Day 151 - Part 3 - So worried.

Lin, I'm BEGGING you, let me knwo something. PLEASE.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dg3KF35GjZA&feature=related

Day 151 - Part 2 - I'm pumped.

OMGOMG. I'm officially addicted to THG.
Scratch that.
I'm officially OVERLY addicted to The Hunger Games. Just got back from watching it with Diana. How I love cinema's :3
On the one side, it was SO much better than I expected. Yes, they left out some stuff, but they added to the book too, and it was amazing.
On the other side, I was like "where did this go, where did that go, that was so important, GAH", but over all, good job Gamemakers ;)
So, yeah, I could go on forever and ever but I'd spoil just about everything... So I'll leave these two links to you guys <33

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RzhAS_GnJIc&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F0Rgn16362g

Day 151 - Part 1 - I'm so sorry.

Lin, please, PLEASE will you try to forgive me? I didn't mean to get mad at you. I didn't mean to say those things. I don't want to loose you.
Yesterday I went to bed realizing exactly what you mean to me. You keep me sane. You keep my feet on the ground, teach me and learn from me. You were the one to say things weren't getting better when I was down. Somehow, you know me inside out. And I DO love you... and need you.
I'm so scared. So afraid I'll never speak to you again, that my last moments with you were fighting, me crying my eyes out, being afraid you'll be gone when I wake up every day again.
I know you probably won't read this, but please, Lin, if you're still alive, PLEASE let me know.

"What did I do?"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Od0auj9jE8A&ob=av2e

"None of these words have been rehearsed, I don't think they can be reversed."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nb4KbEPWUw4&feature=autoplay&list=PL4AB908ED68EA04AF&lf=mh_lolz&playnext=3

Day 150 - Part 1 - When all I want to do is cry.

Close your eyes and listen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MJ1AGpL3Zx8&feature=autoplay&list=PLF52A51E2B08D4779&lf=mh_lolz&playnext=2

I'm so tired of everything. Schoolwork failing because of others, mom not making any solid plans to go to Dennis, out of inspiration, crying and exhausted. Why do all the things I want lie out of my reach?

Guess I just have to suck it up and go on. Or blame it on my period. But I'm tired of blaming too. Of blaming things, others, myself. Too tired to even bring myself to find an excuse, too tired to be dissapointed or sad. I'm just snapping out of it for a while. Oh, well.

At least there's still Dennis, making me smile even on days like today, Diana, helping me do my homework and going to the movies, Emi, hugging me, Lin, giving me the strength to go on, Jims, distracting my loaded mind, and Benne, talking me through the days.

Guess I always needed others. Guess that'll never change. And as long as there are other to help me, I'll love them and give them my all...

And I'll try to smile.

Day 148 - Part 1 - "I'll be there in a heartbeat."

SP - SP - SP

Simple Plan - Summer Paradise - Sean Paul

<33333333333333333333333

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CwZ_bmNbdAw

Oh yep. I like that :D

So, my room looks like a bomb exploded. I decided to clean up some. Of course, my cleaning up starts out with making things about 3 times worse... And giving up just after that. So now I'm working real hard to reveal my bed again, so I can sleep somewhere tonight. Ahem.

Homework is getting NOWHERE. I'm stuck at pretending to clean up, listening to music and redecorating my room... And chatting, of course ;)

I baked cakes with Barbara yesterday. For arts. Which is tomorrow. We spend hours in the kitchen, making the cakes and decorating them. Result: 2 funny-looking over-decorated cakes with tops cut off for tasting. Oh well, they still'll taste wonderful :D

I need to do a million things, but I'm so darn tired. Blaming the clock being moved an hour for today ;)

So I'll go on cleaning bubblewrapplastic and old posters, cakes and papers, books, schoolsupplies, computerstuff, fabrics of all kind, my fitting doll, tables and desks, some chairs and drawings and paintings and more mess. Wish me luck, I'd like my bed tonight :/

Day 146 - Part 1 - "Never takes the day for granted."

fun. is AWESOME.
You see for yourself (or, listen, really).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bWprhbbf53I&feature=BFa&list=PL32D788CD77009503&lf=mh_lolz

So, yeah. I guess I just had some slow days behing me. I should mail Tan for THG movie data... we're going with this huge group, which is REALLY awesome :D
And right now I'm off to the cinema with my dad... Movies all over :D

Day 144 - Part 2 - Sweaty.

I'm afraid I might be allergic to the sun :/
I've just returned from running, and I got all this weird rash all over my legs. Suckssuckssucks.
Oh well.
I just NEED a shower right now.

Day 144 - Part 1 - Neglect.

UGH, I've been terrible, not writing and all. Guess there's just not so much to say.

I've been online pretty much all week. Chatting with Dennis, gsm, skype with Lin, ppg with Benne.

Benne is the kind of guy that just seems to be pure. I don't run into those kind of people all too often, but I'm always happy when I do. The kind of person that looks so much like themselfs, it's almost impossible NOT to like them. The kind of people that don't suddenly change anymore.

And in it's own way, that brings up great conversations. I admit, they're not always too light-headed, not at all, but they leave me content and, well, almost happy, I guess. And that's a real good thing.

And on Benne's request, listen to this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-bYek22eD18

I'll be off now, there's this awesome movie (Winter's Bone) about to start on tv.

How I love Film1 :D

Day 141 - Part 1 - Letters.

In an old shoeox somewhere deep inside my wadrobe is a stack of letters. Directed to some special people I don't know yet. But I will know them. One day.
So today I wrote a new letter. And I will write more. I just know that.
I can't believe how tiring crying is :O How do you people keep up with it, crying every week orso? I mean, the energy it takes me to set free three tears makes me wanna crash on the sofa, let alone a full heads-on crying fit. How do you guys cry every week and not want to go to sleep every chance you get? :O
Oh my wow. I'm one big emotional wreckage today. Gotta finish my homework before my mom gets mad. And take off my heels. But I'm too tired to move more than just my hands.
I need sleep.
DESPERATELY.
Good thing this week's full of super short days.

Day 137 - Part 1 - Proud of me.

There's a huge stash of homework for tomorrow waiting for me on my desk, I probably failed my French test big time, I still need to work on some big insufficients, I haven't played the piano in a week and I'm slightly teary from the aftermath of writing down my story yesterday, but that doesn't matter. Because I'm so proud of me.
I just got back from running. And then I mean the running-in-the-woods-for-workout kind, not the hurry-hurry-hurry-I'm-so-late kind. I came home today, thinking "I'll be inside all day, and today's a wonderful day, lets enjoy it." I did.
I don't do sports, if you didn't figure that out yet. I cycle to school and back every day, and have PE in school, but I just don't do sports, and I want to change that. Not because I need to lose weight (god, no, I should gain some), not for the extra muscles (with WOULD help in the process of gaining weight), not even because I don't like my figure (I usually kinda love it). Because my physical condition is so low I start vomiting after 6 minutes of real running (almost did in class last Monday) and because I want to be able to get home happy instead of tired from walking stairs and cycling. And, honestly, I would like to not be picked last in PE anymore.
It feels great. I ran about 3 km, with some bits of walking and a break around the middle. It took me about half an hour (proving how bad my condition is), but it couldn't matter less. I finally get what people mean when they say sporting makes you happy. Because, to me, it almost does.
I did find out the weakest link in my body is still my left knee. It was twisted some time ago, I thing about a year by now, and it doesn't hurt or anything, but I do notice it's more vunerable than my other. Oh well, it'll strenghten. I'm planning on making this a weekly thing, for Thursdays are my short days in school anyways, but lets first just see if I make next week. I know myself, I'm not the one to keep up sports.
I cycled home in this sort of daze, though. It's my state of near-happiness, a peaceful look on my face, enjoying the weather and the tiny miracles around me. A butterfly flying in front of my face, a bird singing over my head, people smiling at me and the beauty of imperfection.
And now I need to go take a shower like crazy, because sweat makes me stink.

Day 136 - Part 1 - Butterflies in my head.

I'm so freaking tired. I;ve got a hard time keeping my eyes open, sleep too few, fail in school.
I'm working on things, though. Brought my drawing in for arts, which was due a month ago and I faked losing it because I didn't finish it, did history homework I had to catch up on, asked for a copy of "The Book Thief", so I can finish my English essay. I did my extra work for French and working on my history file and the story that goes with it and Origin. I write down all the homework I get, even though it's unneccesary or already finished.
And it never seems enough. New work streams in, insufficients stack themselves, more tasks follow and teachers never seem happy. My legs hurt, my eyes drop, I drag myself through schooldays and cry without tears at night. And all the while, my head's full of butterflies.
I know butterflies are supposed to be in my belly, and they are, but I mean my thoughts are stuck on them. With my art project, we're doing something with themes, and long story short, I'm making butterflies and wishes. So I'm thinking about what I can do, how I can make a drawing look like a butterfly, and when I'm stuck, I just see all these bright colours and shapes and they kinda look like butterflies... And I'm thinking it might be hallucinations and me having the flu or something, if it weren't for the fact I am a 100% sure it's not.
Maybe it's just an overdosis writing on vamp stories and shapes of souls and the enormous lack of sleep.

Day 131 - Part 1 - Sick but happy.

I just figured out why I've been feeling like crap all week. I think I'm being sick. Headache, stomacheache, tired muscles and a foggy mind. I'm not sure, though. I'm not used to being sick, and I don't really knows how it feels. Which, in itself, is a pretty odd sensation too.
And I think crying just tears me down. I mean the real kind of crying, the one that comes with sobs and biting your hand and snotty noses and puffy eyes. Not saying that other kinds of crying are fake, but I can't really trust myself with quietly crying. So, this morning, I cried myself out in class. And for the first time, I didn't even slightly are that people could see me. To be honest, I was almost proud of being addressed in the hallway because my eyes were still red afterwards. But I do remember one thing I thought when I stepped out of the classroom: "Crying in my first period. What will the rest of the day bring?"
As it turns out, it was not that bad at all. I went to the wrong classroom for math, but the teacher was gone for the fist 10 minutes, so that didn't quite matter. Did no French homework and pretended I forgot my notebook AGAIN, and only got told I just have to hand in my extra work tomorrow. Reading for myself while the teacher dwells over stuff in English. Got out early.
Then I headed for town with my friend, who desparately wanted to still buy me a birthday present. So we went into this one store, hung about the jewelery, and just as we were on our way out, we hit the sunglasses-and-summerstuff stand, where I got these most amazing retro-hippie sunglasses :3
And my friend brought me a case for it and a supercute tiny bag with an adorable mixed tape print where even my mobile phone doesn't fit in, and she even payed for new fillings for my pencil. And we went to the market, and eat some real nice warm sandwitchthing at this supercute cafe, and strolled around on the market some more.
And now I'm waiting for my sister to be dropped of, freezing up here in my room and writing the groceryshoppinglist down, because I have to bring my sis to dance and do the foodshopping and I really, REALLY want Dennis to be online and to see his face and I want to talk to Lin and I wish the heaters worked properly so I wouldn't have to huddle in a blanket.
I also want a few minutes for myself, to calm down and breathe and read some and maybe sleep a bit. I still wonder when honeworl's gonna fit into the plan, for I have to do quite some stuff and have a test tomorrow on which I haven't even started yet.
Whoohoo. -.-'

Day 127 - Part 2 - Close your eyes.

But open your heart. <3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&v=kC3XtTdw3GQ&NR=1

Day 127 - Part 1 - Get working.

Homework. Loads and loads and loads of it. That is what my day looks like.
Holidays, yeah great.

But, I guess I'm happy. Because Dennis doesn't smoke, Lin and I are fine again, Jims and Lin are sweet, and my mom is agreeing to lots of things lately. Like, visiting dennis somewhere soon, meeting Jims and Lin, and me having a job. Which, by the way, I'm gonna quit first chance I get. Darn, all that stupid work for so few money... Not for anymore. Let them find someone else.

And music just helps me. Jack's mannequin has been providing sound in my room for a week now, and I can't get enough of it. It's so amazing. You guys should get addicted like me :3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KixjgEpRohA&feature=autoplay&list=PLBB90EE52EF827D3B&lf=mh_lolz&playnext=5

Day 126 - Part 1 - Visits and worries.

So, Jims and Lin and I are finally trying to meet up. Which is absolutely great :D
Maybe even tomorrow :D
I'm real excited :3

Also, skype is great. Had tons of convo's and seeing Dennis again just made my heart stop then race like crazy. And then, the one thing happens that makes me doubt myself. Dennis, I need to ask. I need to know.
Do you smoke?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rVFgfuiyBHw&feature=endscreen&NR=1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x9_tmofHfAc

Day 125 - Part 4 - Oh, GREAT

And now I'm just crying over absolutely NOTHING.

Fantastic -.-'

I hope sarcasm is detectable over the internet.

Day 125 - Part 3 - Now I'm sure.

Proved: My head swept sideways, leaning onto a chushioned chair - Word and Origin started up, but I can't seem to get on with it - Listen to music that makes me cry - WAAAYYYY too tired - Taking everything small and transforming it into a HUGE problem - Teary - Moody - Emotional dweep...

Oh yes, it's one of those down times again...

Day 125 - Part 2 - Come home to me.

I love you then I'm mad at you... What's wrong with me? Why can't I just accept things and smile? Suck it all up? Gosh, I'm being moody. And I'm not even on my period.
No, I'm having one of those down times again.

Day 125 - Part 1 - "And today was a day just like any other."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qzvu_Qol9kA&feature=autoplay&list=PL808F4D99C14F699E&lf=mh_lolz&playnext=2

So Lin and I are fine again. Phew.
Today, I threw out a HUGE bag of clothing. I was trying to find something to wear when one of the shelfs fell through for the SOMANIETH time... And I couldn't get it back in properly. So I tried and tried, and then decided to clean out that one shelf, which resulted in cleaning out another, and another, and now, for the first time since a year or two, it's actually possible to see the shelfs and the backside of my wardrobe, and I dropped a HUGE stash of clothing :D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KixjgEpRohA&feature=related

Oh, I could go on forever on Jack's Mannequin :3 But, his music speaks for itself :3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dv-T7l4VUGg&feature=related

So, Dennis, why no skype? I've been waiting all day.
You promised.

Day 124 - Part 1 - If only I could make you listen...

I'm the worst friend you can imagine. I know that. I know that and I'm sorry, and I know apologies won't fix a thing. I know I suck at being nice and always just step over the line. I know that people hate me, always have and always will. I know I made friends leave me over and over again, that I'm broken and don't deserve another chance. I know that, OK? Just believe me when I say I'm sorry, please. Please.
I'm begging you with all my might, girl, and if you could see me at this very moment, you would know. If only I could make you listen.
If only I could reach you...

Day 124 - Part 1 - And just like that,

a day filled with happiness, joy and laughter turns to tears.

Day 124 - Part 1 - Such is life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WU8k4UElndw&feature=autoplay&list=PLB2CCC8DC78C052F7&lf=mh_lolz&playnext=13

OMGOMG I LOVE THAT SONG. *bouncebounce*

And then, things turn out so completely different from what you imagined them to be. You cry a little, hate some people, laugh and pretend to shrug things off... Yet somehow, nothing works. Why can't you see that I'm not the nicest person, even if I try so freaking damn hard? Why don't you know I'm broken beyond repair, and have the terrible habit to reflect that onto others?

Why don't you see the broken little chinadoll behind the laughs and tough appearances?

Why can't you just see me, me who cries and hurts just the same as you? Me who doesn't dare, pretends to be brave, dissapoints people and never dares to try again? Why don't you realize I'm long beyond care of what people think of me, because they think ill no matter what I say or do? No matter who I pretend to be, no matter who I am?

Why can't you just see me?