Day 187 - Part 3 - Never knew it could hurt so much.

I MISS HIM I MISS HIM I MISS HIM.
Someone let me go to Dennis, please? I miss him so much, I love him, and I just to be with him :(
GAH, I miss him SO much :'(

Day 187 - Part 3 - Lin's got a boyfriend

nanananananaaaa :P

Day 187 - Part 2 - Partytime :D

So, Lin, now we can doubledate ^^
Congratz sweetie. I told you you're amazing <3
And, you're right, he's pretty adorable. You mind if I stick to Dennis, though? ;)
Congratzcongratzcongratzcongratz sayhifromme we'regonnayellalotthursday ;)
Ily sweetie ^^

Day 187 - Part 1 - So, yeah, Rae,

you're right. I should listen to you more often. ^^

Day 186 - Part 1 - Oh, and we kissed.

So today was amazing. More than amazing. Perfect. If only it could've lasted longer :/
So I woke up at 6.30 AM, and I'm still tired because of that. Anyways, we got in the car, drove the wrong way like twice, and ended up running late for like half an hour. Which sucked, since only had so much time :/
And then my family and me walked into this café and guess who was there?
Exactly.
Dennis. <3
So, we hugged. And our families looked at us. And we all sat down at this table going like "well THIS is akward". And then my mom sent Dennis and me away, which was a really great idea, because we were just sitting there next to eachother going "yep, so, no talking/touching/hugging/kissing in front of parents, appearantly".
So we walked out and held hands and strolled around the city a little talking about whatever. We talked so much, unbelievable :D
And then we found this pretty deserted park and sat down on a bench watching the church making a lot of noise for over half an hour, sitting there on his jacket (that was so sweet <3) hugging and talking about anything. And I was just holding on tight and looking at him and trying to work up the courage to kiss him.
And then Dennis got cold and he put his jacket back on and we were like "bearhug", and then he kissed me on the cheek, and that was the thing that made me brave enought to kiss him back so I kissed his neck (yeah I'm tiny) and then we kissed kissed. Like, with tongues and all <3
And I hear from people all around me that first kisses are supposed to be akward and pretty gross but I actually really really loved it. Yeah, that would be me, the weird crazy little girl that hates the things everyone likes and loves the things everyone dislikes.
And then we kissed some more, and I swear I could've been sitting there on that bench all day kissing my supermegasweetandamazingboyfriend.

Day 180 - Part 3 - Tomorrow.

Dennis just reminded me I totally forgot to mention us meeting tomorrow :O
I thought I did that ages ago D:
Anyways, TOMORROW WE'RE GONNA MEET <3
OMGOMG I'm so excited and soooo nervous. And Rae keeps telling me to not be, that it'll be fine and such, but I'm nervous anyway.
And I cleaned out my whole room because my mom said we're not going if I didn't, so I just finished vacuuming it, and it looks so darn empty. I threw out 4 full garbage bags, if not more. I never knew I had so much junk in my room :/
Oh, well, I can't wait for the morning to come <3

Day 180 - Part 2 - FINE then.

So this is what happens when I troll omegle but that fails and I happen to find someone who's actually pretty nice. ^^

Bob: What are YOU up to?
Luzzie: nothing you? ;P
Bob: Stilllllllllllll omegle. Why not blog some more?
Luzzie: ugh, I have nothing to write about :/
Bob: Your day?
Luzzie: "I just sat behing the computer all day instead of doing homework."
Bob: "I talked to my awesome friend from Australia"
Luzzie: "And he loves to brag about himself." ;)
Bob: Exactly! Now you have something to write about. xD

Yeah, I know I'm weird. Love me for that ;)

Day 180 - Part 1 - Pictures.

So I just figured out I didn't have a single pic of me on my blog... Which is pretty terrible, since my blog's all about me. Gosh, that sounds selfish D:

Anyways, say hi ^^

This was somewhere last December orso, the gap between my teeth is gone, but it's the most recent pic of me that I actually like. I'm not all too great on pics. ;)

Day 175 - Part 2 - Smiles.

So I'm pretty happy, actually. All fluffyfluffyBOUNCE today ^^
And I loveloveLOVE coffee ^^
And icecream ^^
And trolling omegle ^^
Ahem. So, yeah, as you probably see, I didn't take my meds today. I'm bouncy and hyper. And smiling all the time. And I have my radio on. To keep me kinda calm-ish.
Which it not a flawless system :/

Day 175 - Part 1 - Confessions.

I know there's some mistakes in there, and I switched around some names for privicy matter, but I just needed to get this out here.

Hello there, my name is Luzzie and I'm 15 years old. I have been bullied, and affected by it, for just over six years, so since I was eight. It all started out real innocent, when this new girl came to my school. I was a new student that year, and this girl came in halfway through my first year. I figured, she's new too, so she must be careful and shy. Since I was the newest kid half a year before, I tried everythng to make the girl feel welcome, because I know I liked the way my class reacted upon my arrival. This girl, Emma, she seemed to be just another girl to me. I liked her a little, not too much and not too few, like I liked all the classmates I had nothing to do with other than being in the same class with. But she seemed to like me as a friend, and I went right along with her.
To be real honest, I'm not fully sure of what happened the last six years. It's like someone blew a hole into my memory to block out my worst nightmares and returns pieces to me so slowly I'm not sure if I'll ever remember everything. The things I do remember are so aweful I sometimes still lay awake at night, thinking of how I lived through all that. I wasn't physically bullied, but in my opinion mental bullying is just as bad. I remember being shut out of games, biting my lips until they bleed so I wouldn't cry, sitting in the corner of the playground smashing my bag into anyone who came too near. And then teachers grabbing me by the arm and dragging me inside, the principal coming down and forcing me upstairs because I'd either go limp or fight the life out of me.
At home, things weren't any better. No one hurted me, physically nor mentally, but I'd start screaming and shouting the moment someone pointed at me, and got send to my room a lot. The emotions I were so afraid to show in school came out doubled, tripled, at home. I screamed at my mom like she ripped off my arm, yelled at my father like he'd thrown me out of some window.
The grown-ups around me couldn't see what was happening. Sure, I told my parents and my teacher how I felt, but they didn't grasp exactly what was going on, or how bad things were. Also, after schooltime, I was great friends with Emma. Looking back, I think that was because I was so desperate for attention, I'd take any available, even if that meant going home with the person that set the whole class against me, for attention was attention, and no one else would play with me.I fought with my friends a lot. I told them I didn't believe they still liked me, told them all they did was acting friendly only to make me feel worse later. I lost all contact with people who actually liked me.
In high school, which I started at eleven (that has to do with the Dutch school system and me spending only one year in kindergarten), I already has 2 shrinks and a load of emotional damage I'm not sure I can ever fix. I was so messed up no one could see who I really was. I acted childish and arrogant, to make sure no one would feel the need to let me in and hurt me like I've been hurted. For the first year, I had exactly one friend, who I was scared to talk to because I was afraid of letting her in. Talking about myself is still a big issue for me, but I'm glad I actually can right now.
Not long after starting high school, I hated myself so much, I didn't want to live anymore. I've never attempted suicide, luckily, because who knows where I would be right now if I had. The only thing stopping me from killing myself was my little sister. She was around six when the idea first dawned upon me, and all I could think was that she was way too young to loose a sister. A little after that, by the time I had worked out that I really didn't want to live and would wait until my sister would be eight or ten, I told two of my best friends, two girls I met on some sort of summercamp. They had the courage to call my mother and tell her everything they knew, and I still owe my life to them. Literally.
My mom and dad spoke to me about it, and told me that, with my permission, they'd find me a psychologist. So they did.
By the time I went to the second grade of high school, they found me one, and I went to her once every two weeks. As far as I can remember, those afternoons were the only ones I allowed myself to feel some sort of happiness. I cycled away from the building with a smile forming on my face every time, and it felt good to be able to talk to someone. After a couple of times, she decided to test me on ADD/ADHD, because my brother was dignosed with ADD short before and my mom thought she had it too. It turned out positive, and things fell into an entirely new perspective to me. Having ADHD ment explaining to myself why I was so hyper in groups and why I didn't emotionally dare to do so many things. It also showed me that it might have been possible that not everything was my fault, something I didn't believe, no matter how many times people told me.
Last year came the final thing for me to start leaving it behind me. I had gotten started on medication for the ADHD, I was still in school and my feeling of wanting to commit suicide had lessened to the point where I started doubting it. The classes were being reformed because so many people had dropped out, and all I could thnk was "there goes all the work I did, now I have to start all over again learning to trust people". Instead, Emi came.
She has been my friend from the very moment we first entered the classroom. I often still wonder how we came to be friends, but there just doesn't seem to be a first step, no logical explanation. She trusted me for some reason and gave me the courage to use my voice. That year, I used the speech we had to do in Dutch classes as opportunity to tell my classmates about myself. I didn't prepare anything for it, and words didn't came easy, but in the end I was able to explain to my classmates why I sometimes acted so hyper and why sometimes I was so sad I'd crawl into a corner and did everything to bite down tears. Because the tears, they still wouldn't come.
Now that I really think about it, I can't remember crying at all in those six years. Maybe sometimes because of physical pain - bumping my head into something, tripping and falling to the floor face-first, someone throwing something that accidentally hit me - but never one of emotional or mental pain. I didn't dare to, thought it made me look weak, an easy target.
Life got easier on me after telling my classmates. Knowing I could tell something and make others listen, seeing the reactions and the recognition on the faces. I was almost back to happy.
Thinking about it, there are and will always be other needed to make me feel fine. My friends telling my mom, Maaike, my only friend in the first few grades of high school (and still a real good friend), Emi, who helped me gather pieces of my shattered emotions, my few other friends, who help my days livable again, and my boyfriend, who makes me smile on days I'd rather jump off a roof and then climb back up to do it again, so the pain can distract my mind. It's still not easy being me, but I'm working on it.
One thing I'm very glad about is that I never cut myself, or inflicted any other kind of physical pain. At the time, this was mostly because I didn't want anyone to see how weak I was for having been bullied (at least, it felt as being weak), and not being able to get over it alone. Now I'm just glad I don't have to explain it to every stranger, don't get stared at walking around in a T-shirt. Looking back, I see it as a way of being strong, real strong, to handle all the pain alone, without cutting or crying or turning to others. I might should have been more relaying on others, for it would have helped me a great deal, but I do see it as a strongness, instead of the weakess I saw in it before.
I still have my bad days, days I'm not sure I'll get through, days I fake a smile to cover up the tears so I won't have to explain. Because explaining the amount, the intensity of the pain inside of me is so much more difficult than faking a smile and pretending to be happy.
No, I'm not happy yet. But after all that happened to me on the way to being right were I am, who I am, I know I'm getting there.

Day 174 - Part 1 - Shoot me, will ya?

I've been terribly absent these last few days, the tab staring me in my face, doing absolutely nothing. My mind is being so slow these days. I mean, during the week I don't sleep enough and get tired, in the weekends I sleep so much that sleeping gets me tired :/
Luckily, there's always coffee. Better to say, chococoffee with sugar, foamed milk and haselnut syrup. Yummy yummy :D
So I probably failed my French, which means I'm gonna fail this year, but I couldn't care less. Right now, I'm just trying to keep Lin and me alive. And saying goodbye to gsm :'(

Day 169 - Part 1 - How I became a good girl.

I haven't touched my computer all weekend, so proud of me ;)

I did grab my phone, but let's not count that ;)

My point is, I did homework. REAL homework. Like, learning and revising and writing down all my French, doing all sorts of writtien stuff of other topics, pleasing my mom, pleasing myself, too.

I drew a lot, too. I brought charcoal on Thursday, and IT LOOKS SO AWESOME. My hands are in a state of permanent blackness, but that doesn't really matter. I'll show you guys something :D

(Loves the hands)

(So, yeah, it looks pretty weird, but I think the snakeskin stuff worked out pretty awesome.)

So that's my weekend. And today was just plain old boring school. :/

Ugh, and it's freezing in here :/

Anyways, I'm starting to blurt out random things, I'll get back to homework and drawing ;)

Day 164 - Part 1 - Hating wAg.

So gsm's shutting down, and that sucks big time. But first, last Sunday.
IT WAS AMAZING. I went over to Lin, and so did Jims, and asfklkae it was so awesome :3
I mean, Jims and I were there and Lin opened the door and we were like "OK akward", but, yk, put 3 girls in a room and they'll talk to eachother. So we did. A LOT.
Actually, first it just was me talking. And Lin saying "so..." every time there was a pause of over a second. But eventually we all sortof loosened up and started talking for real.
Now here's the odd thing: Usually, in unknown situations, I get real childish and annoying and talkative and stop being me, even when I took my meds. But with Lin and Jims, I just was me. I was all of me, 100%, the weird and crazy girl who loves to talk. And can listen. The girl who knows when to stop. I was myself, and that doesn't really happen a lot.

And now wAg is shutting down Cosmo gSm. Which means they're taking away about 20 friends and a whole community of awesome people, and that brings me down like crazy. wAg just rains on my parade. And now Dennis built this amazing forumwebsitething, and of course gsm's ignoring it :/
UGH, can't we all just buy the Cosmo gsm or something? :(

AND, Lin and Jims and I are already picking a second meetingdate :D
At my place or Jim's. We still don't know. Anyways, that part of my life is still going the right way.

Day 162 - Part 1 - Lin forced me.

Yep. She said I'd have to make a post like right now at this very moment, but I'm supposed to be in bed or getting ready, so I don't really have time. I'll tell you how meeting her and Jims yesterday was tomorrow, instead.
And I love Dennis.
And we're all gonna have one big sleepover-movie-pyjamaparty one day.
Oh yes we will :3

Day 156 - Part 1 - FUCK.

School's tiring, I'm not feeling good at all, everyone's worried about me and I'm worried about Lin and I'm not sleeping enough and my brother's being sued for not going to school.
So, all in all, my days suck.
Ugh, I try real hard not to curse, but it isn't getting any easier. Now that I actually do my homework, my mom's much easier in letting me off the hook and going to Lin and Dennis with me. I love her <3
Yes I do :D

And I found Bethany Joy Lenz again. I love this singer <3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ixGNoS-HCtU