Day 246 - Part 1 - So sleepy

Here's to nosebleeds that wake you up in the middle of the night with a smudged face and bloody covers.
Yep, I had another one. There's blood sprayed all over my hand for some reason and I look like a creepy murderer. I should REALLY get it checked out. :/
The last few days were so busy, learning and making tests and trying to get a moment or 2 of calm in.
And my parents finally made a plan for the summer holidays: windsufing in France! :D
We have 2 boards, 3 sails, wetsuits and stuff and all of the other things we need c:
I'm really excited. And Lin and Jims and me are gonna have an epic sleepover somewhere soon, but I'll update with a big post later because it's 4 am and I'm so freaking tired. D:

Day 241 - Part 1 - Freaking out and making tests.

Though Matt tells me to make out and freak tests... If only I had someone to make out with.
Anyways, I've got this really creepy thing going on with my body but I REALLY don't dare to go to the doctor so I'll just die, that's fine. 'Cause if it is what I hope it isn't and it doesn't get treated I will die. Oh well.
I had to get up early because I had to babysit my little sister and her friend, so my mom came to wake me up and she was like "get up now" and I was like "but I can rule this place from my bed" and then she yelled "Marie Antoinette" at me and we sang songs very loud and out of tune and it was just great. n_n
And I had an English test and it went really well and then Emi and I spend some time just talking. Which we should do more, because that's just amazing.
And Matt and I talked a lot, and I forgot my meds in the morning so I was REALLY hyper (sorry about that) but it was nice. ^^
I had this job interview thing at the Wereldwinkel, which is some kind of charity/fairtrade organisation, with two, well, charity ladies (you know, not too young, not dressed all too fancy, the charity type) and they were super hyper enthusiastic about a 15-year old helping them out and it was so funny and they were really happy to have me and Im mega excited to start working there in a week. :D
And now it's 11.30 and I'm fucking (sorry Matt) tired and tomorrow's the Nepal thing at school so I should get some sleep. Good night y'all.

Ps, I'm totally in a Nicolas Sparks mood rn, just watched The Notebook and I wanna watch it again and again so I'm glad I have it on dvd. ^^

Day 240 - Part 1 - Yay for nosebleeds... Again.

I was just rinsing my teeth after brushing and this one drop of blood fell down and I was like "oh that's just my teeth" and I looked up into the mirror and my entire face (from the nose down) was just covered in blood, I'm not kidding, it was fucking creepy.
I should probably have that checked out somewhere soon. Along with something else, but I'll talk to Emi about that tomorrow. I basicly just need het to say everything will be alright and I shouldn't worry because I need to focus on my test, and after that she can go freak out and tell me to go to first aid or the hospital or something but I NEED to get a sufficient for my test because I'm pretty much failing this year at the moment.
And I feel like that guy in "She's the man" (for those who don't know the movie, this one girl takes her brother's place in an all-boys school and it's really funny) when one of the guys asks her why she has tampons with her and she's going like "it works great when you have a nosebleed" and one time she walks into the room and the guy has a tampon stuffed up his nose and she gets a heartattack because I've got this rolled-up tissue sticking out of my nose and it looks absolutely ridiculous.
And that sentence was too long. So Matt, who's sentence was longer, yours or mine? 'Cause I keep losing track when I count lines.

Day 238 - Part 1 - Phonepost.

I honestly didn't know blogspot has an app, but it's really cool and I can update my blog on my phone now, yay! :D
So today was my first test of the week, French, and it wasn't that bad. I understood most of it and I could sleep in (HUGE plus).
This weekend was really cool. ^^
Ali congratzzzz! Aww, you're so cute ;)
Alice came over Friday, we went to her place for a sleepover and I convinced to set up a date with this one boy and Ali you're a really cute emergency back-up boyfriend. <3
And Sunday was so lazy, omg. I got at like 12, finished breakfast at around 1.30 and by 4.30 I started learning, I did so few yesterday, I love that.
And I got myself a CD from Jimmy Eat World, it's so good, been on replay for 2 days now, I love it so much. <3
My mom told me to get some german newspaper or something to practise for my test next Friday, so I went by all these shops and none had gernam newspapers and I almost gave up the hope when I cycled past this really cute second-hand bookshop which is like totally overpacked with books and I decided I want a house like that when I grow up, with bookshelves everywhere and books covering the ground and everything.
Anyways, I found two books so I went to pay for them and the man behind the counter (which was totally covered with books as well) looked me up and down and looked at the two books and he went like "that's 5 euros" but it was actually 7 so I payed and I walked out feeling all like people aren't that bad around here.

Day 233 - Part 1 - Offlineness.

So I have been and will be pretty offline and I won't update for some time, testweek's coming and I NEED to get my grades up. I really don't want to fail this year :/
Anyways, today I slept in. And I dodn't like it, which is a first. My dad came waking me at 11.30, and I was all like 'cmon it's Saturday, I don't want to get up yet. Then I realised it's NOT Saturday, and I actually slept through my first 3 periods. And missed my 4th because I still had to make breakfast and get dressed and cycle to school. Ugh, and it were OF COURSE the very last lessons of teachers I really like and surely won't have next year, because one of the topics is just a trial for a year and the other teacher turned 65. Which sucks, because I like them both a lot. I just hope I won't get in trouble for it.
Gotta keep up the good work, back to studying now.

Day 230 - Part 1 - Drowned kitty.

Yesterday was so lazy, omg. I haven't even gotten out of bed, except for food.
And then today, back to school. I feel like a drowned kitty tight now, it's terrible, I'm totally soaked.
And test week's coming, YAY. This week is so cramped, unbelievable, all these tests and reports to hand in and such. And then next week my last week of school, filled with tests and exams, and I don't even have the dates ready yet. GREAT planning, school. -.-'
I should go learn but I really can't be bothered atm. I;m clod and wet and tired and we had this stupid lecture so I just got home at 6 and it's raining and OF COURSE I got the worst of it, soaked within 2 minutes, and I'm hungry and moody and ranting and all I wanna do is go read a book and listen to music and chat with Matt and Brandon and Rae and Lin and Jims and some more people. Fuck this.

Day 229 - Part 1 - Matt's like Sleeping Beauty.

Seriousely. I threw him a pillow and he goes to sleep. And he woke up like half an hour ago, omg -.-'
So it's 3.30 in the morning, I'm freaking hyper and actually very happy. Really.
Matt's told me to just keep busy and not give my mind time to think, and that paid out.
If I would've played as much piano as I did the last few days in my first years, I would've been a famous concert pianist by now, I'm not kidding you. 5 hours on Friday, about 3 to 4 today, and I've gto learning a new song planned in for tomorrow, with searching for the chords (that is, findung them out on the piano) myself. Yep, got my head busy, for one. ^^
I'm kind of paranoid at the moment tho, if my parents wake up they'll kill me and take the computer and ground me for at least a month. Good thing they're not known for randomly jumoing out of bed in the middle of the night.
I should go to sleep tho. Won't get out of bed tomorrow and I have a million things to do. Wish me luck.
G'night y'all. ;)

Day 226 - Part 2 - Finding peace

Lets just remember the great stuff, 'kay?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y313hNAtTbw

Day 226 - Part 1 - Troubleshooting.

So I'm totally not in the mood for typing, but I haven't typed in ages, so I'll just write you guys someting.
Here's the thing. My sister's class is getting totally fucked up, which the principal promised not to do, but like all the kids are being victimized, really. Which totally sucks. And I know what it's like to feel unsafe in school. Fuck, I'm afraid for her.
Oh, and Dennis broke up. Tears all over, of course. My contacts got all muddled, thay can't stand the emotional version of me. ;)
Somehow, it's not as bad as I thought. I mean, I was sad and then very numb and now I'm just fucking tired, but I'm still somehow able to smile. I mean, I knew this was coming, right? I always knew, somewere deep down, that it wasn't going to last. At least I know it was real. And that is more than I can say about the past six years.
Dennis brought me back to life, now I've got to learn how to live it.

Day 223 - Part 1 - A little touch of heavenly light.

I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry for yesterday. I had a crappy mood, and I know that's absolutely no excuse for taking it out on you, but I'm sorry.
Just so you know, I'm not slipping back. I'm alive and I'm gonna stay alive, even if I don't always realise that. Unless some car drives me over, ofcourse ;)
So first things first.
Rae, I'm terribly sorry for taking things out on you. I shouldn't do that, it's not your fault and it was bad of me to do that. I'm sorry.
Lin, sorry for being selfish. Not everything is about me, I know, and I keep subjecting things to myself. I'm sorry.
Dennis, sorry for being grumpy and annoyed. Of course we're supposed to be able to talk about those things without me totally freaking out. I was being a bitch and I'm really, REALLY sorry about that.
And I guess I just calmed down in general. I did some school work, doing some impossible puzzle thing rn, and looking into a dress I promised to make for Emi which I added to my task list. Waiting for replies on my apps for charity work. Yep, I'm on the way up again.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ROtBbOcdFxo&ob=av2n

Day 222 - Part 2 - Tears.

Almost there. At least I know I still have feelings, yay.
I was watching SYTYD USA, and this song came up. Instant replay for now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BJjLlEBQ8ww

Day 222 - Part 1 - I don't even know how to feel anymore.

I mean, haven't we been over this a million times before? It's not like I haven't been lying awake for nights at end wondering about the exact some thing, trying to figure it out. Just don't keep me holding on to a dead end, okay? Because that would pretty much just suck.
Yeah, I had a pretty crappy day. And then again, it was a nice day too. Confused feelings all over, ugh. Sofie was staying over for the night, AMAZING SLEEPOVER, rawr. We went to see Snowwhite and the Huntsman, and seriousely thought about breaking into the cinema and putting it on instant replay all night long. We would've known it by heart in the morning, hehe. It's a really, REALLY awesome movie. You should all go see it.
And then after helping her getting into the right train, I went to go help Pauline with her homework. We didn't really do that much homework, though I made a list of "How to learn" for her, and we talked. About heavy stuff. About my being bullied and bursting into tears at school because it's just so hard and idk, sometimes it seems impossible to do anything right.
I mean, I KNOW i should be making my homework right now, learning for German and such, because I'll just do something to myself if I fail German, and this school year, and not get into the pre-programme of the art academy I want to go to when I finish school, but I just can't get myself to push things aside and concentrate. I just have too much on my plate right now, none of which I can put in my box of things I worry about but don't concern me, none of which will be any easier when solved. I'm getting stuck on my list of tasks because there's too much to do to even think about them, Lin won't talk to me anymore, it almost feels like I'm slipping back into a depression though I'm sure I just won't. I won't let myself. But I'm afraid I'm losing ways of stopping it from happening.