercamp. They had the courage to call my mother and tell her everything they knew, and I still owe my life to them. Literally.
My mom and dad spoke to me about it, and told me that, with my permission, they'd find me a psychologist. So they did.
By the time I went to the second grade of high school, they found me one, and I went to her once every two weeks. As far as I can remember, those afternoons were the only ones I allowed myself to feel some sort of happiness. I cycled away from the building with a smile forming on my face every time, and it felt good to be able to talk to someone. After a couple of times, she decided to test me on ADD/ADHD, because my brother was dignosed with ADD short before and my mom thought she had it too. It turned out positive, and things fell into an entirely new perspective to me. Having ADHD ment explaining to myself why I was so hyper in groups and why I didn't emotionally dare to do so many things. It also showed me that it might have been possible that not everything was my fault, something I didn't believe, no matter how many times people told me.
Last year came the final thing for me to start leaving it behind me. I had gotten started on medication for the ADHD, I was still in school and my feeling of wanting to commit suicide had lessened to the point where I started doubting it. The classes were being reformed because so many people had dropped out, and all I could thnk was "there goes all the work I did, now I have to start all over again learning to trust people". Instead, Emi came.
She has been my friend from the very moment we first entered the classroom. I often still wonder how we came to be friends, but there just doesn't seem to be a first step, no logical explanation. She trusted me for some reason and gave me the courage to use my voice. That year, I used the speech we had to do in Dutch classes as opportunity to tell my classmates about myself. I didn't prepare anything for it, and words didn't came easy, but in the end I was able to explain to my classmates why I sometimes acted so hyper and why sometimes I was so sad I'd crawl into a corner and did everything to bite down tears. Because the tears, they still wouldn't come.
Now that I really think about it, I can't remember crying at all in those six years. Maybe sometimes because of physical pain - bumping my head into something, tripping and falling to the floor face-first, someone throwing something that accidentally hit me - but never one of emotional or mental pain. I didn't dare to, thought it made me look weak, an easy target.
Life got easier on me after telling my classmates. Knowing I could tell something and make others listen, seeing the reactions and the recognition on the faces. I was almost back to happy.
Thinking about it, there are and will always be other needed to make me feel fine. My friends telling my mom, Maaike, my only friend in the first few grades of high school (and still a real good friend), Emi, who helped me gather pieces of my shattered emotions, my few other friends, who help my days livable again, and my boyfriend, who makes me smile on days I'd rather jump off a roof and then climb back up to do it again, so the pain can distract my mind. It's still not easy being me, but I'm working on it.
One thing I'm very glad about is that I never cut myself, or inflicted any other kind of physical pain. At the time, this was mostly because I didn't want anyone to see how weak I was for having been bullied (at least, it felt as being weak), and not being able to get over it alone. Now I'm just glad I don't have to explain it to every stranger, don't get stared at walking around in a T-shirt. Looking back, I see it as a way of being strong, real strong, to handle all the pain alone, without cutting or crying or turning to others. I might should have been more relaying on others, for it would have helped me a great deal, but I do see it as a strongness, instead of the weakess I saw in it before.
I still have my bad days, days I'm not sure I'll get through, days I fake a smile to cover up the tears so I won't have to explain. Because explaining the amount, the intensity of the pain inside of me is so much more difficult than faking a smile and pretending to be happy.
No, I'm not happy yet. But after all that happened to me on the way to being right were I am, who I am, I know I'm getting there.

Day 174 - Part 1 - Shoot me, will ya?

I've been terribly absent these last few days, the tab staring me in my face, doing absolutely nothing. My mind is being so slow these days. I mean, during the week I don't sleep enough and get tired, in the weekends I sleep so much that sleeping gets me tired :/
Luckily, there's always coffee. Better to say, chococoffee with sugar, foamed milk and haselnut syrup. Yummy yummy :D
So I probably failed my French, which means I'm gonna fail this year, but I couldn't care less. Right now, I'm just trying to keep Lin and me alive. And saying goodbye to gsm :'(

Day 169 - Part 1 - How I became a good girl.

I haven't touched my computer all weekend, so proud of me ;)

I did grab my phone, but let's not count that ;)

My point is, I did homework. REAL homework. Like, learning and revising and writing down all my French, doing all sorts of writtien stuff of other topics, pleasing my mom, pleasing myself, too.

I drew a lot, too. I brought charcoal on Thursday, and IT LOOKS SO AWESOME. My hands are in a state of permanent blackness, but that doesn't really matter. I'll show you guys something :D

(Loves the hands)

(So, yeah, it looks pretty weird, but I think the snakeskin stuff worked out pretty awesome.)

So that's my weekend. And today was just plain old boring school. :/

Ugh, and it's freezing in here :/

Anyways, I'm starting to blurt out random things, I'll get back to homework and drawing ;)

Day 164 - Part 1 - Hating wAg.

So gsm's shutting down, and that sucks big time. But first, last Sunday.
IT WAS AMAZING. I went over to Lin, and so did Jims, and asfklkae it was so awesome :3
I mean, Jims and I were there and Lin opened the door and we were like "OK akward", but, yk, put 3 girls in a room and they'll talk to eachother. So we did. A LOT.
Actually, first it just was me talking. And Lin saying "so..." every time there was a pause of over a second. But eventually we all sortof loosened up and started talking for real.
Now here's the odd thing: Usually, in unknown situations, I get real childish and annoying and talkative and stop being me, even when I took my meds. But with Lin and Jims, I just was me. I was all of me, 100%, the weird and crazy girl who loves to talk. And can listen. The girl who knows when to stop. I was myself, and that doesn't really happen a lot.

And now wAg is shutting down Cosmo gSm. Which means they're taking away about 20 friends and a whole community of awesome people, and that brings me down like crazy. wAg just rains on my parade. And now Dennis built this amazing forumwebsitething, and of course gsm's ignoring it :/
UGH, can't we all just buy the Cosmo gsm or something? :(

AND, Lin and Jims and I are already picking a second meetingdate :D
At my place or Jim's. We still don't know. Anyways, that part of my life is still going the right way.

Day 162 - Part 1 - Lin forced me.

Yep. She said I'd have to make a post like right now at this very moment, but I'm supposed to be in bed or getting ready, so I don't really have time. I'll tell you how meeting her and Jims yesterday was tomorrow, instead.
And I love Dennis.
And we're all gonna have one big sleepover-movie-pyjamaparty one day.
Oh yes we will :3

Day 156 - Part 1 - FUCK.

School's tiring, I'm not feeling good at all, everyone's worried about me and I'm worried about Lin and I'm not sleeping enough and my brother's being sued for not going to school.
So, all in all, my days suck.
Ugh, I try real hard not to curse, but it isn't getting any easier. Now that I actually do my homework, my mom's much easier in letting me off the hook and going to Lin and Dennis with me. I love her <3
Yes I do :D

And I found Bethany Joy Lenz again. I love this singer <3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ixGNoS-HCtU

Day 151 - Part 3 - So worried.

Lin, I'm BEGGING you, let me knwo something. PLEASE.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dg3KF35GjZA&feature=related

Day 151 - Part 2 - I'm pumped.

OMGOMG. I'm officially addicted to THG.
Scratch that.
I'm officially OVERLY addicted to The Hunger Games. Just got back from watching it with Diana. How I love cinema's :3
On the one side, it was SO much better than I expected. Yes, they left out some stuff, but they added to the book too, and it was amazing.
On the other side, I was like "where did this go, where did that go, that was so important, GAH", but over all, good job Gamemakers ;)
So, yeah, I could go on forever and ever but I'd spoil just about everything... So I'll leave these two links to you guys <33

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RzhAS_GnJIc&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F0Rgn16362g

Day 151 - Part 1 - I'm so sorry.

Lin, please, PLEASE will you try to forgive me? I didn't mean to get mad at you. I didn't mean to say those things. I don't want to loose you.
Yesterday I went to bed realizing exactly what you mean to me. You keep me sane. You keep my feet on the ground, teach me and learn from me. You were the one to say things weren't getting better when I was down. Somehow, you know me inside out. And I DO love you... and need you.
I'm so scared. So afraid I'll never speak to you again, that my last moments with you were fighting, me crying my eyes out, being afraid you'll be gone when I wake up every day again.
I know you probably won't read this, but please, Lin, if you're still alive, PLEASE let me know.

"What did I do?"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Od0auj9jE8A&ob=av2e

"None of these words have been rehearsed, I don't think they can be reversed."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nb4KbEPWUw4&feature=autoplay&list=PL4AB908ED68EA04AF&lf=mh_lolz&playnext=3

Day 150 - Part 1 - When all I want to do is cry.

Close your eyes and listen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MJ1AGpL3Zx8&feature=autoplay&list=PLF52A51E2B08D4779&lf=mh_lolz&playnext=2

I'm so tired of everything. Schoolwork failing because of others, mom not making any solid plans to go to Dennis, out of inspiration, crying and exhausted. Why do all the things I want lie out of my reach?

Guess I just have to suck it up and go on. Or blame it on my period. But I'm tired of blaming too. Of blaming things, others, myself. Too tired to even bring myself to find an excuse, too tired to be dissapointed or sad. I'm just snapping out of it for a while. Oh, well.

At least there's still Dennis, making me smile even on days like today, Diana, helping me do my homework and going to the movies, Emi, hugging me, Lin, giving me the strength to go on, Jims, distracting my loaded mind, and Benne, talking me through the days.

Guess I always needed others. Guess that'll never change. And as long as there are other to help me, I'll love them and give them my all...

And I'll try to smile.

Day 148 - Part 1 - "I'll be there in a heartbeat."

SP - SP - SP

Simple Plan - Summer Paradise - Sean Paul

<33333333333333333333333

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CwZ_bmNbdAw

Oh yep. I like that :D

So, my room looks like a bomb exploded. I decided to clean up some. Of course, my cleaning up starts out with making things about 3 times worse... And giving up just after that. So now I'm working real hard to reveal my bed again, so I can sleep somewhere tonight. Ahem.

Homework is getting NOWHERE. I'm stuck at pretending to clean up, listening to music and redecorating my room... And chatting, of course ;)

I baked cakes with Barbara yesterday. For arts. Which is tomorrow. We spend hours in the kitchen, making the cakes and decorating them. Result: 2 funny-looking over-decorated cakes with tops cut off for tasting. Oh well, they still'll taste wonderful :D

I need to do a million things, but I'm so darn tired. Blaming the clock being moved an hour for today ;)

So I'll go on cleaning bubblewrapplastic and old posters, cakes and papers, books, schoolsupplies, computerstuff, fabrics of all kind, my fitting doll, tables and desks, some chairs and drawings and paintings and more mess. Wish me luck, I'd like my bed tonight :/

Day 146 - Part 1 - "Never takes the day for granted."

fun. is AWESOME.
You see for yourself (or, listen, really).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bWprhbbf53I&feature=BFa&list=PL32D788CD77009503&lf=mh_lolz

So, yeah. I guess I just had some slow days behing me. I should mail Tan for THG movie data... we're going with this huge group, which is REALLY awesome :D
And right now I'm off to the cinema with my dad... Movies all over :D

Day 144 - Part 2 - Sweaty.

I'm afraid I might be allergic to the sun :/
I've just returned from running, and I got all this weird rash all over my legs. Suckssuckssucks.
Oh well.
I just NEED a shower right now.

Day 144 - Part 1 - Neglect.

UGH, I've been terrible, not writing and all. Guess there's just not so much to say.

I've been online pretty much all week. Chatting with Dennis, gsm, skype with Lin, ppg with Benne.

Benne is the kind of guy that just seems to be pure. I don't run into those kind of people all too often, but I'm always happy when I do. The kind of person that looks so much like themselfs, it's almost impossible NOT to like them. The kind of people that don't suddenly change anymore.

And in it's own way, that brings up great conversations. I admit, they're not always too light-headed, not at all, but they leave me content and, well, almost happy, I guess. And that's a real good thing.

And on Benne's request, listen to this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-bYek22eD18

I'll be off now, there's this awesome movie (Winter's Bone) about to start on tv.

How I love Film1 :D

Day 141 - Part 1 - Letters.

In an old shoeox somewhere deep inside my wadrobe is a stack of letters. Directed to some special people I don't know yet. But I will know them. One day.
So today I wrote a new letter. And I will write more. I just know that.
I can't believe how tiring crying is :O How do you people keep up with it, crying every week orso? I mean, the energy it takes me to set free three tears makes me wanna crash on the sofa, let alone a full heads-on crying fit. How do you guys cry every week and not want to go to sleep every chance you get? :O
Oh my wow. I'm one big emotional wreckage today. Gotta finish my homework before my mom gets mad. And take off my heels. But I'm too tired to move more than just my hands.
I need sleep.
DESPERATELY.
Good thing this week's full of super short days.

Day 137 - Part 1 - Proud of me.

There's a huge stash of homework for tomorrow waiting for me on my desk, I probably failed my French test big time, I still need to work on some big insufficients, I haven't played the piano in a week and I'm slightly teary from the aftermath of writing down my story yesterday, but that doesn't matter. Because I'm so proud of me.
I just got back from running. And then I mean the running-in-the-woods-for-workout kind, not the hurry-hurry-hurry-I'm-so-late kind. I came home today, thinking "I'll be inside all day, and today's a wonderful day, lets enjoy it." I did.
I don't do sports, if you didn't figure that out yet. I cycle to school and back every day, and have PE in school, but I just don't do sports, and I want to change that. Not because I need to lose weight (god, no, I should gain some), not for the extra muscles (with WOULD help in the process of gaining weight), not even because I don't like my figure (I usually kinda love it). Because my physical condition is so low I start vomiting after 6 minutes of real running (almost did in class last Monday) and because I want to be able to get home happy instead of tired from walking stairs and cycling. And, honestly, I would like to not be picked last in PE anymore.
It feels great. I ran about 3 km, with some bits of walking and a break around the middle. It took me about half an hour (proving how bad my condition is), but it couldn't matter less. I finally get what people mean when they say sporting makes you happy. Because, to me, it almost does.
I did find out the weakest link in my body is still my left knee. It was twisted some time ago, I thing about a year by now, and it doesn't hurt or anything, but I do notice it's more vunerable than my other. Oh well, it'll strenghten. I'm planning on making this a weekly thing, for Thursdays are my short days in school anyways, but lets first just see if I make next week. I know myself, I'm not the one to keep up sports.
I cycled home in this sort of daze, though. It's my state of near-happiness, a peaceful look on my face, enjoying the weather and the tiny miracles around me. A butterfly flying in front of my face, a bird singing over my head, people smiling at me and the beauty of imperfection.
And now I need to go take a shower like crazy, because sweat makes me stink.

Day 136 - Part 1 - Butterflies in my head.

I'm so freaking tired. I;ve got a hard time keeping my eyes open, sleep too few, fail in school.
I'm working on things, though. Brought my drawing in for arts, which was due a month ago and I faked losing it because I didn't finish it, did history homework I had to catch up on, asked for a copy of "The Book Thief", so I can finish my English essay. I did my extra work for French and working on my history file and the story that goes with it and Origin. I write down all the homework I get, even though it's unneccesary or already finished.
And it never seems enough. New work streams in, insufficients stack themselves, more tasks follow and teachers never seem happy. My legs hurt, my eyes drop, I drag myself through schooldays and cry without tears at night. And all the while, my head's full of butterflies.
I know butterflies are supposed to be in my belly, and they are, but I mean my thoughts are stuck on them. With my art project, we're doing something with themes, and long story short, I'm making butterflies and wishes. So I'm thinking about what I can do, how I can make a drawing look like a butterfly, and when I'm stuck, I just see all these bright colours and shapes and they kinda look like butterflies... And I'm thinking it might be hallucinations and me having the flu or something, if it weren't for the fact I am a 100% sure it's not.
Maybe it's just an overdosis writing on vamp stories and shapes of souls and the enormous lack of sleep.

Day 131 - Part 1 - Sick but happy.

I just figured out why I've been feeling like crap all week. I think I'm being sick. Headache, stomacheache, tired muscles and a foggy mind. I'm not sure, though. I'm not used to being sick, and I don't really knows how it feels. Which, in itself, is a pretty odd sensation too.
And I think crying just tears me down. I mean the real kind of crying, the one that comes with sobs and biting your hand and snotty noses and puffy eyes. Not saying that other kinds of crying are fake, but I can't really trust myself with quietly crying. So, this morning, I cried myself out in class. And for the first time, I didn't even slightly are that people could see me. To be honest, I was almost proud of being addressed in the hallway because my eyes were still red afterwards. But I do remember one thing I thought when I stepped out of the classroom: "Crying in my first period. What will the rest of the day bring?"
As it turns out, it was not that bad at all. I went to the wrong classroom for math, but the teacher was gone for the fist 10 minutes, so that didn't quite matter. Did no French homework and pretended I forgot my notebook AGAIN, and only got told I just have to hand in my extra work tomorrow. Reading for myself while the teacher dwells over stuff in English. Got out early.
Then I headed for town with my friend, who desparately wanted to still buy me a birthday present. So we went into this one store, hung about the jewelery, and just as we were on our way out, we hit the sunglasses-and-summerstuff stand, where I got these most amazing retro-hippie sunglasses :3
And my friend brought me a case for it and a supercute tiny bag with an adorable mixed tape print where even my mobile phone doesn't fit in, and she even payed for new fillings for my pencil. And we went to the market, and eat some real nice warm sandwitchthing at this supercute cafe, and strolled around on the market some more.
And now I'm waiting for my sister to be dropped of, freezing up here in my room and writing the groceryshoppinglist down, because I have to bring my sis to dance and do the foodshopping and I really, REALLY want Dennis to be online and to see his face and I want to talk to Lin and I wish the heaters worked properly so I wouldn't have to huddle in a blanket.
I also want a few minutes for myself, to calm down and breathe and read some and maybe sleep a bit. I still wonder when honeworl's gonna fit into the plan, for I have to do quite some stuff and have a test tomorrow on which I haven't even started yet.
Whoohoo. -.-'

Day 127 - Part 2 - Close your eyes.

But open your heart. <3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&v=kC3XtTdw3GQ&NR=1