zaterdag 29 september 2012
Day 341 - Part 1 - What I forgot to tell you.
I am happy.
Really, truly happy. Even though I have my bad moments where I think I might lose myself, I'm really happy. I've been cycling around with a huge grin on my face for weeks now, and sometimes I look like I've lost my mind, but that's alright.
I don't really know why I'm happy, though. Not that I'm complaining. ;)
I guess things are just looking up, and I'm glad I'm feeling happy. I still think it's difficult to let people in, but it's getting easier.
And now I have to go, I'm going off the Scotland for a week and my bags aren't fully packed yet. Seeyou guys in a week :D
dinsdag 25 september 2012
Day 337 - Part 1 - Like whoa.
It's been ages since I've written last. I could say that's because I'm busy or because I don't want to or because my days are a boring routine of the same things anyways (which they are), but the truth is that I don't really need it anymore. Blogging is still a way to express me, and I think I will keep doing it, especially because I'm so close to a year, but I've learned to handle myself.
I've come so far since I started blogging. I want to go all gooey "look at me being shrink and getting somewhere", but I'll save that for the actual year mark.
Plus I'm not in a gooey mood. I'm actually crying.
The thing is, I'm mouch more daring. I open up, I let people in, I trust. But I still don't dare to fall in love unless I'm sure the love will be returned. And I hate that. I'm still scared, so scared, of getting hurt, that even though my mind tells me I like someone, I tell myself it's a lie, that I don't, that I just pretend to. And I just know that I will not let myself fall unless I'm sure there will be someone to catch me.
I've got serious problems, and I jus can't handle it anymore. I can't handle being afraid of liking someone, and I can't handle the way I automatically tell myself I don't like him, and not be able to stop it.
I'm afraid that one day, I can't handle myself anymore, that my mind will take over my actions and not let me decide, if you get what I mean.
I'm afraid that after all I've been through, after losing everything around me but staying myself, I will lose myself while everyone around me stays the same. And that is what gets to me most;
zondag 16 september 2012
Day 328 - Part 1 - Please let me smile
Ugh, I hate it when my mood changes like this. Just two hours ago I was really happy, and now all I can do is cry.
Which sucks.
You know, I just realized, I can't remember the last time I woke up feeling beautiful. I've been so busy ith so many things that it's been so long since I've had the time to be happy with myself. It's too long ago.
And it's starting to break me down.
I kinda want to jump off a roof but not quite yet.
And I don't think I ever will.
Which sucks.
You know, I just realized, I can't remember the last time I woke up feeling beautiful. I've been so busy ith so many things that it's been so long since I've had the time to be happy with myself. It's too long ago.
And it's starting to break me down.
I kinda want to jump off a roof but not quite yet.
And I don't think I ever will.
zaterdag 15 september 2012
Day 327 - Part 3 - Yay, tears!
Well I guess it's all becoming a little too much for me. The homework, the art academy, the collection if clothes, the grades I want to keep high, the mental stress and the figuring things out.
I think it is though. Because I'm crying.
The last time I cried must have been months ago, if I don't count the automatic tearattack I get when I talk about the bullying and stuff.
I'm just overloaded. Mentally as well as physically.
I'm sorry for people talking to me, I'm no kind of nice and cozy today.
I think it is though. Because I'm crying.
The last time I cried must have been months ago, if I don't count the automatic tearattack I get when I talk about the bullying and stuff.
I'm just overloaded. Mentally as well as physically.
I'm sorry for people talking to me, I'm no kind of nice and cozy today.
Day 327 - Part 2 - Sidestepping
So, apart from me ranting over a million things, there are other - happier - parts. Or at least sort of happier.
http://www.wattpad.com/story/2054222-this-could-be-the-story-of-a-hero
^read that. I've been working on it for quite some time now, it's really fun to write. And it helps me find all these great new artists because I try to find a fitting song with each chapter so I go all over youtube and listen to stuff.
I think I might be falling in love. Maybe a little. I don't know, it's confusing and probably really messed up and hopeless, so I'm trying not to fall in love. I don't like getting hurt, which is why I don't really let people in. I hope that can change though. For now, I just need to figure out wether I'm in love or not.
Probably not though. I would know if I am, wouldn't I?
http://www.wattpad.com/story/2054222-this-could-be-the-story-of-a-hero
^read that. I've been working on it for quite some time now, it's really fun to write. And it helps me find all these great new artists because I try to find a fitting song with each chapter so I go all over youtube and listen to stuff.
I think I might be falling in love. Maybe a little. I don't know, it's confusing and probably really messed up and hopeless, so I'm trying not to fall in love. I don't like getting hurt, which is why I don't really let people in. I hope that can change though. For now, I just need to figure out wether I'm in love or not.
Probably not though. I would know if I am, wouldn't I?
Day 327 - Part 1 - The living stress machine
A conversation between my mom and I just now:
Mom: "You going?"
Me: "Yep."
"Want another piece of chocolate?"
"Nope."
"Are you mad?"
"Yep."
She should be alarmed IN THE LEAST. I can tell you, there's something really wrong if I decline the offer of chocolate.
The thing is, I was washing the dishes and she was drying and all she did was nag and nag and nag that pan weren't clean and I was way to slow, and at some point I was like "Well all you do is nag!" and she was like "I'm only trying to help you, but I guess you don't want help". Which, in itself, isn't that bad, because my mom can be really childish at times, but she's forcing me to go visit some sort of great-aunt or something tomorrow and she knows I hate it because I have absolutely no connection with that woman at all and there's just too much homework for me to not stay home, so I already was mad at my mom. Add to that the lack of sleep I've had, the frustration about trains not driving and me being late everywhere, the stress at school and the lack of sugar and you get a very easily set off very, very angry Luzz.
Yay. -.-'
It's not like I enjoy being mad at people. I know why I'm mad and I know what's wrong, I just can't seem to change any of it. I just can't stop being mad and frustrated and annoyed and tired and sad and what else.
UGH, I'm like a living stress machine.
Mom: "You going?"
Me: "Yep."
"Want another piece of chocolate?"
"Nope."
"Are you mad?"
"Yep."
She should be alarmed IN THE LEAST. I can tell you, there's something really wrong if I decline the offer of chocolate.
The thing is, I was washing the dishes and she was drying and all she did was nag and nag and nag that pan weren't clean and I was way to slow, and at some point I was like "Well all you do is nag!" and she was like "I'm only trying to help you, but I guess you don't want help". Which, in itself, isn't that bad, because my mom can be really childish at times, but she's forcing me to go visit some sort of great-aunt or something tomorrow and she knows I hate it because I have absolutely no connection with that woman at all and there's just too much homework for me to not stay home, so I already was mad at my mom. Add to that the lack of sleep I've had, the frustration about trains not driving and me being late everywhere, the stress at school and the lack of sugar and you get a very easily set off very, very angry Luzz.
Yay. -.-'
It's not like I enjoy being mad at people. I know why I'm mad and I know what's wrong, I just can't seem to change any of it. I just can't stop being mad and frustrated and annoyed and tired and sad and what else.
UGH, I'm like a living stress machine.
maandag 10 september 2012
Day 322 - Part 1 - Writing.
Whoa. I just realized I haven't updated in ages.
As for my physical contition: things are better. I'm still stressed and pretty dead, but I'm holding up alright. Homework's getting easier to deal with, too.
My days are pretty much a constant blur of school, trying to get enough sleep, waking up early, school, homework, more school and a little writing.
Wattpad's amazing. (wattpad.com, I'm Luzzie) I've been updating my story on there, and it's really awesome to have people read it and comment and read other stories and chat and such. I love it.
I've been trying to sneak some fashion into the mix but it's not easy keeping it up. At least I have a director who'll arrange the meet-ups and stuff, and most of my models. I just need to get the dresses working out, that's all.
And I LOVE art academy, it's amazingamazingamazing. More about that later, my parents'd kill me if they knew I'm still up. ;)
As for my physical contition: things are better. I'm still stressed and pretty dead, but I'm holding up alright. Homework's getting easier to deal with, too.
My days are pretty much a constant blur of school, trying to get enough sleep, waking up early, school, homework, more school and a little writing.
Wattpad's amazing. (wattpad.com, I'm Luzzie) I've been updating my story on there, and it's really awesome to have people read it and comment and read other stories and chat and such. I love it.
I've been trying to sneak some fashion into the mix but it's not easy keeping it up. At least I have a director who'll arrange the meet-ups and stuff, and most of my models. I just need to get the dresses working out, that's all.
And I LOVE art academy, it's amazingamazingamazing. More about that later, my parents'd kill me if they knew I'm still up. ;)
maandag 3 september 2012
Day 315 - Part 1 - Feeling like crap
School started out pretty okay, really. I mean, lots of homework and long days, but I was motivated. Now I'm a week in and I feel like I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown.
It's just too much. I have to be at school from 8 till 4, then homework till 6, mostly even later. I've had about 2 hours time for myself in the past week, and believe me, that's not a lot.
And I feel really ill. I mean, I probably should've stayed home today, but I can't really afford missing one day of school. I'm so tired, even though I sleep enough, I've got huge bags under my eyes and my eyes have that gazing stare in them I get when things are too much. I can't feel. When things become too much for me, I just shut down. Everything's gone. It's like when I've got too much to do, my mind turns off and I could be dead if not for the fact that my body still functions. It's pretty creepy, really.
Anyways, I guess writing really helps. I'm on Wattpad, which is some amazing site to share stories and read other people's stories, and it takes my mind of things. I think that's a good thing, right?
It's just too much. I have to be at school from 8 till 4, then homework till 6, mostly even later. I've had about 2 hours time for myself in the past week, and believe me, that's not a lot.
And I feel really ill. I mean, I probably should've stayed home today, but I can't really afford missing one day of school. I'm so tired, even though I sleep enough, I've got huge bags under my eyes and my eyes have that gazing stare in them I get when things are too much. I can't feel. When things become too much for me, I just shut down. Everything's gone. It's like when I've got too much to do, my mind turns off and I could be dead if not for the fact that my body still functions. It's pretty creepy, really.
Anyways, I guess writing really helps. I'm on Wattpad, which is some amazing site to share stories and read other people's stories, and it takes my mind of things. I think that's a good thing, right?
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