Day 218 - Part 1 - The problem is, darling, I think you sometimes forget to be happy with yourself, too.

I like today. I really do. And I will like it for some more.
So I have a 9 in Drama. On a scale of 1 to 10. Which, is like, AWESOME. yk, the critics we're grading on (you basicly give yourself a mark, let the group talk about it a little, and then the teacher, she makes up the final mark) are more or less this: did you grow and did you learn what you wanted to learn?
So for growing, I definitely did. I learned to play better, take on heavier parts, I even learned to give better feedback, which is a big part of acting. The reflecting on things and such, yk.
And then for what I wanted to learn. At the beginning of the year, our teacher asked to say why we were taking the drama course. There were all this people going like "for fun, for learning to present something" etc. And I came up with honesty.
Because, what I really wanted to learn in Drama, was to be able to open up. To be honest about who I am and what I've been through, and the learn to trust people. So today, when we were grading, my teacher asked me if I did learn to be honest.
And I said I grew. Because I did. I might not have grown that much as an actor, but I've grown personally. It's less recognisable but more feelable. And I've not so much learned to be open to everyone, but I've learned to be honest. With myself. And I didn't learn to trust people. I've learned to be able to trust people. And that is so much more than I expected.
As it turns out, my day started pretty great. And it didn't fail on me. My lessons were pretty boring but not all too bad, my free period was spend outside in the sun reading a book (One Day by David Nicholls, it's AMAZING AMAZING, you should all totally read it, wow <3) and by the time I turned my iPod on and cycled home, nothing could break my mood. I don't know if I ever said this before but I'll say it again, did you ever notice how every single song turns into asummer hit when the sun's shining and the weather's great? It's amazing. You should try it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yP4qdefD2To&ob=av2e
And what you should also do is read Amino's story. He is a pretty awesome writer, but shush, don't tell him that, no need to make him feel all posh and sturdy. He's special as things are, right?
http://amino-talks.blogspot.com/
ANDANDAND. Why is the mail so freaking slow? Does it really have to take over a week to go deliver a package to Germany? Gosh, Dennins still didn't get his present. :/
Oh, and I signed up for Kunstbende today. Which is a competition for young talent. And I signed up of "Fashion", so third collection, here I come :D

'It's not gonna change you, is it?'
'What?'
'Being very, very, very, very slightly famous.'
~ David Nicholls

Day 217 - Part 1 - Happy birthday and holidays.

Last Thursday, my mom came home saying, "guys, I've booked a hut on a campsite somewhere for this weekend, we're leaving tomorrow, who's coming?" So I jumped up being all happy and called Alice to come along and just went off for the weekend.
And it was wonderful. Sun all over, me getting stung by insects and sorts three times within the first hour, huge outside swimming pool down the road and LOTS of suncream. :D
And, even better, I actually managed to sneak in some homework. Applause for me. x)
ANDDDD, HAPPY BIRTHDAY DENNIS <3
Now my boyfriend is 2 years older than me :D
Awesome. <3

Day 212 - Part 1 - Worrydolls and a heartattack.

Today's WONDERFUL <3
The weather's still amazing, school's pretty okay, I gave Cille and Diana worrydolls and letters (well, I gave Cille a letter and just told Diana), I even have 2 worrydolls for myself. I'm going shopping with Diana in half an hour, I love my outfit and my sunglasses.
When I get home, I always check the mail if there's something for me. Usually there isn't though, and if there is it's usually just banknotes, but today there was a letter from the government. And that just scared me to hell. Because my brother had a lot of trouble with childservices (they're total bitches, don't be mistaken), and for a moment I thought they were placing me out. Especially since there's a letter for my sister and my mom, too. Gosh I had a heartattack, unbelievable.
And I happen to be so much happier when I hardly sleep at all at night. It so strange. I have been lying awake till 2 am, and today I'm just so happy and just... Feeling good.
And now I've got to hurry, Diana'll be here in a few minutes and I still have a lot to do. ^^

Day 211 - Part 1 - Summertime and tights.

The weather's so wonderful this week. It's all sunny and warm, I've been walking around in short summer dresses and skirts all week. :D
I've also been wearing my contacts. I never noticed before how small my eyes get when I wear my glasses, but now that I don't wear them, it's so obvious, omg. I love my sunglasees, btw. They're so cute :3
The only thing I hate about the weather is my skin. (Makes sense, huh?) The point is, I'm so darn white, I need to spend like 10 minutes putting suncream on to make sure I don't get lobster red. But I still get sunburned. UGH, I hate that. :/
So my computer officially crashed yesterday. Even safe mode won't work. And my dad doesn't really have time to go fix it until next week, so I'm stuck behind his again. -.-'
Also, I brought me some tights, to block the sun and make me a little less embarrassed about the shortness of my dress (it IS really short), but it already had a ladder in it after a few hours, so I cut out the middle parts, and just walked on with weird socks and still some kind of cover-up under my skirt. So, yeah, bad quality. Not that any of those tights are real good quality, they all rip up after a day or two, so I'm glad I just brought the cheapest kind.
I've also been writing letters. Another task on my list. It feels good to let people know what they mean to me. I love it when someone likes something I do, or just likes me, and I like to be told. (Oh, yesh, I love ego boosts :P) So I figured, others might as well. And that's what I'm doing. Letters to friends and lovers. People, watch the mail ;)

Day 209 - Part 1 - I trip, you fall.

I hate school. Well, not so much school, more the homework-tests-and-forced-to-be-in-time part. If it just were for the classes, I'd probably really enjoy school. And my mom wouldn't make such a point about me computering all day long.
So we decided to move the computer downstairs. The thing is, I spend about as much time on my computer as I do in school. Which is really, REALLY bad. You can ask my grades. :/
I need to get my sister out of the bath. She and a friend of hers smeared facepaint all over their bodies. And they keep begging for more time, though her friend will be picked up soon. So I just gave them another 2 minutes. Because I don't feel like arguing with a bunch of 9-year olds.
There's just too much for me to do. And I keep stumbling over myself, over all the things I should be but am not.
I trip all the time. I trip. But you fall.

Day 205 - Part 1 - Extra virgin.

I'm totally lacking motivation for anything today. I've got to write my English essay, I really want to call Lin but I have no idea what to tell her, because I think she won't believe I really do care, I can't keep up any conversation and I'm even too lazy to get some food, which is terrible.
So I spend the day in roli and watching TV with my mom, sometimes writing a few extra lines on my essay but never really getting anythere. It really sucks.
Song of the day: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bK463fcJebI&ob=av2n
Oh, and I just realized, why do bottles of olive oil say "Extra Virgin"? Like, did they put in 2 virgins instead of one? I thought it was suitable for veggies.
So confuzzled rn.

Day 203 - Part 1 - Drama 101

I hate being overemotional. I've had a shortage of sleep like, forever, but I'm actually starting to notice it now. I'm being a total bitch to my sister (I'm sorry little sis D:), I get angry over the tinyest of things, my spelling's totally floppy (as you may have noticed), and I suddenly cry.
And not just cry, CRY. I mean the long, weeping, out-of-breath, terrible noises cry. It's so annoying -.-'
And once I've started, everything starts to shake (including me) and I just CAN'T stop. I hate that.
So I baked 2 cakes today, totally awesome, and I already knew I was short on time and low on ingredients. So what do I do? After 2 hours of decorating, I drop one. Ful outburst of tears, cake all over the floor, me in rocking tears, and then my brother (who can be totally sweet and awesome) came down and heard me rant and then went downstairs to clean up the kitchen for me. It all turned out pretty fine though, and both girls loved their cakes.
The good part is, I made another 2 goals. That's 3 in 4 days, I'm really proud of me :D

I'm a walking wreckage, YAY! :D (And no, that's not sarcasm, I'm so darn tired that being a walking wreckage sounds like the better option.)

Day 202 - Part 2 - Raeeeeee

She has a blog now. You guys should totally check it out, she's so sweet and it's really cute and fun to read and afjkghajksdg just follow it ^^
http://www.theraerayy.blogspot.co.uk/

Day 202 - Part 1 - Jeans and pancakes.

Okay WHY did I put pancakes in there? That doesn't even have anything to do with anything. What's wrong with me? xD
Anyways, I got to sleep in this morning <3
First 2 hours off, that just makes my day. Then just plain old boring school ._.
And, I fixed 3 pairs of jeans today. *pats on shoulder* Fixing jeans is seriousely one of the most boring things you can do with a sewingmachine. It's just turning yourself onto autopilot and let your hands do the work, not thinking, nothing difficult. And I like challenges, so it's just boring to me. But I've been putting it off all this time, those jeans have been lying around forever, so I figured it would be time to finally go fix them.
And I didn't even start on my list yet D:
Before I started, I was like, I want to do this thing and that thing and that thing but I CAN'T because it's not day 200 yet. And now it's past day 200, and I'm like "ah, I'll do that later on". I'm such a strange person.

Day 200 - Part 1 - The countdown.

21 tasks in 100 days - 100 days to live my life
So I was thinking, 200 days of blogging. And in those 200 days, there's so much I have done, and at the same time so much I haven't. And that's when an idea popped into my mind.
Because, what if I never do the things I really want to do? That would suck. So I made a list. A list of tasks I want to have done in 100 days. I ended up with 21 of them, writtin out in a really nice notebook, with space for remarks, crossing out days, thank-you's and things I came across in the 100 days.
And I decided to start at day 200. Not only because it's another big achievement for me, but also because I couldn't wait another 65 days to have the list finished by a year of blogging.
Today, I will change my life and do the things I always wanted to.
For the journey is the destination.

Day 199 - Part 1 - Starting the countdown.

Wow. 199 days of blogging. That's a LOT. It feels really odd, especially knowing I'm going to open a new chapter to my life tomorrow. But that I'll tell you later ;)
So today was just plain old boring school. I wrote down the list in this super cure notebook and I skipped eating the orange because I didn't feel like getting my hands all wet and sticky. And then I firgured out I can put the cable of my computerboxes into my iPod and have loved the idea ever since.
Anyways, I'm just spamming Roli and stalking twitter and poking people and being tired and trying to install skype on my phone again, which of course doesn't work.

Day 198 - Part 1 - Oranges and excitement.

Rae helped me find out why I have so many random nosebleeds (thank you Rae :D). Turns out, I've got a huge shortage of vitamins for not eating fruit. And when I say huge, I mean HUGE. The kind that I haven't eaten fruit in over a month and don't take vitamin pills or anything. So I've been taking organges to school for the last 2 days, and I actually feel better already. Which is probably my mind playing tricks on me, but that doesn't really matter.
So I guess my list is finished now, it's kinda creepy to know I'll start on it in 2 days. Sounds like a movie or something. My life is a movie :D
And I went to the dentist. The maximum for my braces to stay in is until December.
FUCKING DECEMBER.
That's so long still :(
And they had to adjust all kinds of stuff, so my teeth hurt once again :/
Ugh, thus sucks. Can't wait for them to get out. At least I'll be able to just brush my teeth normally then.
And now back to homework. I'm being so nice to school lately. Which reminds me, I need to check on my marks again, see if I got any A's orso. ;P

Day 197 - Part 2 - Piano.

I decided to go play some piano again, and I looked through my sheets and found "My Immortal" (which I can play a part of now), "Almost Lover" (which sounds absolutely AMAZING and suits my voice) and "Dance of the Dragonfly" (Bob sent me the link, and I found sheet music. It's the kind of music where I look at the right hand, which has most of the melody, think "Oh, that's a good challenge", see the left hand and go crazy because it's REALLY difficult, even for someone who has had classes for 10 years. I tried it anyways, and can play like 1 line, but it sounds really awesome).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5anLPw0Efmo&ob=av2e
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lsWsasqIoyk&ob=av2e
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7kKg_GCbvk4

Day 197 - Part 1 - I hate waiting.

So I can't start on my list yet because the days haven't started, and there's actually some things I really want to start on :/
But, I can rant all I wants about the letter I sent Dennis, since that has arrived. So I was in a very ADHD-y mood, it was past midnight, holidays, and I almost had to go back to school. So what is it I do? Exactly. Write my boyfriend a letter.
With tiny drawings spreading all over the paper, random remarks, a piece of extra paper taped to it because I was out of paper, weird notes, hyper writing and making no sense at all.
And I made pictures of a lot of drawings :D
I won't bore you with those all, so I'll just post this one ;)
http://i50.tinypic.com/2a91g28.jpg

Oh, and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FE1nfva5gvg

Day 196 - Part 1 - This is art.

Baking is AWESOME, you guys :D
So I had to do some school project about text and art, and I baked a cake, and wrote "This is art" on there, the concept being it's not art unless you intend it to be.
So I had to wake up at 6.30 in the morning so dad could drive me to school to get the cake there in one piece (cycling with it was no option, walking would take an hour or more), and my teacher was pretty enthousiastic about it.
Then I cut it up and gave all my classmates a piece and we ate it :D
And now I'm writing out my list, after playing some piano and not doing homework ;)
I'll tell you guys about the list later :D
Oh, and I found myself another song to play and sing. This one.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lsWsasqIoyk&ob=av2e
And I got off school early. That was cool :)

Oh, and this song, it's absolutely WONDERFUL.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WbN0nX61rIs&ob=av2e

Day 194 - Part 1 - Kitchen.

I just spend 2 days in the kitchen, baking cakes and muffins and all kinds of stuff.
Because, yk, tomorrow's my sister's birthday, so she celebrated it today, and we had this kind of high-tea thing going around, with chocolate and cake and bread with sausage and potato chips and all that kind of stuff, and my mom and I had to make EVERYTHING, so we spend the last 2 days in the kitchen baking and cooking.
This morning only, I mean, 4 hours non-stop decorating... It was fun but really tiring. And the cake was gone within 10 minutes. But it was so worth it :D
And the birthday cake looked so cute :3
So, yeah, my days were pretty empty. It was mostly just baking. And my sis having a party. But, yk, socializing with grown-ups isn't all too exiting to talk about on here, because we always discuss the same problems: Their kids, me, my brother and all his problems, my siter, friend and family, the news. It kinda gets old talking about it afterwards after a couple of years.
And my mind's really slow today. It's all filled up with sugar and butter and all kinds of ingredients and decorating things... I can notice I haven't been doing anything but baking the last few days.
And I think I washed my hands about a million times. They're still sticky.

Day 192 - Part 2 - Paperweight.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PYiG5tpCOF4
Listen to that while reading. And if you're out of music before you're out of text, play the song again. And again. And again, if you need to.
So today was one hell of an emotional rollercoaster. Waking up was hell, then waking Lin was fun and we had a great time and then going back home in the train I was just really sad. After that, I was pretending to be happy with my parents, and we went off to remember the dead. It's an annual thing here in the Netherlands, we remember those who died so we can live in freedom now. So that was just pressing on me a little, because that started after WW2 and being Jewish, I really try to figure out all I can about WW2, to know how my parents and their parents became who they are now. And to discover a part of myself, too.
Then I went home and watched the last part of "Dear John", which I started watching with Lin but we didn't have enough time to finish it because I had to catch my train. So I cried over the movie, because it's just so sad and I'm a total emotional dweep when it comes to movies like that, and I can still feel the tears on my face.
And then came the hard conversation with Dennis, which really was difficult for me, and I made him feel bad and I hate me for that, but I just had to let him know how I felt and stuff and luckily we're good now. We should pick a date for me to come over or something.
Now that I'm sitting here typing everything out, I can feel the tears forming in my eyes and I know they'll start rolling down my cheeks any moment, but that's a good thing. Because as long as I dare to cry, everything will be fine.

Day 192 - Part 1 - Nightmares and breakfast.

I woke up this morning feeling terrible. -.-'
But, Lin was in the bed next to my mattress, so I was happy pretty soon again.
idk, it is weird. My dreams used to be amazing because Dennis was in them, now they hurt so much because he's in them. Not because he does hurtful things in my dreams, far from, but because it hurts seeing us so happy in my dreams.
And then I also woke up at 10 AM, after staying up till 2 AM, which is really, REALLY odd for me, because I usually sleep till 11 AM when I go to bed at midnight :/
And it wasn't the room or anything. That's happening a lot lately.
What's also happening a lot is crying myself to sleep. Or being on the verge of crying. And waking up with the same feeling.
So, yeah, I'm feeling totally crap these days..
Luckily there's Lin, who's sitting next to me reading along and snorting but kinda smiling too because she's amazing :D
She is.
Now hug her.
Good. ^^
UGH, I hate this feeling. WHY can't some people just DECIDE?
And I'm having breakfast now :D
Which is all chocolaty and nice :D
I love chocolate, btw ^^

Day 191 - Part 2 - Just wondering.

So, did you talk to her yet? I really want to know how things are for us now. Mail me?

Day 191 - Part 1 - GAH.

Hi people :D
Hehe, so I'm at Lin's now and we're totally random and hyper and happy and such :3
AND. I was gonna show her something on youtube but I forgot what because I got distracted by myself (which happens a lot, really ^^), and now I forgot but I do remember it was supermeganice and I really wanted to show her and GAH.
And Lin's reading along and kinda laughing and such and saying "tsss" as she reads what I just wrote, and OMG I FORGOT TO CALL MY MOM D:
Anyways, hi. ^^

Day 190 - Part 6 - Show me some love.

I mean, I don't care if you can't tell me you love me. As long and I know you do. And it might not even be enough, but I don't care. You love me, that's all that matters now.
ANDDDDD, I'm packing up my bags, going to Lin tomorrow :D
So I'll be back later guys :D
Miss me if you will ;)

Day 190 - Part 5 - Fan-tastic,

So does anyone have any ideas on how to stop a bleeding nose? I've got one again -.-'

Day 190 - Part 4 - So who's spamming me?

Because my viewstats go up like SO MUCH because I think someone's spamming my blog :D
Not that I really mind.
I love blogviews. :D

Day 190 - Part 3 - Go follow

or I'll come for you and lie under your bed and creep you out at night and then you'll better listen to me before I fry you all with my firebreathing :D
Hehe :P

assayame.blogspot.com
That's Lin's blog ^^
Now go see it and follow :D

Day 190 - Part 2 - FUCK.

Excuse my language.
So, yeah, a lot of things are going down again. Why can't life just for once be nice to me?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tvtJPs8IDgU

Day 190 - Part 1 - Ymir.

I did some drawing :D
http://i45.tinypic.com/2m3jkgp.jpg
http://i46.tinypic.com/jfdzih.jpg
http://i46.tinypic.com/2rfsxok.jpg
http://i46.tinypic.com/2aacbo1.jpg

And now I'm actually doing my homework :O
Which I'm pretty proud of myself for, since I've been putting it off all week. But it's not that bad. Yet. ;)

Day 189 - Part 2 - Then there's Emi.

Emi is fantastic. And amazing. More than that. She made me smile, and now we're being fantasticly girlie and talking about me meeting Dennis and all :D
So I'm going on and on about our day, and Emi's just sitting there being so happy for me and I'm like, only she can make me feel like this on a day like today, which is amazing, since I never thought anyone could ever make me smile a year ago, and Emi's cheered me up again, as she does every time I'm down.
So thank you, sweetie sweetie Emi thing <3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wDnfCuakV64&ob=av2e

Day 189 - Part 1 - At least there's tears.

So I know it means something to me, at least.
Was it really worthless then? Meaningless from the beginning? Can I really throw this all away?
I guess it was doomed anyway.