Day 337 - Part 1 - Like whoa.

It's been ages since I've written last. I could say that's because I'm busy or because I don't want to or because my days are a boring routine of the same things anyways (which they are), but the truth is that I don't really need it anymore. Blogging is still a way to express me, and I think I will keep doing it, especially because I'm so close to a year, but I've learned to handle myself. I've come so far since I started blogging. I want to go all gooey "look at me being shrink and getting somewhere", but I'll save that for the actual year mark. Plus I'm not in a gooey mood. I'm actually crying. The thing is, I'm mouch more daring. I open up, I let people in, I trust. But I still don't dare to fall in love unless I'm sure the love will be returned. And I hate that. I'm still scared, so scared, of getting hurt, that even though my mind tells me I like someone, I tell myself it's a lie, that I don't, that I just pretend to. And I just know that I will not let myself fall unless I'm sure there will be someone to catch me. I've got serious problems, and I jus can't handle it anymore. I can't handle being afraid of liking someone, and I can't handle the way I automatically tell myself I don't like him, and not be able to stop it. I'm afraid that one day, I can't handle myself anymore, that my mind will take over my actions and not let me decide, if you get what I mean. I'm afraid that after all I've been through, after losing everything around me but staying myself, I will lose myself while everyone around me stays the same. And that is what gets to me most;