http://www.pacerteensagainstbullying.org/#/sign-the-petition
Sign this. It will make me so happy, you would never know.
I didn't want to write a lot today, so tomorrow, there'll be loads more. Just listen to this song for now. Tomorrow, I'll explain why it's so beautyful. For now, just close your eyes and feel.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DRJfO78kfHM&feature=related
dinsdag 29 november 2011
maandag 28 november 2011
Day 27 - Part 2 - Mail meh.
Yeah. So I guess I'm sort of lonely, and I just like mail. I did put my e-mail address up above, but you might not have seen it. So, just to clarify:
If you have anyquestions, remarks, or if you just want to talk to me, you can mail justluzzie@hotmail.com ^^
If you have anyquestions, remarks, or if you just want to talk to me, you can mail justluzzie@hotmail.com ^^
Day 27 - Part 1 - Headdaches and exam stress.
School. Gah. I hate school quite a lot. I was late for just about half a second, the teacher didn't even start yet when I came in, but before that I had to get a note. Can it even sound more childish? -.-' So now I have to wake up at 6.00 for the coming three days, just for being late half a second. How I can hate pointless rules, unbelievable.
Today we had boxing in gym class. I like it, that's not the point, but I do have some complications. Like my glasses. I did take them off in the end, because getting hot woth my glasses on means broken glasses and a face that hurts even more. The only problem is, I'm so freaking blind that I can't even see anything sharp that isn't within 10 cm of my face. I only knew who to hit by the colour of the shrt, and even then I was confused. And the gym seems SO much bigger. I really get dizzy if I take them off. So, fine, me and this other girl practise, and then we fight, and yay - sufficient. But this other girl, she had an insufficient, so I helped her out by boxing with her. I mean, that's just obvious to me. She needs help, and I can provide it. And I do so.
The only thing I wasn't prepared for was that she'd listen to me. Her problem was that she didn't attack, and if she did, she was afraid to hurt me. So I was all like "Nah, just hit me as hard as you can, don't wait for me to hit first, I'll let you know if you really did hurt me." And I took the blows. All of them, basicly. See, that's my problem. I'm too small. So small, that both the girls could keep me at half their armlength and I still can't reach them. So this secong girl wasn't prepard for me coming close enough to hit her too, and she just punched me full in the face.
And there came the automatic reaction. I mean, it didn't hurt, really, it was just momentarily and not THAT hard, I was just shocked a moment. But she hit me right in the eye, so I started crying and my voice got all thinck and stuff. And I'm like trying to smile through the tears, telling her it's allright, nothing's wrong, but I did need a break. And the teacher was all like "If you want to you can go to the bathroom, but be back in time." Dork.
And guess what? I still only got a sufficient. I used all the techniques they learned us, I've been present, I tried hard, I was sweating all the time, and usually too tired to go to class after gym. I took a voluentary second match, got the hardest blow in class, and was ready to continue as soon as I put some water on it. He's such a dork. Really.
Anyways, the rest of classes was quite the usual. Boring stuff, nothing to come in for, nothing to keep you from going, seeing the consequences. And then there was my history exam. Which was a personal hell. Quite literally. It's a full one and a half hour writing, writing and more writing. And finding out that your teacher decided to pretand it's not so much of a big deal, and that the exam is about 10 times harder than expected. and it's needing a sugerboost to stay awake and sharp, while I normally need a suger breakdown. It's terrible. And it's my life.
Today we had boxing in gym class. I like it, that's not the point, but I do have some complications. Like my glasses. I did take them off in the end, because getting hot woth my glasses on means broken glasses and a face that hurts even more. The only problem is, I'm so freaking blind that I can't even see anything sharp that isn't within 10 cm of my face. I only knew who to hit by the colour of the shrt, and even then I was confused. And the gym seems SO much bigger. I really get dizzy if I take them off. So, fine, me and this other girl practise, and then we fight, and yay - sufficient. But this other girl, she had an insufficient, so I helped her out by boxing with her. I mean, that's just obvious to me. She needs help, and I can provide it. And I do so.
The only thing I wasn't prepared for was that she'd listen to me. Her problem was that she didn't attack, and if she did, she was afraid to hurt me. So I was all like "Nah, just hit me as hard as you can, don't wait for me to hit first, I'll let you know if you really did hurt me." And I took the blows. All of them, basicly. See, that's my problem. I'm too small. So small, that both the girls could keep me at half their armlength and I still can't reach them. So this secong girl wasn't prepard for me coming close enough to hit her too, and she just punched me full in the face.
And there came the automatic reaction. I mean, it didn't hurt, really, it was just momentarily and not THAT hard, I was just shocked a moment. But she hit me right in the eye, so I started crying and my voice got all thinck and stuff. And I'm like trying to smile through the tears, telling her it's allright, nothing's wrong, but I did need a break. And the teacher was all like "If you want to you can go to the bathroom, but be back in time." Dork.
And guess what? I still only got a sufficient. I used all the techniques they learned us, I've been present, I tried hard, I was sweating all the time, and usually too tired to go to class after gym. I took a voluentary second match, got the hardest blow in class, and was ready to continue as soon as I put some water on it. He's such a dork. Really.
Anyways, the rest of classes was quite the usual. Boring stuff, nothing to come in for, nothing to keep you from going, seeing the consequences. And then there was my history exam. Which was a personal hell. Quite literally. It's a full one and a half hour writing, writing and more writing. And finding out that your teacher decided to pretand it's not so much of a big deal, and that the exam is about 10 times harder than expected. and it's needing a sugerboost to stay awake and sharp, while I normally need a suger breakdown. It's terrible. And it's my life.
zondag 27 november 2011
Day 26 - Part 5 - Sometimes I imagine.
Sometimes I imagine
My dreams coming true
All the luck and successes
And most importantly, you.
I like to believe
Dreams aren’t just dreams
That my love will be pure
And nothing is what it seems.
All the wishes within me
Made from happiness and pain
I know they won’t come true
Though hope will remain.
If you could see through me
To look for my strength
Look closely and you’ll see
My strength is in pain.
Even when I’m happy
Even if I smile or laugh
My thoughts still linger
On the pain from above.
And still I can see hope
Woven in with the pain of a day
Dreams of happiness form
The hurt is far away.
I close my eyes and all I see
Are images of love.
But no matter how much
I need you and I want you
My dreams are just dreams
And dreams don’t come true.
Please don't steal D:
My dreams coming true
All the luck and successes
And most importantly, you.
I like to believe
Dreams aren’t just dreams
That my love will be pure
And nothing is what it seems.
All the wishes within me
Made from happiness and pain
I know they won’t come true
Though hope will remain.
If you could see through me
To look for my strength
Look closely and you’ll see
My strength is in pain.
Even when I’m happy
Even if I smile or laugh
My thoughts still linger
On the pain from above.
And still I can see hope
Woven in with the pain of a day
Dreams of happiness form
The hurt is far away.
I close my eyes and all I see
Are images of love.
But no matter how much
I need you and I want you
My dreams are just dreams
And dreams don’t come true.
Please don't steal D:
Day 26 - Part 3 - You'd say gross.
My favorite snack (when my parents aren't watching) is nutella ad peanutbutter in a mini-bowl. Just mix and you're ready to eat ^^
It's like peanuts with chocolate, only then more fluid. And it looks absolutely disgusting...
It's like peanuts with chocolate, only then more fluid. And it looks absolutely disgusting...
Day 26 - Part 2 - Movies and Unfairness.
The Experiment
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JlUkzfITiSs
That's what I watched yesterday. My entire family sort of got REALLY quiet, and I don't feel like eating anymore somewhere around 30 mintures in. It's a movie that really gets in your head. Terrible. But recommendable.
If you have either a weak stomache, a very compassionate feeling towards others (like me), or don't like people being broken down - mental or physical - I recomment you to definitely NOT watch it. It's the kind of movie you'd regret not having seen, but you wish you hadn't seen it. (Just like Hard Candy, btw, that one's not really something for a 'lets-go-watch-a-fun-movie' attitude either. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a-C2H4ipxz0 It's like, he's the boss, you feel bad for her, and then she's the boss, and you feel bad for him. The end, though, is horrifying. Just because it's SO freaking unexpected.)
And Dennis, yes, you ARE unfair. Even if you believe you're absolutely right, it's still unfair. My hair isn't always perfect. Nor am I the nicest person ever. But there's just no way of convincing you of something else...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JlUkzfITiSs
That's what I watched yesterday. My entire family sort of got REALLY quiet, and I don't feel like eating anymore somewhere around 30 mintures in. It's a movie that really gets in your head. Terrible. But recommendable.
If you have either a weak stomache, a very compassionate feeling towards others (like me), or don't like people being broken down - mental or physical - I recomment you to definitely NOT watch it. It's the kind of movie you'd regret not having seen, but you wish you hadn't seen it. (Just like Hard Candy, btw, that one's not really something for a 'lets-go-watch-a-fun-movie' attitude either. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a-C2H4ipxz0 It's like, he's the boss, you feel bad for her, and then she's the boss, and you feel bad for him. The end, though, is horrifying. Just because it's SO freaking unexpected.)
And Dennis, yes, you ARE unfair. Even if you believe you're absolutely right, it's still unfair. My hair isn't always perfect. Nor am I the nicest person ever. But there's just no way of convincing you of something else...
Day 26 - Part 1 - Lucy meets world.
Hah. Counter-attack on you, Jimmy ^^
Guys, check out her blog. She's amazing ^^
http://lucymeetsworld.tumblr.com/
Guys, check out her blog. She's amazing ^^
http://lucymeetsworld.tumblr.com/
zaterdag 26 november 2011
Day 25 - Part 3 - Mama,
we all go to hell.
Only a genius can think of those lyrics.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XAcj_armFos&feature=related
Oh, and these two <3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=byVA-YfNxds
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U4nXAx_av3o
Only a genius can think of those lyrics.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XAcj_armFos&feature=related
Oh, and these two <3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=byVA-YfNxds
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U4nXAx_av3o
Day 25 - Part 2 - Crazy ideas and more compliments.
Jimmy is now OFFICIALLY crazy. We have absolutely no life, the two of us, spending day and night at the computer, so we decided we needed a hobby. And guess what she said? Astronauts!
" Then we can go to the moon when we're bored :D"
Really girl, you convinced me now... -.-'
So I wondered if we don't need some kind of space ship for that, and her answer was: We build one! But there's money for material, so that's no option. Then we steal one! she says. And where? She doesn't know. We either need another hobby or some real good plans... I'd go for the second one.
Then. Compliments. Dennis is being sweet again ^^
D: hmm I think I have found the greatest invention ever made
L: I am inverntd?
D: Okay you are the greatest person who has ever been born
L: Butbutbut... That's you already D:
D: D: Oh no can't be
L: Why not?
D: because it is you
Well, that went on for some time, and eventually, I gave up. There's no way fighting him when he's convinced. Or when he's being this kind...
And then Adriana came in on gsm, telling me I'm doing interesting things. You guys are making my day perfect <3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QzlNFcT2aOE
Isn't that guy with the tatoos super, SUPER cute? :D
(Yesh, I still am an absolute girl... Point proven. -.-')
" Then we can go to the moon when we're bored :D"
Really girl, you convinced me now... -.-'
So I wondered if we don't need some kind of space ship for that, and her answer was: We build one! But there's money for material, so that's no option. Then we steal one! she says. And where? She doesn't know. We either need another hobby or some real good plans... I'd go for the second one.
Then. Compliments. Dennis is being sweet again ^^
D: hmm I think I have found the greatest invention ever made
L: I am inverntd?
D: Okay you are the greatest person who has ever been born
L: Butbutbut... That's you already D:
D: D: Oh no can't be
L: Why not?
D: because it is you
Well, that went on for some time, and eventually, I gave up. There's no way fighting him when he's convinced. Or when he's being this kind...
And then Adriana came in on gsm, telling me I'm doing interesting things. You guys are making my day perfect <3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QzlNFcT2aOE
Isn't that guy with the tatoos super, SUPER cute? :D
(Yesh, I still am an absolute girl... Point proven. -.-')
Day 25 - Part 1 - Compliments from the nicest guy ever.
you know my parents keeping me inside all day does have one advantage
I met you :)
you gave me hope and joy :)
and the bestest friend ever <3
Yup. I like Dennis ^^
Oh, and the rest of my day is cleaning my room and learning for my history exam... *dies*
Gah. Hell loads of work you guys, not gonna write much today, sorry D:
I met you :)
you gave me hope and joy :)
and the bestest friend ever <3
Yup. I like Dennis ^^
Oh, and the rest of my day is cleaning my room and learning for my history exam... *dies*
Gah. Hell loads of work you guys, not gonna write much today, sorry D:
vrijdag 25 november 2011
Day 24 - Part 1 - Jimmy's Awesome ^^
"Just gonna stand there and watch me roar, but that's alright, because I am a dinosaur."
Yep. She just made my day better ^^
I like random quotes. Hold that, I LOVE them. Absolutely. So, Jimmy, thank you ^^
Dennis and I are having a weird conversation again. I think we skipped through about 10 topic in like 5 minutes or something like that, didn't we?
Oh, and compare this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2FMtxACKlYM&ob=av3n
To this ^^
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2FMtxACKlYM&ob=av3n
I prefer Guy ^^
Yep. She just made my day better ^^
I like random quotes. Hold that, I LOVE them. Absolutely. So, Jimmy, thank you ^^
Dennis and I are having a weird conversation again. I think we skipped through about 10 topic in like 5 minutes or something like that, didn't we?
Oh, and compare this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2FMtxACKlYM&ob=av3n
To this ^^
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2FMtxACKlYM&ob=av3n
I prefer Guy ^^
donderdag 24 november 2011
Day 23 - Part 2- Feeling better already.
It gives a whole lot of relief, letting go of my hatred. And the dentist told me my braces will only last maximum one more year. And I got new elastic bands. They hurt less ^^
Oh, and Emi, though it didn't help at all, thank you for the one-word talk. It does mean a lot to me.
DENNIS. Get online. You're not being nice, gone all day. So get over here, I wanna talk to you. Now, preferably.
On the way home, I thought of this little piece of tekst, and to be honest, I couldn't be pointing out my flaws any better.
She mutters "show-off" to herself, closes her eyes to the oportunities she most wanted and holds on way too tightly. She unwillingly decides to give up on her dreams. But in the end, she'll be the one to survive the blows, no matter how painful or deathly they are. She's been made tough.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gS9o1FAszdk&ob=av2n
Oh, and Emi, though it didn't help at all, thank you for the one-word talk. It does mean a lot to me.
DENNIS. Get online. You're not being nice, gone all day. So get over here, I wanna talk to you. Now, preferably.
On the way home, I thought of this little piece of tekst, and to be honest, I couldn't be pointing out my flaws any better.
She mutters "show-off" to herself, closes her eyes to the oportunities she most wanted and holds on way too tightly. She unwillingly decides to give up on her dreams. But in the end, she'll be the one to survive the blows, no matter how painful or deathly they are. She's been made tough.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gS9o1FAszdk&ob=av2n
Day 23 - Part 1 - Giving myself presents.
My mom was watching one of the last 2 Oprah show, and there was this piece about a woman getting an accident which killed her mother and best friend, and she forgave the driver killing them. and I was all like, why would she forgive the guy? He killed the two people closest to her. So my mom told me forgiveness is a present to yourself. If you can't forgive, not only will the hatred always be on the forefront of your mind, but you will also never be able to move on. Then I decided to try. And it works, admitting my forgiveness. But just to be clear, and to be over with it for once and for all:
I forgive you. For screwing up my life. For making me sick, scared of school, too hyper or too calm, for hating me and pretending to like me, for making me want to die, for making me feel worthless the past six years. I forgive you for bullying me, for turning all my classmates against me, for making me so angry I slam my lunchbox so hard on someone's head it breaks, for the lonely moments, the tears, the pain, all the insecurities. You make me tough. Too tough. But you did learn me to be careful with my trust. To not give up on my goals. You learned to kill emotions, and I learned myself to be open again and lat the tears out. You make me hard to love, and even harder to let go of once in my trust. You taught me to look angry, and to shut out others opinions. To seem oblivious to mean remarks, at keep a smile when I want to crawl into a corner and die. I forgive you for hurting me, for shaping me this way, for making me see the bad sides of things. You made me unique. You made me strong. You made me care. And in the end, you are the one who helped me the most, you made me exactly the person I am now. I will never forget what you did, but it's over now. I'm letting go of the hate, and let my mind fill itself with love. I forgive you.
I forgive you. For screwing up my life. For making me sick, scared of school, too hyper or too calm, for hating me and pretending to like me, for making me want to die, for making me feel worthless the past six years. I forgive you for bullying me, for turning all my classmates against me, for making me so angry I slam my lunchbox so hard on someone's head it breaks, for the lonely moments, the tears, the pain, all the insecurities. You make me tough. Too tough. But you did learn me to be careful with my trust. To not give up on my goals. You learned to kill emotions, and I learned myself to be open again and lat the tears out. You make me hard to love, and even harder to let go of once in my trust. You taught me to look angry, and to shut out others opinions. To seem oblivious to mean remarks, at keep a smile when I want to crawl into a corner and die. I forgive you for hurting me, for shaping me this way, for making me see the bad sides of things. You made me unique. You made me strong. You made me care. And in the end, you are the one who helped me the most, you made me exactly the person I am now. I will never forget what you did, but it's over now. I'm letting go of the hate, and let my mind fill itself with love. I forgive you.
woensdag 23 november 2011
Day 22 - Part 1 - Powerchick of the week.
I wish I could give myself that title, but unfortunately, I can't. I'm just stuck with the title of should-study-but-prefers-computer-and-stess-though-she-has-to-catch-up-on-a-whole-week-of-school-queen. No, I'd be giving that tile out to Emi, Jimmy and Melissa Etheridge. All three are amazing. Go love them ^^
And since I have to go down for dinner now, and I didn't do any homework, even though I have a Frensh and a Maths test for tomorrow, I'm going to leave you with a mash-up. Enjoy it. Love it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mghhLqu31cQ
And since I have to go down for dinner now, and I didn't do any homework, even though I have a Frensh and a Maths test for tomorrow, I'm going to leave you with a mash-up. Enjoy it. Love it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mghhLqu31cQ
dinsdag 22 november 2011
Day 21 - Part 3 - Dennis just made my day.
No matter how long I've been searching, he just got me the song. THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUUUUUUUU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mZlVaAMsoM8&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mZlVaAMsoM8&feature=related
Day 21 - Part 2 - Playlist.
BIFFY CLYROOOOOO <3
Yep. That's for today. And then especially these ones:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RAtacHPAHLI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SxQmV0Sd6qo
But you guys should listen to the whole cd ^^
The Captain
That Golden Rule
Bubbles
God & Satan
Born On A Horse
Mountains
Shock Shock
Many Of Horror
Booooom. Blast And Ruin
Cloud Of Stink
Know Your Quarry
Whorses
Yep. That's for today. And then especially these ones:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RAtacHPAHLI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SxQmV0Sd6qo
But you guys should listen to the whole cd ^^
The Captain
That Golden Rule
Bubbles
God & Satan
Born On A Horse
Mountains
Shock Shock
Many Of Horror
Booooom. Blast And Ruin
Cloud Of Stink
Know Your Quarry
Whorses
Day 21 - Part 1 - Three weeks of time.
Wow. It's been three whole weeks of me blogging. I don't think I ever did something so constanty (which has no real consequenses, that is) this long. Progress on my side ^^
So, today has been long, boring and full of stress, though it has only just begun. At school, I had to do a presentation for history. I only strated on it yesterday (not very uusual, though this time was the first REAL late start with groupwork), but I guess it went jst fine. I was the only one that didn't need to read from paper. And an arts exam thingy. It's not a real exam, just an artshistory test, but I didn't really learn all too well, nor could I, because I was gone last week so I missed one topic. The teatcher did say he would keep that in mind, though.
But tonight will be way worse. First I've got to go to the doctor (I'm leaving in half an hour) to be examined and talk about my ADHD and meds and stuff, then piano classes, which I apparently skipped last time, so my teatcher's mad, since I only have lessons once every two weeks. Oh, and I didn't practise. At least, not as much as I should have. And then the rest of the evening is filled with shoving hot food down and racing to fashionclass, and then off to bed...
Yeah, so far, I'm doing absolutely great and amazing. -.-'
So, today has been long, boring and full of stress, though it has only just begun. At school, I had to do a presentation for history. I only strated on it yesterday (not very uusual, though this time was the first REAL late start with groupwork), but I guess it went jst fine. I was the only one that didn't need to read from paper. And an arts exam thingy. It's not a real exam, just an artshistory test, but I didn't really learn all too well, nor could I, because I was gone last week so I missed one topic. The teatcher did say he would keep that in mind, though.
But tonight will be way worse. First I've got to go to the doctor (I'm leaving in half an hour) to be examined and talk about my ADHD and meds and stuff, then piano classes, which I apparently skipped last time, so my teatcher's mad, since I only have lessons once every two weeks. Oh, and I didn't practise. At least, not as much as I should have. And then the rest of the evening is filled with shoving hot food down and racing to fashionclass, and then off to bed...
Yeah, so far, I'm doing absolutely great and amazing. -.-'
maandag 21 november 2011
Day 20 - Part 1 - How words can bring you down and put you back up again.
EMI. Call me. I need serious help with the one-word issue.
So. Words can hurt. Bad, REALLY bad. Some people say "they're just words, hits hurt more", but I'd give both my legs to forget about all the pain words have caused me. I'd take all the blows, break all my bones, I'd rather be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life instead of going through all the pain again. Dennis proved that to me today. But hey, what to do when your bestest friend turns into your brother ^^
So. Words can hurt. Bad, REALLY bad. Some people say "they're just words, hits hurt more", but I'd give both my legs to forget about all the pain words have caused me. I'd take all the blows, break all my bones, I'd rather be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life instead of going through all the pain again. Dennis proved that to me today. But hey, what to do when your bestest friend turns into your brother ^^
zaterdag 19 november 2011
Day 19 - Part 1 - Coming Back: Illness and Parties.
So I've been off all week now, going out with Aleksandra and falling asleep in busses, but I'm back ^^
There's quite some many things I need to catch up on this week, but I'm not doing anything today. I'm just watching Taylor Swift's channel on youtube, pieces of The Ellen Degeneres Show and music videos. And listening to the most amazing songs I've heard in a while.
Things are getting better now. my brother comes back in the weekends, and he's staying at his friend's place. He's going to school just a little more often, but I guess there's improvement. I miss him a lot, though.
I've been sick-ish all week, snotty, a trashbin full of used tissues, plugged nose, pluged ears. Using 5 tissues a minute. But it's not all too bad. I mean, things COULD have been worse, of course.
And I had a party yesterday. Like, crazy. I was WAAAAAY too late, though that wasn't all too much of a problem. It was amazing fun.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aNzCDt2eidg&feature=autoplay&list=PLCF97F2FA637EF87C&lf=bf_play&playnext=2
PS, Oh and Emi, I need some help with the "one word" issue.
There's quite some many things I need to catch up on this week, but I'm not doing anything today. I'm just watching Taylor Swift's channel on youtube, pieces of The Ellen Degeneres Show and music videos. And listening to the most amazing songs I've heard in a while.
Things are getting better now. my brother comes back in the weekends, and he's staying at his friend's place. He's going to school just a little more often, but I guess there's improvement. I miss him a lot, though.
I've been sick-ish all week, snotty, a trashbin full of used tissues, plugged nose, pluged ears. Using 5 tissues a minute. But it's not all too bad. I mean, things COULD have been worse, of course.
And I had a party yesterday. Like, crazy. I was WAAAAAY too late, though that wasn't all too much of a problem. It was amazing fun.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aNzCDt2eidg&feature=autoplay&list=PLCF97F2FA637EF87C&lf=bf_play&playnext=2
PS, Oh and Emi, I need some help with the "one word" issue.
dinsdag 15 november 2011
Day 14 - Part 1 - Bed time and apologies.
hey there everybody. I just want to say sorry for not writing all week. I guess I've just been very busy. I have an exchange student, she's from Poland, and we're doing all sorts of stuff. Like, painting fairytale backgrounds at school, talking, going out for dinner, and yesterday we went to this amazing themepark, the Efteling. It was awesome.
And I'm having a cold. like, the worsst one ever. I'm amazed I ever go on walking and doing tours and stuff. I'm all hot and sweaty, but I feel REALLY cold, or extremely warm. And, of course, plugged nose, plugged ears, and ichy eyes. And since my hands are frozen to the bone the moment I step outside, I've got no senses left. Yep, it's awesome. *not*
So, Aleksandra is taking a shower now, and I'll take one after her (I smell like a Chinese restaurant, we has dinner at school - Chinese - and my teacher make me and Aleksandra put the bag with leftovers into the garbage thing, but the bag leaked, to my leg's all sprayed with sauce and stuff), so I'll be off now.
I just wanted to tell you I'm still alive, and thank those of you who still tuned in daily to see if I went on yet. I love you guys.
Oh, and I feel happy again :D
And I'm having a cold. like, the worsst one ever. I'm amazed I ever go on walking and doing tours and stuff. I'm all hot and sweaty, but I feel REALLY cold, or extremely warm. And, of course, plugged nose, plugged ears, and ichy eyes. And since my hands are frozen to the bone the moment I step outside, I've got no senses left. Yep, it's awesome. *not*
So, Aleksandra is taking a shower now, and I'll take one after her (I smell like a Chinese restaurant, we has dinner at school - Chinese - and my teacher make me and Aleksandra put the bag with leftovers into the garbage thing, but the bag leaked, to my leg's all sprayed with sauce and stuff), so I'll be off now.
I just wanted to tell you I'm still alive, and thank those of you who still tuned in daily to see if I went on yet. I love you guys.
Oh, and I feel happy again :D
vrijdag 11 november 2011
Day 10 - Part 1 - Yesterday's memories.
So, I'm sitting here all red hands and ears from cycling home, sipping from my usual drink of applejuice, ready to type. Yesterday.
It started out all normal, allright. Just waking up to my annoying alarm-clock, getting ready for school, skipping most of my breakfast again, almost being too late, like always. And the topics didn't get any less boring...
But, school was over early, and I went pulling names for Saint Nicolas :D For those of you who don't know what it is, the story goes like this: There once was a man called St. Nicolas. He was a good man, and he used to give people presents. (Fact is: He did live, and he bacame a saint because one day he was riding on his horse, and he saw an old begger sitting in the freezing cold underneath a tree, so he took off his cape and sliced it in half, giving one half to the freezing man and keeping the other half himself.) And now, he's still giving presents to kids, and have to put their shoes at the fireplace and sing songs, and in the morning there'll be a present. What really happens is that only small kids believe in him and his old age, which should be over 300 by now, and parents put presents in for a month or so, until his birthday on December 5th, when there'll be a big stash of presents arriving in the evening.
So. I had a name. We'll be doing surprises with some friends, but there's this one girl I don't know. And geuss what? I pulled her name -.-'
Luckily I was first, so I could still change. I'm really exited, and I wonder who's got me :D
Back home again. I told myself to NOT go on the computer, for my own sake, but geuss where I ended up? Exactly. The computer.
It took me two hours and a lot of thinking to get up, but I went to the city non the less. Picking up the second row of antibiotic pills, and some present for my best friend (I would tell you what it is if she wouldn't read my blog as well), and, well, shoes. I decided I can make my own choises. So I did. And for once, my mom said ok.
Then I spent the rest of the day on the sofa, in front of the tv, watching MTV and the results of the EMAs. How I love having a big tv. And a wonderful sofa...
And my evening ended really peacefully. I was finishing my dinner, my dad was reading this girls magazine of my sister, my sister did an improvised dance-show and my mom watched her. I don't think I felt that happy all week.
It started out all normal, allright. Just waking up to my annoying alarm-clock, getting ready for school, skipping most of my breakfast again, almost being too late, like always. And the topics didn't get any less boring...
But, school was over early, and I went pulling names for Saint Nicolas :D For those of you who don't know what it is, the story goes like this: There once was a man called St. Nicolas. He was a good man, and he used to give people presents. (Fact is: He did live, and he bacame a saint because one day he was riding on his horse, and he saw an old begger sitting in the freezing cold underneath a tree, so he took off his cape and sliced it in half, giving one half to the freezing man and keeping the other half himself.) And now, he's still giving presents to kids, and have to put their shoes at the fireplace and sing songs, and in the morning there'll be a present. What really happens is that only small kids believe in him and his old age, which should be over 300 by now, and parents put presents in for a month or so, until his birthday on December 5th, when there'll be a big stash of presents arriving in the evening.
So. I had a name. We'll be doing surprises with some friends, but there's this one girl I don't know. And geuss what? I pulled her name -.-'
Luckily I was first, so I could still change. I'm really exited, and I wonder who's got me :D
Back home again. I told myself to NOT go on the computer, for my own sake, but geuss where I ended up? Exactly. The computer.
It took me two hours and a lot of thinking to get up, but I went to the city non the less. Picking up the second row of antibiotic pills, and some present for my best friend (I would tell you what it is if she wouldn't read my blog as well), and, well, shoes. I decided I can make my own choises. So I did. And for once, my mom said ok.
Then I spent the rest of the day on the sofa, in front of the tv, watching MTV and the results of the EMAs. How I love having a big tv. And a wonderful sofa...
And my evening ended really peacefully. I was finishing my dinner, my dad was reading this girls magazine of my sister, my sister did an improvised dance-show and my mom watched her. I don't think I felt that happy all week.
donderdag 10 november 2011
Day 9 - Part 1 - Quick remark.
I ought to be in bed already, but I just wanted to say sorry for not writing today. I just was too tired and spend most of my time behind the tv...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLexgOxsZu0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLexgOxsZu0
woensdag 9 november 2011
Day 8 - Part 4 - Rubbing things in.
So, my mom just walked in. It was kind of akward. I made all tabs small for a moment. She was like, "Are you still mad at me?" And I was like, "Yeah, sure." So she was all sugar and coating saying she liked the heels, and she got I liked them to, but I need 'decent' shoes to go to school with, and that they're all platic, and it's a lot of money, and it would be ok for parties, and she doesn't say no all the time but to the same thing all over and blahblahblah. And I was just sitting there, pretending to listen, staring blankly at my screen, afraid of using my voice for it would've broken. She just went on and on until she saw I wasn't reacting, and then the sugar-and-coating was back on all over again, and she was like "Can't we find you something that you like and I approve of as well?" and patting my head and stuff. So I just kept on staring straight forward, for I didn't want to blink and let her see the tears dropping from my eyes. Then she got all defensive and in her "Well, if you don't want to talk about it, I can't help you."-mode. I shaked my shoulders, and she walked out, and the moment I knew she couldn't see nor hear me anymore, I let go of a pained, broken sob.
No, I'm FAR from ready to forgive you, let alone talk to you, mom. And it's not the shoes, really. It's her not letting me make my own decisions, my own mistakes. I think she's just scared I'll follow my brother. And she's a very loving and sweet mom, don't get me wrong, she just doesn't seem to see it hurts me SO bad when she doesn't dare to let me go. Or she choses to close her eyes to her own mistakes, her own faults.
It's like all she only ever sees are mine.
No, I'm FAR from ready to forgive you, let alone talk to you, mom. And it's not the shoes, really. It's her not letting me make my own decisions, my own mistakes. I think she's just scared I'll follow my brother. And she's a very loving and sweet mom, don't get me wrong, she just doesn't seem to see it hurts me SO bad when she doesn't dare to let me go. Or she choses to close her eyes to her own mistakes, her own faults.
It's like all she only ever sees are mine.
Day 8 - Part 3 - Eating habits.
Food of today:
Half of my breakfast (so, half a cracker).
A peppermint.
A gumball.
A chocolate chip cookie.
Three sips of water.
It's 18.20 now. And I'm not even hungry.
Half of my breakfast (so, half a cracker).
A peppermint.
A gumball.
A chocolate chip cookie.
Three sips of water.
It's 18.20 now. And I'm not even hungry.
Day 8 - Part 1 - Wishing for freedom.
I know it's stupid to fight, or ever cry about it, but I REALLY wanted those heels, ok? And it's not like they're 15-inch-high plateau stiletto's or something. Why can't she just give me the freedom to buy clothes I like as well? And not just the ones that get approved of. No matter how hard I try, the heels will always be too high, the skirts too short and the shirts too daring. You shouldn't give me the freedom to buy my own clothes if you make me bring back EVERYTHING, mom. I'm 14, for crying out loud! I should be able to make mt own choises. Don't pretend I'm 10. Go rule my sister's wadrobe or something.
I'm not in the mmod for talking. To anyone. Not even to dennis. Until he started talking to me and made me unable to close the tab. So, yeah, I just wanna go crawl in a corner and die or something.
I'm not in the mmod for talking. To anyone. Not even to dennis. Until he started talking to me and made me unable to close the tab. So, yeah, I just wanna go crawl in a corner and die or something.
dinsdag 8 november 2011
Day 7 - Part 1 - Miracles and hands.
I needed a miracle today. In many ways. But mostly because I had a French test I hadn't learned for. At all. So yesterday, when I went to bed, I actually hoped I would be ill. Since I'm hardly ever ill and I hadn't taken my antibiotics yet, I wasn't. Yay.
So, on to the next hope. History. Everyone was telling me it would be cancelled, so I got all my hope worked up to that one extra hour. Of course, it didn't. As usual. Miracles don't show when I want them to. Or actually, they do, but by the time I realize it was the miracle I've been waiting for, the chance to make it work is over.
Break time. Exacly 30 minutes of getting to the library, instaling myself, learn everything, get to class and be ready. Hell. But I think I made it well. There were really only a thing or two I didn't know.
Arts <3 I absolutely LOVE arts. It takes my mind of things, it means laughing and drawing and being cute and artistic. And for today, it meant making half a heart out of my hand and try to draw it about 20 times bigger. I've got a friend doing the other half, since she's right-handed and I'm left-handed. It looks cute, though all the lines and folds and proportions of my hand seem silly and weird, because it's so darn big.
It was really fun, though. All jokes and stories and music. I'm so freaking small, and the table was up straight, so I was standing on a chair about 90% of the time. If not more. And my friend, well, she was just a little less than a head smaller than me, standing on that chair. Stupid hormones that should make me grow. Why did you stop working? D:
All that was left was a break, a free period and English. But since most of the class has that free period, my teacher cancelled it. I did stay all break, though, eating candy and talking and listening and occasionally laughing. Then I cycled to the city, nozing through shoshops to find latin dancing shoes. Couldn't find them, but I have seen the most amazing heels/short boorts EVER. If only they weren't so freaking expensive...
Oh, and Dennis, GET YOUR *SS ONLINE BEFORE I GO SMASH THINGS INTO WALLS. Please? I need you.
So, on to the next hope. History. Everyone was telling me it would be cancelled, so I got all my hope worked up to that one extra hour. Of course, it didn't. As usual. Miracles don't show when I want them to. Or actually, they do, but by the time I realize it was the miracle I've been waiting for, the chance to make it work is over.
Break time. Exacly 30 minutes of getting to the library, instaling myself, learn everything, get to class and be ready. Hell. But I think I made it well. There were really only a thing or two I didn't know.
Arts <3 I absolutely LOVE arts. It takes my mind of things, it means laughing and drawing and being cute and artistic. And for today, it meant making half a heart out of my hand and try to draw it about 20 times bigger. I've got a friend doing the other half, since she's right-handed and I'm left-handed. It looks cute, though all the lines and folds and proportions of my hand seem silly and weird, because it's so darn big.
It was really fun, though. All jokes and stories and music. I'm so freaking small, and the table was up straight, so I was standing on a chair about 90% of the time. If not more. And my friend, well, she was just a little less than a head smaller than me, standing on that chair. Stupid hormones that should make me grow. Why did you stop working? D:
All that was left was a break, a free period and English. But since most of the class has that free period, my teacher cancelled it. I did stay all break, though, eating candy and talking and listening and occasionally laughing. Then I cycled to the city, nozing through shoshops to find latin dancing shoes. Couldn't find them, but I have seen the most amazing heels/short boorts EVER. If only they weren't so freaking expensive...
Oh, and Dennis, GET YOUR *SS ONLINE BEFORE I GO SMASH THINGS INTO WALLS. Please? I need you.
maandag 7 november 2011
Day 6 - Part 3 - Tricks to smile.
Yep. Romeo and juliet worked. The kissing scenes, at least. oh gosh, I feel like such a girl when I say that. I wached back all the kisses and moments of them together, but skipped the rest. And finishing my moodboard worked pretty good too. I'm not on the edge anymore. I'm just a few inches away. But things are getting better.
I hope.
These violent delights have violent ends.
And in their triumph die, like fire and powder,
which, as they kiss, consume. <3
(Shakespeare, from Romeo and Juliet)
I hope.
These violent delights have violent ends.
And in their triumph die, like fire and powder,
which, as they kiss, consume. <3
(Shakespeare, from Romeo and Juliet)
Day 6 - Part 2 - Discussions with my friend.
Me: You know, yesterday 34 people tuned in to read my pathetic thoughts.
Dennis: they are not pathetic
Me: They are. Mostly.
Dennis: no
Me: Today only seven, but that's obvious, I just wrote the first post.
Me: They are.
Dennis: no!
Me: yes.
Dennis: They aren't! You are a very cool girl and your thoughts are anything but pathetic.! You have the courage to tell us your thoughts, to share with us your deepest feelings, your joy, your sorrow, that is not pathetic!
Me: I believe that's exactly what make things pathetic. telling everything to strangers. but I never ment it in a negative way ;)
Dennis: oh
How not to like him? You tell me ;)
Dennis: they are not pathetic
Me: They are. Mostly.
Dennis: no
Me: Today only seven, but that's obvious, I just wrote the first post.
Me: They are.
Dennis: no!
Me: yes.
Dennis: They aren't! You are a very cool girl and your thoughts are anything but pathetic.! You have the courage to tell us your thoughts, to share with us your deepest feelings, your joy, your sorrow, that is not pathetic!
Me: I believe that's exactly what make things pathetic. telling everything to strangers. but I never ment it in a negative way ;)
Dennis: oh
How not to like him? You tell me ;)
Day 6 - Part 1 - Emptiness.
I don't really feel like writing anything, I must admit. I don't feel like doing anything at all anyways. My mind's blank, I can't focus on homework, even though I have a French test tomorrow, which I haven't studied yet. Get all there's left to do is cry, but tears won't come.
Dennis is quite too sad to make me happy. It'll be allright, you'll find a solution. Just try to smile, for you and me the same.
Gonna watch Romeo and Juliet now, it's extreamly on my table and waiting for me to get it and put it in. So that's what I'm gonna do. At least it fits my mood. Sort of.
Dennis is quite too sad to make me happy. It'll be allright, you'll find a solution. Just try to smile, for you and me the same.
Gonna watch Romeo and Juliet now, it's extreamly on my table and waiting for me to get it and put it in. So that's what I'm gonna do. At least it fits my mood. Sort of.
zondag 6 november 2011
Day 5 - Part 6 - Sundown.
It's not really literally sundown, the sun has been gone for quite some hours already, but it feels like it. He's going now, I just said my goodbyes. It's an hour later than I thought it would be, but I'm glad it took longer. I just gave him the present. Hugged him goodbye. I miss him. I love him.
Day 5 - Part 5 - One hour to sundown.
I finished the letter. And pt the present together. I'm getting sadder every minute. It all comes toghter now. Can't concentrate on my homework. My mom'd kill me if she'd see me here.
Gotta prepare for goodbye.
Gotta prepare for goodbye.
Day 5 - Part 4 - Playlist. Two hours to sundown.
The beauty of gray - Live
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p5WIexiYeQg
Shot of a gun - KANE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T7Xb69oyKk0
Do you feel - The Rocket Summer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mrP9SrMJ00c&ob=av2e
Two more hours. I just started the letter, but my words don't seem to come. I'm getting more scared all the time. I can only say I'm lucky to have Dennis comforting me with his words. Thank you <3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p5WIexiYeQg
Shot of a gun - KANE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T7Xb69oyKk0
Do you feel - The Rocket Summer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mrP9SrMJ00c&ob=av2e
Two more hours. I just started the letter, but my words don't seem to come. I'm getting more scared all the time. I can only say I'm lucky to have Dennis comforting me with his words. Thank you <3
Day 5 - Part 3 - A piece of the Moon.
Last Friday, when I heard he was leaving, the moon looked so sad, I wished there was a way to rember it forever. And there is. Writing it down.
The moon's shattered tonight. Hidden behind the thinnest of clouds, sorrow on her face. Tears of light are flung, shot across the sky. Half of the moon is crying, and so am I. In my head are the words of a hurtful, final goodbye.
The moon's shattered tonight. Hidden behind the thinnest of clouds, sorrow on her face. Tears of light are flung, shot across the sky. Half of the moon is crying, and so am I. In my head are the words of a hurtful, final goodbye.
Day 5 - Part 2 - Being afraid.
I'm scared of writing a letter to my brother. It just feels so final. No way to turn it all back again. And I don't even know where to start explaining him how much I love him, and miss him, and how I hope he'll be alright.
zaterdag 5 november 2011
Day 5 - Part 1 - Hell and my tears. Three hours to sundown.
Yes. The counting has begun.
So, I'm all crap and sad and touchy today. Not only did I have some hughnormous lack of sleep (I went to bed at 4.45 am, reading and talking to my friend), but a more important scene is on the way. The saying of goodbyes. I'll tell you all about it.
The sky fits my mood today. All covered up in a big grey nothingness, yet rain is unable to fall.
My brother is going. He's being kicked out. Gone. Left all to himself, no job, just him and his stuff. Nothing is arranged. The shrink said that was the best. I hope he found some place to go, though I'm afraid not so. I'm scared to death of what might happen to him. My mom said this would be a good thing, that he had to fall hard to get back up again, but I'm just so scared of the fall. I mean, it IS his live, but he's my brother. And even though he usually is so freaking annoying, I love him with all my heart. If I could have just one wish, I'd wish that he didn't have to move out. Or just that everything will turn out fine, and he will have a good future.
Some time ago, just about a year I think, I made myself a promise. I promised myself to take care of him, no matter what. That I'd send him money if he need it, that I'll give him a home if he ever has none. But I don't know how to if I don't know where to find him.
I'd better start writing him a letter. I brought him a present, two bag of candy, a notepad and two pens. I added an envelope with some personal stuff, and a small couple of bottles, filled with shampoo and bodylotion, taken from a hotel somewhere. I just fervently hope He'll be allright.
And I gave him a piece of the moon.
So, I'm all crap and sad and touchy today. Not only did I have some hughnormous lack of sleep (I went to bed at 4.45 am, reading and talking to my friend), but a more important scene is on the way. The saying of goodbyes. I'll tell you all about it.
The sky fits my mood today. All covered up in a big grey nothingness, yet rain is unable to fall.
My brother is going. He's being kicked out. Gone. Left all to himself, no job, just him and his stuff. Nothing is arranged. The shrink said that was the best. I hope he found some place to go, though I'm afraid not so. I'm scared to death of what might happen to him. My mom said this would be a good thing, that he had to fall hard to get back up again, but I'm just so scared of the fall. I mean, it IS his live, but he's my brother. And even though he usually is so freaking annoying, I love him with all my heart. If I could have just one wish, I'd wish that he didn't have to move out. Or just that everything will turn out fine, and he will have a good future.
Some time ago, just about a year I think, I made myself a promise. I promised myself to take care of him, no matter what. That I'd send him money if he need it, that I'll give him a home if he ever has none. But I don't know how to if I don't know where to find him.
I'd better start writing him a letter. I brought him a present, two bag of candy, a notepad and two pens. I added an envelope with some personal stuff, and a small couple of bottles, filled with shampoo and bodylotion, taken from a hotel somewhere. I just fervently hope He'll be allright.
And I gave him a piece of the moon.
donderdag 3 november 2011
Day 2/3 - A Special for AngelicHeart and Dennis.
AngelicHeart:
So, she's just a girl on this site called gosupermodel.com. It sounds REALLY childish, I know, but I actually spend my time on there a lot. Just talking to people and helping and asking fr advise about whatever my brother did or happened in school or something. And I posted JustLuzzie on there. To be honest (and I KNOW I use that expression a lot), I never knew her, until she had this sweetest remark ever on my blog. So I like her, love her, and I'm making her a special corner to tell her I appreciate what she did and I love her for doing so. So, sweetie, here you are.
Dennis:
Well, Dennis is a totally different case. The explanation of me getting to know him is kind of long and will follow later, but I needed to tell him the specifics, so here they come:
Walking. Lifting with cars is allowed, but no taking cars along. Sleeping will be done eighter in youthhostels, on campsites or just at any random place. Or we can go couchhopping ;) Low-buget rules. Big companies sponsoring for food, sleepingplaces, planetickets back (one year of walking is enough to me), or just our Charity Goal. We'll need a website, and a name, and a film camera and just two normal camera's, and a computer with internet connection. Blogging the journey anyways ;) Oh, and there should be a "Donate" button on the site, so any random person can donate as well. When it's all over, we'll have a big gala with us giving ALL the moneys to our Charity Goal.
AND I still have to ask my parents if I'm allowed, and if I'm allowed to walk with you, and we should meet ;) Of course, I've still got to do all the calculations, and the planning, but I've got just over 2 years for that ;)
I never mentioned any time or place or name, so people won't steal the idea... Obvious. If anyone still wonders about it, feel free to leave a reaction ;)
So, she's just a girl on this site called gosupermodel.com. It sounds REALLY childish, I know, but I actually spend my time on there a lot. Just talking to people and helping and asking fr advise about whatever my brother did or happened in school or something. And I posted JustLuzzie on there. To be honest (and I KNOW I use that expression a lot), I never knew her, until she had this sweetest remark ever on my blog. So I like her, love her, and I'm making her a special corner to tell her I appreciate what she did and I love her for doing so. So, sweetie, here you are.
Dennis:
Well, Dennis is a totally different case. The explanation of me getting to know him is kind of long and will follow later, but I needed to tell him the specifics, so here they come:
Walking. Lifting with cars is allowed, but no taking cars along. Sleeping will be done eighter in youthhostels, on campsites or just at any random place. Or we can go couchhopping ;) Low-buget rules. Big companies sponsoring for food, sleepingplaces, planetickets back (one year of walking is enough to me), or just our Charity Goal. We'll need a website, and a name, and a film camera and just two normal camera's, and a computer with internet connection. Blogging the journey anyways ;) Oh, and there should be a "Donate" button on the site, so any random person can donate as well. When it's all over, we'll have a big gala with us giving ALL the moneys to our Charity Goal.
AND I still have to ask my parents if I'm allowed, and if I'm allowed to walk with you, and we should meet ;) Of course, I've still got to do all the calculations, and the planning, but I've got just over 2 years for that ;)
I never mentioned any time or place or name, so people won't steal the idea... Obvious. If anyone still wonders about it, feel free to leave a reaction ;)
Day 2 - Part 2 - Playlist
Actually I've been listening to this one song all week long. Fair warning: The sound is very soft and it's not too happy - but not all too sad, either.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mrP9SrMJ00c&ob=av2e
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mrP9SrMJ00c&ob=av2e
Day 2 - Part 1 - Memorytraining.
So. I wondered about it often, how someone can remember everything that happened in a day, without writing stuff down in between. Now I'm finally starting to get how in the world someone can do it.
*note to self: get some kind of notebook, that'll make things easier*
Here we go: Waking up is always hard to me, especially if I just let the alarmclock on and stay in bed for a few more minutes. Like this morning. 15 minutes late. It doesn't seem like a lot, but to me, it is. Becuase, for some reason, I can't be fast. I just can't hurry up. It frustrates me so often, yet I'm not able to change it.
Getting dressed is always my first step. Or, actualy, first going to the toilet and taking my meds, then get dressed. So I'm all packed up and wintry, and my mom tells me it'll be nice weather. Other shirt, other socks. Packing my backpack. I KNOW it's not right to leave books at home on purpose, but I didn't do my homework, nor the extra work for not doing it last time, so I left everything at home and told the teacher I forgot everything at home. I picked up a magazine and started reading, stupidstupid, but I guess I'm blaming the part of me that gets easily distracted for that.
Making breakfast, kissing my sister goodbye, yelling goodbyes to my mom upstairs, and leaving just 5 minutes too late... As always. So I'm racing to school. As always.
In time. On the edge, though, but in time. SPU. I had to had in a paper, some pictures and another paper. A week or longer ago. And I didn't. Luckily, we had a presentation, so the taecher didn't ask me anything. Yet. But I'm afraid what happens if he finds out I didn't do it. I think he will. And now I've got 2 ones on my list. And I don't know how to make it right again.
Yes, my day started awesome. *not*
Math's up next. Which was sort of ok. For math, that is. I always fall asleep in math class, because I can't work on, and I get the explanation in one, while the teacher explains like 3 times. So I got stuck on making sudoku's on my phone. My old, crappy, annoying phone which keeps me entertained during school time. I love that weird thing.
French was no difference. I lied about my books, got my phone out, looked in my friends book every now and then so I looked like I paid attention, played some other sudoku's and listened to all the test-checking crap. I got a 4.9. But I'm still sufficient.
Then there was the break. My sweet, lovely, much needed breaks. I absolutely LOVE them. Not like I eat or do anything, but just not being in class is good enough to me. A friend got me a Oreo cookie. Yummy :D
English. The most boring of all boredomnesses. No offense, I love the subject and our teacher is quite nice, but he just can't fill the lessons. Or keep any order, for that matter. And, really, his voice gets me on the edge of sleep all the time. More test-checking. More sudoku's. Off early, anyways, he skipped tutor class. Not like we ever do anything in there. Still, I was tired. And I was sick of school.
But I didn't go home. I went to a friend of mine. Yes, he's my friend. Even though he's 44. He's got the cutest daughter EVER, and his wife is very sweet. And pregnant again ;)
To be honest, we talked about sex. Not about how it is or what you're supposed to do, but about why people handle it like a forbidden thing. Teach those kids, damn it! Learn them how to prevent pregnancy. Tell them it's just normal, and learn them about condoms and concequences. It is a freaking normal thing. Everyone does it, did it, or will do it. So why pretend it's something sacred, scary, or even wrong? Gah, I can get SO mad at those kind of people.
And the pictures. There's always the pictures. I like it. My friend, he's an amature photographer, but he's pretty good. He's got boxes full of clothes he wants to put on people to make pics. Today, however, he had some things that look best without underwear. I don't mind, really, and I can always refuse, of course, but I liked to this time. It was... well, odd, to just put it out there. Nothing pervy, really, but it just felt weird to me. Must be because I've never done that before. But I must admit, he's right. I did look better without underwear. And really, they're all clean pictures. Nothing to see.
Going home after that. And not doing my homework, like I should. I just can't get myself to do it. I just simply CAN'T. And I hate that. Even with my meds, I can't just "decide" to do my homework. More stress later. More stress tomorrow. Insufficients. I know the consequences. If only I could make myself feel them.
*note to self: get some kind of notebook, that'll make things easier*
Here we go: Waking up is always hard to me, especially if I just let the alarmclock on and stay in bed for a few more minutes. Like this morning. 15 minutes late. It doesn't seem like a lot, but to me, it is. Becuase, for some reason, I can't be fast. I just can't hurry up. It frustrates me so often, yet I'm not able to change it.
Getting dressed is always my first step. Or, actualy, first going to the toilet and taking my meds, then get dressed. So I'm all packed up and wintry, and my mom tells me it'll be nice weather. Other shirt, other socks. Packing my backpack. I KNOW it's not right to leave books at home on purpose, but I didn't do my homework, nor the extra work for not doing it last time, so I left everything at home and told the teacher I forgot everything at home. I picked up a magazine and started reading, stupidstupid, but I guess I'm blaming the part of me that gets easily distracted for that.
Making breakfast, kissing my sister goodbye, yelling goodbyes to my mom upstairs, and leaving just 5 minutes too late... As always. So I'm racing to school. As always.
In time. On the edge, though, but in time. SPU. I had to had in a paper, some pictures and another paper. A week or longer ago. And I didn't. Luckily, we had a presentation, so the taecher didn't ask me anything. Yet. But I'm afraid what happens if he finds out I didn't do it. I think he will. And now I've got 2 ones on my list. And I don't know how to make it right again.
Yes, my day started awesome. *not*
Math's up next. Which was sort of ok. For math, that is. I always fall asleep in math class, because I can't work on, and I get the explanation in one, while the teacher explains like 3 times. So I got stuck on making sudoku's on my phone. My old, crappy, annoying phone which keeps me entertained during school time. I love that weird thing.
French was no difference. I lied about my books, got my phone out, looked in my friends book every now and then so I looked like I paid attention, played some other sudoku's and listened to all the test-checking crap. I got a 4.9. But I'm still sufficient.
Then there was the break. My sweet, lovely, much needed breaks. I absolutely LOVE them. Not like I eat or do anything, but just not being in class is good enough to me. A friend got me a Oreo cookie. Yummy :D
English. The most boring of all boredomnesses. No offense, I love the subject and our teacher is quite nice, but he just can't fill the lessons. Or keep any order, for that matter. And, really, his voice gets me on the edge of sleep all the time. More test-checking. More sudoku's. Off early, anyways, he skipped tutor class. Not like we ever do anything in there. Still, I was tired. And I was sick of school.
But I didn't go home. I went to a friend of mine. Yes, he's my friend. Even though he's 44. He's got the cutest daughter EVER, and his wife is very sweet. And pregnant again ;)
To be honest, we talked about sex. Not about how it is or what you're supposed to do, but about why people handle it like a forbidden thing. Teach those kids, damn it! Learn them how to prevent pregnancy. Tell them it's just normal, and learn them about condoms and concequences. It is a freaking normal thing. Everyone does it, did it, or will do it. So why pretend it's something sacred, scary, or even wrong? Gah, I can get SO mad at those kind of people.
And the pictures. There's always the pictures. I like it. My friend, he's an amature photographer, but he's pretty good. He's got boxes full of clothes he wants to put on people to make pics. Today, however, he had some things that look best without underwear. I don't mind, really, and I can always refuse, of course, but I liked to this time. It was... well, odd, to just put it out there. Nothing pervy, really, but it just felt weird to me. Must be because I've never done that before. But I must admit, he's right. I did look better without underwear. And really, they're all clean pictures. Nothing to see.
Going home after that. And not doing my homework, like I should. I just can't get myself to do it. I just simply CAN'T. And I hate that. Even with my meds, I can't just "decide" to do my homework. More stress later. More stress tomorrow. Insufficients. I know the consequences. If only I could make myself feel them.
woensdag 2 november 2011
Day 1 - Part 2
Dinner at my place:
Me getting down early, my dad always calls out the wrong time.
My mom on her computer.
My brother coming downstairs, followed by my little sister, who's squirming and yelling at my brother for taking her things and not leaving her alone.
Everyone to the livingroom, because dinner isn't ready yet.
My dad angry for us not sitting around the table at the EXACT moment he puts the pans down.
My mom being angry at my brother for doing whatever is it he did. (There's always something wrong, I'll explain that later.)
My sister playing with toys.
My dad angry at my sister for not eating.
My brother got fired today.
Everyone laughs at something my sister says (apart from me, I don't think it was funny).
No-one laughs at something I say, which actually WAS funny. I'm only being laughed AT. So I just go on eating my dinner, keeping my mouth shut and pretending to not care. My mom tells my sister something about history, in a very childish way. (Obvious, she's only eight, but I get very annoyed.) My dad tells me to clean up the kitchen. My mom tells me to make tea. My sister goes singing or playing with her toys. My brother run off, upstairs, to do as few as he can possible manage. And I'm left with a workload of half an hour, a pissed off pair of parents, a nagging sister and a brother I never see. Oh, great days.
Yeah, most is usual. Only one or two things don't happen daily. I'm finally geting used to it. After three years. Oh joy.
Me getting down early, my dad always calls out the wrong time.
My mom on her computer.
My brother coming downstairs, followed by my little sister, who's squirming and yelling at my brother for taking her things and not leaving her alone.
Everyone to the livingroom, because dinner isn't ready yet.
My dad angry for us not sitting around the table at the EXACT moment he puts the pans down.
My mom being angry at my brother for doing whatever is it he did. (There's always something wrong, I'll explain that later.)
My sister playing with toys.
My dad angry at my sister for not eating.
My brother got fired today.
Everyone laughs at something my sister says (apart from me, I don't think it was funny).
No-one laughs at something I say, which actually WAS funny. I'm only being laughed AT. So I just go on eating my dinner, keeping my mouth shut and pretending to not care. My mom tells my sister something about history, in a very childish way. (Obvious, she's only eight, but I get very annoyed.) My dad tells me to clean up the kitchen. My mom tells me to make tea. My sister goes singing or playing with her toys. My brother run off, upstairs, to do as few as he can possible manage. And I'm left with a workload of half an hour, a pissed off pair of parents, a nagging sister and a brother I never see. Oh, great days.
Yeah, most is usual. Only one or two things don't happen daily. I'm finally geting used to it. After three years. Oh joy.
Day 1
Hello everybody!
My name's Luzzie, and to be honest, I'm just a little 14-year-old girl. I haven't always had the best time in my life, or actually, my life kind of sucks. So I decided to get myself back up.
I'm quite smart, no bragging, I'm creative and generally nice, and the few friends I have, are the best friends anyone could've asked for. But I haven't had the best times growing up. I've been bullied, hurt, and I wanted to kill myself for just over 3 years. I don't like to dwell on the past, but to move on, I've got to look back and be completely honest. So I will be. Not only to myself, but also to you, whoever you are, reading my blog.
I'm getting there, allright. It's getting better. But I wouldn't say my live's back on track. Not even close. I have got better days, allright, but the bad days are very frequent. Too often, if you ask me. I still am scared of going to school, still afraid of opening up to whoever I want to trust. And I don't want to be anymore.
So I choose to tell you about me, my life, and all persons within it. I'll tell you my secrets, my dreams, my hopes. I'll tell you everything you might or might not want to hear. Why? Because I fail at diaries and I just need someone to talk, to nag to. Even if they don't answer. I just need to let it all out.
With love,
Luzzie.
My name's Luzzie, and to be honest, I'm just a little 14-year-old girl. I haven't always had the best time in my life, or actually, my life kind of sucks. So I decided to get myself back up.
I'm quite smart, no bragging, I'm creative and generally nice, and the few friends I have, are the best friends anyone could've asked for. But I haven't had the best times growing up. I've been bullied, hurt, and I wanted to kill myself for just over 3 years. I don't like to dwell on the past, but to move on, I've got to look back and be completely honest. So I will be. Not only to myself, but also to you, whoever you are, reading my blog.
I'm getting there, allright. It's getting better. But I wouldn't say my live's back on track. Not even close. I have got better days, allright, but the bad days are very frequent. Too often, if you ask me. I still am scared of going to school, still afraid of opening up to whoever I want to trust. And I don't want to be anymore.
So I choose to tell you about me, my life, and all persons within it. I'll tell you my secrets, my dreams, my hopes. I'll tell you everything you might or might not want to hear. Why? Because I fail at diaries and I just need someone to talk, to nag to. Even if they don't answer. I just need to let it all out.
With love,
Luzzie.
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